SAHP and being “off sick”

[HicDraconis]

I work full time, demanding job, sole breadwinner, good contract etc. Recently I needed to take some time off sick - no problem, DH looked after me along with the rest of the household.

Now DH needs some time off sick - but how can he? I can’t take a week off to run the house instead as my contract is good but not that good. I’ve managed a few days initially as a temporary thing but he needs longer. Meanwhile, he’s still trying to keep going (laundry, shopping, cooking, childcare) but he clearly needs some downtime.

How do other SAHP cope in this situation? We have no family here (they are all 12000 miles away), all our friends work full time. I’ve suggested increasing the times the cleaner visits, getting a dogwalker in and using taxis for the school run (it’s an hour’s walk, unsafe road to cycle with an impossible hill coming back). Any other suggestions?

When I got the flu, we just camped out upstairs in the big bed and watched a lot of Tv and ate a lot of pizza.

When my friend got the flu, her husband hired a nanny service to come in.

Obviously, friend is a lot wealthier than me.

This is exactly what emergency leave is for! SAHP is too ill to look after kids, working parent requests (usually unpaid, disappointingly) emergency leave!

We were in this situation recently because needed surgery and am a sahm ( because of disabled child). Dh had to take time off work and minimal stuff was done in the house and meals were ready meals etc. Usually I just keep going and dh just has time off if him not being off would mean ds wasn't safe.

I'm shocked at the number of people who have been made to get on with it when clearly very ill. No way would my husband wave us all goodbye and leave me to cope if I had the fucking flu or norovirus. He would take a day's (probably unpaid) leave, without question.

I think he has to do what any other working person would do. If acutely ill (vomiting bug, can’t leave bathroom for 3 days), you take off to cover childcare. Longer less acute illness, he has to soldier on like everyone else. He can put the tv on and kids can eat junk for a week or two and you do more of the household tasks in the evenings. If we’re talking something long term, like cancer, then look into taking leave from work or putting dc into childcare for several months.

What is actually wrong with him?

Dh needs a lot of time off work generally for ds's appointments so we try to avoid it at other other times although sometimes we can get round it by flexible working such as unofficial split shifts.

@Fridasrage
How would you manage if you both worked?
When both parents work then it's likely there will already be childcare arrangements in place so if a parent became ill you at least have the option of dropping the DC off at nursery/CM etc and then the ill parent can get some rest. If you as a SAHP are the childcare and become ill then unless you have family or a strong support network then chances are you are going to struggle to get someone outside the family to look after the children at such short notice. I often say being a SAHP is easier when your child is sick as you don't but harder when you're sick yourself.

I think it does depend how ill your DH is and whether it's safe or realistic to expect him to look after your DC. It's all very well saying SAHPs must soldier on but would you be happy for anyone else in that condition to look after your DC?

As others have said if there are really no options to get some help in then just let stuff slide. The world won't end if the house doesn't get cleaned and you all eat take aways and ready meals for a few days. And on evenings and weekends you can spend some time doing housework so that it doesn't get too bad.

I'm currently a SAHP with two 2 and under, and I don't get "time off sick". It's the worst part about being a SAHP for me, but in fairness it's very rare that I get that sick. I tend to get nasty colds or stomach bugs if anything, neither of which is very fun to deal with along with a toddler and a baby, but needs must.

If I am can't-lift-my-head-off-the-pillow-sick (it's only happened once in 2.5 years), then DH would take time off so I could rest. When I am working, my job is very deadline oriented, so it's DH who takes the brunt of any sick days the kids need to have so I can stay at the office.

I guess it depends on how sick your DH is and how old your kids are, since it sounds like you already have a bit of help in the house?

Depends I suppose on the illness. Cancer would obviously require some compassionate/family leave on your part. Recovery from open heart surgery ditto. Same goes for any condition requiring long term bedrest or leg in a cast for weeks, etc. Your best bet if you couldn't take the time off and if you could afford it, and lowering your standards would drive you nuts would be to hire a childcare person/light housekeeper in a scenario like that.

I was a SAHP and just had to suck it up.
ILs were 9 hours away by car. My mum was on another continent.

I had gallstones, miscarriages, operation for gallstones, babies.. Flu, D&V, strep throat, gestational diabetes and anemia, morning sickness from hell five times. ILs came after my gallbladder op and as soon as I got home from the hospital they disappeared into the kitchen with exH to chat, leaving me to deal with little DD1 who needed a diaper change. ExH took a day or two off off after each baby. I didn't resent that - a lot of people have jobs where stuff can't be rescheduled or put off.

I relied on lifts from other school families for the DCs and helped others out when their turn came to be out of action. I never had a cleaner, just did what I could, considered it a good day if nobody suffered a serious injury and everybody had a plate of spag bol for dinner. The TV was rarely off during certain periods.

I WFH for myself, dh has busy OTH job. I needed an op recently - minor but obv with recovery time. Dh worked shorter days for a couple of days to pick up dd from nursery (goes 6h/day) but I was back doing the nursery run on foot 2 days post-op - sooner than would have been ideal but there we are. I've been home with ill kids and a D&V bug a couple of times while he's been away. It's not nice but mercifully temporary.

Once when dd and I were both ill he took a week off to look after her - we get 10 days parental leave for ill children here per parent and year, paid for by state health insurance. Mostly I manage, though.

Just have to get through it. Unless he has explosive diarrhoea and vomiting, he will have to keep going and as soon as you get home, then go to bed.

How would you manage if you both worked? Maybe time to get a back up plan.

Isn’t that why she has started the thread??

(The need for parental leave has to be certified by a doctor so it's not an 'allowance' you can just take ikywim)

No way would my husband wave us all goodbye and leave me to cope if I had the fucking flu or norovirus. He would take a day's (probably unpaid) leave, without question.
Well good for you. I doubt the OP is saying she would prefer to go to work and not help, she obviously has more pressures than you.
What if your budget is so tight that unpaid leave will tip you into dangerous poverty? What if you work in one of the many shitty jobs where you cannot take time off save for severe illness? I once worked a job that expected me to miss a grandparents funeral, because i'd already had a day off to visit them in hospital..

I can’t actually believe what I’ve just reAd if I’m honest . What do you think single parents do? We just get on and manage and dont get that down time as there’s no other option. You will have to do the housework after work. If he is that sick that he can’t look after the children then you are going to have to take the time off . Aren’t parents allowed two weeks off for dependents or something like this? I remember having flu and being heavily pregnant but I still got up and took the toddler to nursery, then collapsed in bed until he had to be picked up. When my husband returned from work id go to bed and he would do everything around the house.

I'm a SAHM, DH works. He's taken the odd afternoon off when I've had migraines, but I don't get those often - they just floor me when I do. However I've had flu (proper flu!), and recently we all had noro at the same time, and we have just had to manage. We have no family assistance nearby so I camp on the sofa with a blanket and any bowls or tissues I need, and put the TV on. Online food shopping (I normally shop at Aldi) and stuff the cleaning and laundry. We also have a good stockpile of food, UHT milk etc, so if we get snowed in or sick we can manage without going to the shops for a while. If I can muddle through to the weekend, DH takes over and that's when I can take to my bed.

It's horrible and I have definitely snivelled down the phone to my mum a few times when I've been sick and feeling sorry for myself, but that's the way it goes.

And they may very well not manage if they both worked, in general. Which is why he's a sahp.
It's like saying to me "how would you manage if you or DH was in the army, moving around frequently". I wouldn't. Others do.

Don’t most people just get on with it since there’s no choice? I’ve only been really ill twice when I could hardly get out of bed. The kids had sandwiches and watched a load of TV. DH managed to come home from work an hour earlier but that was it! You just get on with it as best you can.

@whatwouldyoubelikeat28
Why do we have to assume that OP is in a particularly difficult situation. Sure she might be but equally she might not be. Lots of people assume that SAHPs should just have to cope with illness and frankly don't extend basic human rights to people that choose to stay at home. If you are a working parent and can get parental leave to assist in such a situation then of course you should assuming it wouldn't seriously jeopardise your employment and financial situation.

This is something no one mentions before you become a SAHP! When I was a SAHM with young children I just had to get on with it, sorry OP.

I’m the SAHP, like others just have to get on. The only time DH takes time off is if I’m in hospital or physically can’t look after the toddler which thankfully isn’t very often at all. He can sometimes work from home but with a toddler he can’t get much done unless he’s asleep.

In his shoes if you can afford it I’d be doing as you suggested, employing more help temporarily.

What if your budget is so tight that unpaid leave will tip you into dangerous poverty?

Well then I wouldn't be a sahm. Or my husband would lie and claim sick himself if it meant getting paid for the day.

And yes, I know it's different for lone parents. If we were comparing to different situations, we could also compare to a household with 2 working parents when a child is sick and one would have to take a day off work. But this is a different situation, and if OP wants their husband to recover, or their children to be properly looked after then a back up plan needs to be established.

So often I see on mn how somebody (usually the husband) 'can't' take a day off work, as an absolute. Mostly, they can. They just don't see it as important enough.

So unlike the threads where mum is the SAHP and ill. Then there is post after outraged post saying DH/DP should take the time off work to care for his family. How mum shouldn’t be expected to struggle on alone etc. etc.