The Mumsnet ideal

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You have to: Have big house in the country
Work, both of you, all the hours you can to afford this.
Drive everywhere
Get a cleaner

If you have e.g. a flat, in the town, that is not a 'proper home'
If you don't work all the hours you can, you are lazy
Ditto for driving.

Your relationship is only worthwhile if you're a) married and b) been together over 20 years.
The beginning of a serious relationship is "some bloke you are seeing" and absolutely not to be referred to as a partner

If your husband calls the kids little shits then he's clearly a risk, shouldn't be left alone with them and you need to contact the health visitor and SS to share your concerns.

You know what if there were other collateral with multiple and complex needs yes SS and HV should be involved

Actually I am of the opinion If a parent routinely aggressively swear or verbally abuse a child yes it’s a concern

Every room of your house smells of a different Zoflora scent & you store your bedsheets in the matching pillows...

You must always wear comfy bras and huge granny pants and never thongs, gstrings or tiny lacy briefs as they are designed by MEN for MEN and you must never, ever say the word PANTIES on pain of death.

Ahh,the ham cooked in cola,has that had a shout out? Sounds wet boak but according to mn legend it delish

You must never , ever disagree with the hive mind on Feminism chat and always have the ability to google clever words to post so you can all pat yourselves on the back congratulating each other how smart you are even when posting total bullshit.

You must always wear comfy bras and huge granny pants

I wear these so I may be ok sticking around here for now!

When you have a baby, your own mother is allowed immediate access to precious grandchild in hospital and as soon as you arrive home. MIL must content herself with a 5 minute visit several months after baby is born, on the strict understanding that she doesn't touch, kiss or breathe on the baby. Oh or wear perfume.

If you inherit more than £1.50 from a relative then you are the scum of the earth and 'entitled' to boot.

You should be rustling up a cooked breakfast every day, even if it's before work/school - eggs in some form, boiled, scrambled, poached (it really only takes 'seconds') or pancakes. You mustnt feed your kids cereal I any form as it's literally 'shit in a box'.

You eat 'loads of veggies' with every meal. But not carrots because they are 'a bit carby'.

Even if your husband works full time with an hour driving commute each way, he should be getting up in the night for the night feeds so that you can 'get some rest'. If he doesn't do this, then he isn't pulling his weight.

@LipstickHandbagCoffee only what I've seen on previous threads

You mustnt go out and leave your kids with their grandparents for at least the first 12 or 13 years.

Factor 50 is required even in the depths of winter and behind the thickest of cloud or you are playing russian roulette with your health.

If you want to stop dyeing over your grey hair, you have to get it cut into a 'sharp bob'.

You must look 'expensive' at all times. This involves cigarette pants, a 'crisp white shirt', and highlights.

Must cook all meals "from scratch." (has no one said that??)

In fact, really shouldn't have any 'processed' food.

Technically that means no bread you didn't make yourself, no butter you didn't churn yourself, no lentils you didn't weave...

Yes teyem!

If you allow your child to be exposed to any sunlight whatsoever then you are condemning them to a life of skin cancer and leathery skin. Full length UV suits and factor 50 on any exposed bits are essential from March onwards.

If you don’t have that much sex with your DH because neither of you are that fussed and you are both happy that way:

1. he is having an affair and looking at porn.
2. you are doing it wrong.

Oh God yeah... apparently the way to look expensive is to spend a fucking fortune on clothing and preening - who could have guessed?

and you must never, ever say the word PANTIES on pain of death.

Tbf, I'm totally with MN on that one!

You mustnt go out and leave your kids with their grandparents for at least the first 12 or 13 years

Conversely you mustn’t be a martyr and must make sure that you have at least one child free holiday a year along with at least one child free night out a month.

It’s a tight rope I tell you.

You never talk to anyone at the school gate, you just drop your kids off and pick them up with no engagement with another human at all.

You must have synesthesia and trypophobia.

If anyone knocks at the door uninvited you must immediately drop to the floor and commando roll away from the windows and pretend not to be in.

Your 2 year old little girl must refer to her genitals as her 'vulva'. Vagina is unacceptable as its not technically correct and as for noonie or mini moo.......

You can get an au pair......

This is the funniest thread!