SAHP and being “off sick”

[HicDraconis]

I work full time, demanding job, sole breadwinner, good contract etc. Recently I needed to take some time off sick - no problem, DH looked after me along with the rest of the household.

Now DH needs some time off sick - but how can he? I can’t take a week off to run the house instead as my contract is good but not that good. I’ve managed a few days initially as a temporary thing but he needs longer. Meanwhile, he’s still trying to keep going (laundry, shopping, cooking, childcare) but he clearly needs some downtime.

How do other SAHP cope in this situation? We have no family here (they are all 12000 miles away), all our friends work full time. I’ve suggested increasing the times the cleaner visits, getting a dogwalker in and using taxis for the school run (it’s an hour’s walk, unsafe road to cycle with an impossible hill coming back). Any other suggestions?

Yes, I tend to agree with the posters who thought that your children were much younger. I think addressing a chronic illness is a different issue, but I don't see that an acute bout of ill health should cause such angst? Taxi, Uber or another parent for drop off; easy meals for the kids. How much input should high schoolers need for homework?

Do you not do anything then?

Also - and I don't mean to be unkind, but I think it may be relevant - you have a 12-year-old but your DH hasn't worked for almost 15 years? Why is this? Candidly, if my husband was not working (full disclosure: I don't consider a non-working parent of high schoolers to be a SAHP - my issue, not yours) for 15 years while I was going through medical school, residency, fellowship and working, I'd be telling him to crack on if he felt a bit unwell. Again, this is chronic issues aside, but it sounds as though your husband is not terribly robust. Honestly, I can't imagine paying for a cleaner while my partner is home alone most of the day. Perhaps the issue is not that you need to find ways of outsourcing support but rather that your DH needs to step up a bit. Sorry if that offends, but I'm just being honest.

Ah I read your op and assumed you had primary aged kids. Arrange a school run taxi for kids. DH doesn’t need to be there for that. My 9 year old walks himself to school so your two are old enough to get to school and back. You could also look into a taxi to get to karate and home. You basically need a driver. Order in ready meals. Over here we have a shop called Cook, that do pre prepared healthy family meals that can be microwaved. Ensure kids have cooked meal at school to make evening meal easier. Cut back on as many commitments as possible. If kids are doing karate after school every night then cut that down. Get in a cleaner, dog walker, someone to pick up ironing. Make sure you have a tumble dryer, dishwasher, microwave and robot vacuum cleaner. Get a chest freezer. On your weekend days off you can batch cook for the week and freeze portions. Chicken curry, chilli, beef stew etc. Google how to do this and make a list/plan. I’d personally use somewhere like Cook for a couple of weeks though and see if that eases the load.

to you and your DH, Hic

You sound like a lovely family and a great couple. I hope they find out what it is that is causing your DH to suffer and that something can be done about it.

I think you need to find other school parents to get a rota of lifts going, or ask if your DSs could be dropped off at friends' homes in the morning, or find (and pay) someone closer to school (a childminder or child 'taxi' role) who would accommodate them until they could set off for school walking or who could bring them there. It's no help to you of course, but one of my DDs had a little job one summer driving children to morning sports camps and back in their parents' cars. She did three families in a circuit. Ask around in the school if there is a FB or other SM space for the school.

Cleaner, batch cooking, grocery delivery - all will help a lot. YYY to chest freezer, lots of tupperware too. Or Pyrex with lids that can go from freezer to the oven. An Instant Pot is an easy and quick way to prepare meals www.u-buy.co.nz/catalog/product/view/id/7395/s/instant-pot-ipduo60-7in1-programmable-pressure-cooker-with-stainless/

I think pitching in a bit around the house as a team effort would actually be a life enhancing thing for the boys. Boys of that age like to be on a team and can feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment if they are taught to do something well, given encouragement, and can accomplish it. Your boys are at the age when you could really start to mould them as young adults. This might be the ideal opportunity.

how is the DH a Sahp when the kids are 11/12 and are in school all day?? Isn't that technically unemployed?

The OP's DH helps run her private practice.

The OP's DH helps run her private practice.

Ah, that explains so much.

If the OP has a private practice then changing jobs or moving isn't really an option.

I'm a lone parent. I hang up the washing before I leave for work in the morning and then take it in in the evening, fold it, and put it away.

I bulk cook at the weekend and make easy meals in the evening.

I don't do a lot of housework during the week, but catch up on weekends.

I do an online shop which gets delivered on Sunday evening, then a top up shop on Friday after work.

I'm not sure what the training and studying is for. Is it essential?

how is the DH a Sahp when the kids are 11/12 and are in school all day?? Isn't that technically unemployed?

To be unemployed you have to be actively seeking work, a sahp isn't doing this.
Their work is raising children, looking after the home, and anything else they have to do during the day.
I still washed my kids clothes and prepared their meals and took them where they needed to be, whether they'd been to school or not

RomanyQueen me too! My 2 sons are grown now but still come round and we joke if we are wondering where the youngest is just put something on the stove, when it’s ready he appears! It’s magic!

Why on earth does laundry and cooking need doing when he’s ill? Let go of your standards whilst he recovers for goodness sake.

Presumably the family still need clean clothes to wear and good to eat. When I'm ill I still want the kids in clean underwear!

Why on earth does laundry and cooking need doing when he’s ill?

Because people need to wear clean clothes, and to eat? Laundry is ‘bare minimum’, surely? And most people can’t afford take aways every night, so some degree of cooking needs to be done.

Wow! i'm a sahp and wahp- there are no sick days! Unless you have local family help you just have to get on with it.

I assumed you either have toddlers, pre school children. why do they need so much looking after when they are so much older?

How far is school? Is there no public transport?

Last winter I had the flu and couldn’t get out of bed and couldn’t eat. On one day I called an emergency babysitter and then other days my DH had to take the time off.
Other times I’ve been ill but not quite as bad as that I’ve just had to push through.

Zombie!