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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHP and being “off sick”

168 replies

HicDraconis · 03/04/2019 02:40

I work full time, demanding job, sole breadwinner, good contract etc. Recently I needed to take some time off sick - no problem, DH looked after me along with the rest of the household.

Now DH needs some time off sick - but how can he? I can’t take a week off to run the house instead as my contract is good but not that good. I’ve managed a few days initially as a temporary thing but he needs longer. Meanwhile, he’s still trying to keep going (laundry, shopping, cooking, childcare) but he clearly needs some downtime.

How do other SAHP cope in this situation? We have no family here (they are all 12000 miles away), all our friends work full time. I’ve suggested increasing the times the cleaner visits, getting a dogwalker in and using taxis for the school run (it’s an hour’s walk, unsafe road to cycle with an impossible hill coming back). Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
NorthernKnickers · 03/04/2019 07:05

Without meaning to sound unkind OP...how do you imagine all of us single, full time working parents manage in these situations when we get sick? With no family to support us? We just crack on 🤷‍♀️

Bumpitybumper · 03/04/2019 07:08

@NorthernKnickers
Without meaning to sound unkind OP...how do you imagine all of us single, full time working parents manage in these situations when we get sick? With no family to support us? We just crack on 🤷‍♀️
If you work FT I assume that you send your DC to their prearranged childcare and at least get normal working hours to rest and recover?

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 03/04/2019 07:09

Ah, the days with a virus and 3 preschoolers while dh was workng abroad! Muddled through - my standards definitely dropped and meals were pretty simple.

Got shingles at a later point - absolutely wiped me out until the antibiotics kicked it. Relied on the kindness of others for the school run (4 miles). People are always willing to help if you ask.

autumnboys · 03/04/2019 07:09

When our kids were little and I was a sahm, generally I had to get on with it. Now that they (and we!) are older, and DH has a bit more seniority/standing at work, he is more likely to be able to work from home or take a day off if I really need him. Last month, I spent the night with D&V. 10 years ago, he would have had to go to work in the morning, but this time round, as I staggered back to bed he said he would stay at home and do the school run for our youngest.

Lower your standards for a few days, order a shop of microwave meals, be prepared to blitz stuff at the weekend & let him rest. Hope he’s better soon.

Spudlet · 03/04/2019 07:10

Most of the posts I've seen about SAHMs being ill have been very much weighted towards the 'crack on and stop moaning' side of the debate. MN doesn't tend to like SAHMs, and kicks accordingly.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2019 07:10

Nobody is saying it's ideal, Alexa.

Just that this is the reality and why should a man expect anything different from the reality that women have faced for generations.

And actually, there have been quite a few posters here appalled that time off isn't an option.

NorthernKnickers · 03/04/2019 07:10

Just to add...it never occurred to me to get a cleaner/dog walker/nanny or any other paid help either, because quite frankly, my salary barely paid my mortgage and bills when I was well, but by the time I went onto sick pay, I was in a state of sheer panic! Still...I got through and six months later, was back at work. It took 2 years to pay of the debt accrued due to being so sick that I couldn't work. That's what being sick in this country is like as a single parent with no support and no options is really like.

aprarl · 03/04/2019 07:14

Yeah? Well my day we walked fifteen miles in the snow if we were sick, twenty if we were dying, and four hundred if we were dead, and we were happy to get a kick in the face at the end of it. You lot don't know you're born!

Why do posters like to tell others off as they could have it worse? It's so fucking pointless.

NorthernKnickers · 03/04/2019 07:16

@Bumpitybumper I had ovarian cancer. 6 rounds of radiation therapy and a hysterectomy. So yeah...but more than just sending my kids to child care while I skipped off to work 🤷‍♀️

Clutterbugsmum · 03/04/2019 07:19

Other then arranging that the child/children can get to and from school everyday, every thing else can wait until he's better.

I've been a SAHP for 15 yrs and I can only think of one time that DH had to work from home to help.

flumpybear · 03/04/2019 07:21

Really depends on sickness IMO. A short transient sickness then you taken holiday days or put kids in nursery extra days, hire in help if it's possible.

Long term problems like recovery from surgery or chemo etc you'll need a long term plan, parental leave at work, ask family member to come to help out even if that's 12k miles away - it'll cost money but that's just life unfortunately

stucknoue · 03/04/2019 07:26

If you are a sahp you need to adjust expectations but soldier on. Dh would bring in food though occasionally (we lived far from delivery companies)

Bumpitybumper · 03/04/2019 07:26

@NorthernKnickers
I had ovarian cancer. 6 rounds of radiation therapy and a hysterectomy. So yeah...but more than just sending my kids to child care while I skipped off to work 🤷‍♀️
Genuinely sorry to hear that Flowers

My point was more that a family with childcare in place will have different options than one where no childcare is in place because they rely on a (now sick) parent to do it.

Bumpitybumper · 03/04/2019 07:28

Also depends on kids ages. School aged children are normally a lot easier to manage and you obviously have the opportunity to rest whilst they are at school. I am talking about a SAHP with children under school age.

Friedspamfritters · 03/04/2019 07:28

Like PP you call in any help available (none in my case) , don't bother with housework and let the working parent take over the second they walk in the door.

Spaghetticarbanana · 03/04/2019 07:29

I'm a SAHM, other than after surgeries I don't think DH has ever taken time off when I'm sick as to be honest I don't think I've ever been ill enough to justify it. For me to feel it was appropriate, not him. If I can physically look after the kids, then I would just suffer through the day and go to bed when he comes home from work. But, I have had severe morning sickness/hyperemesis with 3/4 of my pregnancies, have problems with my back and joint pain, migraines, ibs etc and had to crack on so my idea of being unable to function may be skewed by that. I'd have to be close to passing out before I felt DH staying home was necessary I think.

flyings0l0 · 03/04/2019 07:29

well, DH will have to still look after the children. That's how it is for most Sahp - you have the children wether you are ill or not.

I work p/t as one of the DC is severely disabled. When I am ill ( and this year it included flu with 40 fever and a mean vomitting bug with a high temperature), then I still have to do the school runs and all the caring outside the school hours.

I am not sure what the OP is asking. Am I missing something? Or is the DH in hospital?

Karigan195 · 03/04/2019 07:35

It’s the most painful part of being a parent and honestly I always just somehow made it through. Usually with the assistance of a ridiculous amount of dinosaur train and canned spaghetti. You just do.

BloodsportForAll · 03/04/2019 07:38

I'm the same as @Mummyoflittledragon

Until the end of last year, I dealt with that, plus single parenting.

Having to get up because there's no one else physically there, is harder than hell. But you do it.

GillianUsedToLiveHere · 03/04/2019 07:44

I am a SAHM and have been for 14 years. I have a chronic illness so there are times it is bad and I am bed ridden but only for a day at most. Otherwise flu or sickness is just dealt with.

It depends on the age of the children. Our laundry is pre-sorted (different baskets) so a young child is more than capable of putting laundry on and a tumble dryer. Lunches were pre-made by Dh before he went to work. If he could work from home he did, it wasn't ideal but at times necessary, otherwise he would take a day off.

We always had snacks in so they children had stuff to eat, no-one is going to die because they ate sandwiches for dinner. Shopping was delivered anyway. Dh did any housework when he came home but you do just have to let stuff slide.

The lowest point was when we all got norovirus but the children were over 10 so could deal with their own sick and bum wiping. Sick wise -line a bin with a bin liner, chuck, tie handles together, put in outside bin.

Hardest part was a school run, I was lucky to have friends who could take them. Dh would drop children early at friend's house before school and they would take them. I have always been there for other people collecting in emergencies and inset day childcare help. Everyone helped everyone.

If you can throw money at it then do, cleaner, dog walker etc.

KnifeAngel · 03/04/2019 07:48

You just have to get on with it. Let the cleaning slide, easy food and lots of television days. My DH will take annual leave if I am seriously ill but he can't every time I am not feeling 100%.

kaytee87 · 03/04/2019 07:50

Well how sick is he? Can you afford a temporary nanny to help out?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 03/04/2019 07:53

You just get on with it. He is already at home, not meeting with clients and not spreading the virus to other co workers. Only thing he can do is put the tv on, get the iPad out, clear anything that could be danger to the kids and fall asleep with the door closed in the same room where the kids are.

Believe me, he won’t die but it would be good if you take over as soon as you get in from cooking dinner, buy stuff from the supermarket and deal with the before bed routine, and tidy the house up before going to bed. Also deal with the kids in the morning so he can have a short lie in and, most importantly...

Do not become another person to take care of when you are ill, he has his hands full already so pull your socks up and help a bit in the house as much as you can. If you are a parent you loose the right to “stay in bed all day when you are ill” for a few days ( that is, unless you are prepared to drop everything and take his place when he is ill)

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 03/04/2019 07:56

It’s a tough one. I get the sense that you are looking for ways to manage the situation, rather than crack-o-with-it-advice.

What can DH do? Can he do some stuff, or does he need complete rest?

Is the rest that he needs physical or mental?

If he needs physical rest, could he pick up some of the mental load such as online shopping?
On the other hand, if he is mentally exhausted can he take the DC (and the dog) To a park for them to run off some energy while he has some headspace?

I agree with other PP about lowering standards, making things easier (online shopping, ready meals and bagged salad) and pulling together.

Is your DH having intervention/treatment to optimise his health?

Lucked · 03/04/2019 07:56

You can do the shopping, cooking and laundry around your job. Lunch can either be made by you before work or something basic like soup from a tin.

Then lots of TV for the kids. If you can call in favours for play dates or use pay for some childcare all the better.