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Original poster

SAHP and being “off sick”

168 replies

HicDraconis · 03/04/2019 02:40

I work full time, demanding job, sole breadwinner, good contract etc. Recently I needed to take some time off sick - no problem, DH looked after me along with the rest of the household.

Now DH needs some time off sick - but how can he? I can’t take a week off to run the house instead as my contract is good but not that good. I’ve managed a few days initially as a temporary thing but he needs longer. Meanwhile, he’s still trying to keep going (laundry, shopping, cooking, childcare) but he clearly needs some downtime.

How do other SAHP cope in this situation? We have no family here (they are all 12000 miles away), all our friends work full time. I’ve suggested increasing the times the cleaner visits, getting a dogwalker in and using taxis for the school run (it’s an hour’s walk, unsafe road to cycle with an impossible hill coming back). Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
juneau · 03/04/2019 12:54

If your DC are 11 & 12 they should be able to get a cab together, without either of you needing to be there, particularly if they have mobile phones so you can stay in touch at all times. If you can pre-pay the cab or pay with CC, all the better.

With DC that age actually your problems aren't as bad. They can be shown how to put a load of washing on, load/unload dishwasher, and all those little jobs that may be hard to do for your DH with his physical incapacity. He can still direct and guide from the safety of a chair or a sofa nearby!

As for the karate, do you know anyone else who goes from your local area who could help out temporarily?

Stinkytoe · 03/04/2019 12:57

I’d usually struggle on through but DH work does allow him 10 days of free ‘emergency nannying’ for this kind of situation, he has also taken days off in the past when I’ve had something like a tummy bug and been completely out of action.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 03/04/2019 13:14

Taxi to karate or call in some favours with other parents who go, ime it's unusual not to share lifts for after school clubs.

Taxi to school a couple of times a week/ every day if dh finds driving hard?

Online shopping and batch cook at the weekend to make the week easier. Easy meals like a ready cooked chicken and salad and warm bread, a cottage pie and then all you have to do is some vegetables. Make everything easier for yourselves.

The boys are 11 and 12 and they aren't going to miss out on any of their childhood if they need to help out a bit more at home. Tbh at that age I'd expect them to be doing what you've listed and more as standard.

Is a cleaner a possibility? Or having someone in once a month to do a blitz?

Talk to other parents at school, ime people are more than often willing to help.

Tbh when I was a sahm I was just grateful I didn't have to battle into work when I felt like shit and could just stay in my pajamas and rest in the sofa with CBeebies on.

colehawlins · 03/04/2019 16:29

When we’re both in hospital recovering from surgery together I have no idea what will happen. I’m hoping my friend will move in and look after all of us! That’s a few years away yet though.

So something chronic and something like you giving him a kidney?

I would look seriously at au pairs.

flyings0l0 · 03/04/2019 16:39

I really thought your DC were toddlers from your posts.

at 12, a child can get to school by themselves. plus, they will be all day at school. DH won't have to care for anyone - quiet the opposite. when then come home they can help DH. At 12 I did laundry, shopping and helped with cooking and cleaning.

RomanyQueen1 · 03/04/2019 16:43

Well sahp's with no family or cleaner just have to cope.
Gosh, I remember me and 3 dc all ill at once, queing for the loo and buckets. Dh had to go to work, no taking time off to look after family allowed, he had to work.
You learn how to cope, you just get on with it if you have no choice.

donajimena · 03/04/2019 16:57

I think the suggestions in your opening post will be the best way forward. I was ill recently. Luckily we live a 30 second walk from the school and my children are both teens. I even got brought a cup of tea in bed!
My lowest point was when they were 4 & 2 and I had norovirus. I rang my mum who is close enough to help and it turned out she had norovirus too. I was a church regular at the time. I'm a happy agnostic but my goodness did the attendance pay off! A fellow attendee came and fed the children.

saraclara · 03/04/2019 17:21

So the kids are at school? I thought we were talking toddlers that he needed to be responsible for all day.

Surely you can arrange a taxi to get the kids to and from school? Or a schoolfriend's parent might be able to help? Why on earth would you take time off your work when your husband can stay in bed throughout the school day if he wants?

I can't see the problem. Arrange transport, get some ready meals in that the kids can microwave, if they don't have the skills to feed themselves any other way. See if you can get a cleaner if you're worried about the state of the house.

Seriously, you can afford these things. There's no need for people's operations to be cancelled when for most of the day there's nothing he has to do.

BlackCatSleeping · 03/04/2019 17:33

I think your OP wasn't clear that this is potentially a long term illness. If on bad days he can't even walk, then it's a lot more serious than just a couple of days and he'll be back to normal.

I think you both need to be realistic about your situation and how sustainable it is long term and look into what kind of help there is available to you.

Can you look into something like an aupair or a home help, something like that?

iolaus · 03/04/2019 17:36

The most important thing is the kids - as you said yours are 11 and 12 it's the getting them too and from school. Is there a bus they could take? Otherwise taxis may be your option (or asking a friend/neighbour who is already doing the school run if they would take your kids if you give petrol money (and kids get to their house before leaving time)
At 11/12 they are old enough to have some indepence as opposed to the 5/6 year olds who need their hands holding to walk to school (I wouldn't want them walking an hour down dodgy roads but would be happy for them to do 10 minutes to a neighbour) - or if the bus gets there early to hang around the school before it starts

This doesn't sound like it's a short term thing so my initial thought of getting a takeaway on the way home isn't practical (though would sort one night a week)

Online shopping - he'd likely be able to do this - and let's face it we usually get the same stuff so once set up once it's easy to reorder the same things

Slow cookers are your friend, I tend to put stuff in before work - and if it's a pasta based thing someone will add the pasta about 30-40 minutes before eating (that may be me, DH or one of the teenagers)

I probably wouldn't bother with the dog walker with 11/12 year olds - as they could do that bit

Purpleartichoke · 03/04/2019 18:03

When I was the SAHP, DH had to take time off sometimes. The working parent just has to make it happen.

If he is just unwell, then standards slide and you cover the housework, baths, meals, etc when you get home since he has at least managed to keep the kids alive and safe during the day and needs to go rest.

1wearpurple · 03/04/2019 20:39

I'm not really sure why it's harder being ill as a SAHP than it is being ill as a working parent?

Friedspamfritters · 03/04/2019 20:43

I'm not really sure why it's harder being ill as a SAHP than it is being ill as a working parent?

It's obviously more difficult because you still have to look after the kids where as the working parent generally just stays in bed if they're ill enough to be off work.

In this case the kids are more self sufficient as they're older so much less bad than being stuck sick with a couple of toddlers.

RomanyQueen1 · 03/04/2019 20:45

It can be harder as a sahm if you have to do things for your children with nobody to help.
You have to get them to school, feed them, clean to a safe standard.
If you work and have childcare/ sahp you can come home and go straight to bed.
That's not hard to understand.

Thesearmsofmine · 03/04/2019 20:46

I'm not really sure why it's harder being ill as a SAHP than it is being ill as a working parent?

If I'm ill(SAHM) i still have to do everything I normally do but while ill. If my DH is ill he would have the day off work and rest in bed(while I do everything I usually do).

1wearpurple · 03/04/2019 20:48

What if both parents work? One days and one nights? You've still got to do all the childcare that you normally do, surely? I've never had any 'help' from dp when I've been ill. Once dc started school, on the one occasion I caught a tummy bug from them, then yes, at least I was able to take them to school and then go home to bed, but I had to go back out again later to collect them.....

SoyDora · 03/04/2019 20:50

I'm not really sure why it's harder being ill as a SAHP than it is being ill as a working parent?

How is it hard to understand? If DH is ill, he takes time off work and rests while I carry on looking after the DC and the house.
If I’m ill, DH still goes to work and I carry on looking after the DC and the house. No real rest.

1wearpurple · 03/04/2019 20:56

This thread is basically correlating a SAHP with a housekeeper. As though, in a couple with one working parent and one SAHP, the working parent just swans around being looked after by the SAHP, while the poor SAHP lives a kind of cinderella life of drudgery in the scullery.

Honestly, how do you think couples where both work do actually manage? When I am ill, I either still go to work as well as do everything I normally do, or maybe I somehow manage not to have to go to work, but I still do everything else I normally do.

1wearpurple · 03/04/2019 20:57

I think much of this has nothing do with being a SAHP or not, but actually has everything to do with 'women's work'.

Yabbers · 03/04/2019 21:13

Hire a nanny.

RomanyQueen1 · 03/04/2019 21:27

What does it have to do with women's work, it would be the same for a sahd, the working wife would come home ill, go to bed and sahd would carry on as normal. sahd ill, has to cope the same as a sahm does.

duckduckgoose2 · 03/04/2019 21:42

I’m also wondering why the dc can’t do a simple dinner one day a week each and take a cab on their own to help.

Yes it’s not a Mary poppins ideal but life often fails to meet this standard and its good resilience for them.

StoppinBy · 04/04/2019 00:56

@Iwearpurple, when my husband is sick and he goes to work he gets easy tasks, his boss tells him to take it easy.

As a SAHM my children do not afford me the same favour, in fact they often coincide their illness with mine so that not only am I trying to just get through a normal day but dealing with a child who is also sick/grumpy and needing extra attention.

The above paragraphs are why my husband would rather be at work when he is unwell instead of at home.

StoppinBy · 04/04/2019 00:59

@OP I also assumed you had very young children. My 6 year old can put a load of washing on and hang out the washing, she helps to cook tea and tidy the house, it doesn't harm her. Your children are much older, asking them to cook once or twice a week and help with general house work is actually good for them, it teaches them how to live, it will not ruin their childhood Wink

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/04/2019 01:45

How far away is work?

Because my first thought was "move closer to school", because then you will have a shorter school run (if any, the kids could walk on their own if you were closer), more chance of having friends/neighbours who you can get to know via school who might help out etc

I realise that this isnt doable in the short term but an hours walk, so presumably two hours there and back, isnt sutainable surely?!