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Original poster

SAHP and being “off sick”

168 replies

HicDraconis · 03/04/2019 02:40

I work full time, demanding job, sole breadwinner, good contract etc. Recently I needed to take some time off sick - no problem, DH looked after me along with the rest of the household.

Now DH needs some time off sick - but how can he? I can’t take a week off to run the house instead as my contract is good but not that good. I’ve managed a few days initially as a temporary thing but he needs longer. Meanwhile, he’s still trying to keep going (laundry, shopping, cooking, childcare) but he clearly needs some downtime.

How do other SAHP cope in this situation? We have no family here (they are all 12000 miles away), all our friends work full time. I’ve suggested increasing the times the cleaner visits, getting a dogwalker in and using taxis for the school run (it’s an hour’s walk, unsafe road to cycle with an impossible hill coming back). Any other suggestions?

OP posts:
BeautyWasTheBeast · 03/04/2019 07:58

What's wrong with him?
I had surgery...DH took a few days off, within a few days I was alone with a 4yr old and newborn and doing school runs.
I had morning sickness and couldn't keep anything down, we holed up in bed watching DVDs and eating sandwiches DH had made before he went to work.
I have a cold/flu.... I get dosed up and struggle through.

It all depends on what is wrong.

Taxis for school run and then he can rest all day. If there are younger DC then make them a packed lunch to grab during the day so he doesn't have to be cooking. Forget about the cleaning and washing (maybe concentrate on uniform and underwear). Lots of DVDs/kids programmes while he rests

kaytee87 · 03/04/2019 07:58

How old are the kids?

BlackeyedGruesome · 03/04/2019 08:00

you just have to get on with it as best as possible, take as many over the counter meds as possible to get you through and rest as much of the day as possible.

the least sick parent does the chores, works as short hours as possible at work, and takes time off if the sick sahp is too ill to look after children safely, (probably only then, ex had to come round and have the children in the middle of the night when I went into hospital with chest pains)

onanothertrain · 03/04/2019 08:01

So next time there's is a SAHM on here complaining she is ill and doesn't have any help as her husband was off sick last week and has to go to work it'll be full of replies saying lower your standards, crack on, because single parents etc will it?

MariaTheMartian · 03/04/2019 08:02

Yes, I remember the first time this happened to me as a sahp! You just have to get on with it, or if it’s serious enough, the working parent has to take AL or unpaid leave.

MariaTheMartian · 03/04/2019 08:03

Well yeah, onanothertrain, there is no sick cover for sahms either 🤷‍♀️. What do you propose?

Lucked · 03/04/2019 08:03

I think what is wrong with him is important here. What is wrong and how long does he need.Flu is very different from getting a cancer diagnosis and needing to undergo trips to the hospital and treatment.

If he has a serious illness you will have to consider full time childcare.

BlackeyedGruesome · 03/04/2019 08:04

I am pposting as a single parent who has taken maximum meds this morning and is staggering through...

JessieMcJessie · 03/04/2019 08:07

You seem a bit quick to dismiss the possibility of being able to take time off work. Can you explain a bit more why emergency/short notice leave would not be possible?

If he is able to look after the kids but still needs rest to recover then I suppose that you just take over 100% come the weekend and give him time to rest.

JessieMcJessie · 03/04/2019 08:08

Kind if annoyed here at a few people talking about “cracking on” with flu. If you have flu you will be unable to lift your head from the pillow and “cracking in” is not physically possible. What you have been doing is “cracking in” with a very bad cold.

JessieMcJessie · 03/04/2019 08:08

On not in.

onanothertrain · 03/04/2019 08:15

maria I don't propose anything.
My point is that the responses would be different if the genders were reversed as we have seen time and time again on here

Vulpine · 03/04/2019 08:20

Isn't that just one of the downsides of being a sahp? I was sick once with flu when a sahp. Dosed up on over the counter drugs and got on with it.

Imacliche · 03/04/2019 08:21

Im a full time carer for my youngest and a sahp. I have 3 kids. Had a hysterectomy 5 weeks ago. Had complications after that included a bruised bladder a uti and kidney infection and then developed a awful coldy/flu type thing.Partner went back to work 3 weeks after my op. I was still ill and sore but just got on with it. Dont really have much choice im afraid.

Canshopwillshop · 03/04/2019 08:24

I’ve been there OP and it’s a bit shit- also got no family to help. Luckily it hasn’t happened often but when I was really ill with a nasty urine infection, I had a couple of friends who helped out with the school run a few times. DH did the cooking at night etc but I still had to get up in the mornings and get the kids ready etc and then sort out after school until DH got home. Housework just had to slide. I felt very jealous of one of my friends who just de-camped to her mums, child and all, to be looked after when she had a bit of a cold - just not an option for me 🙁

thebeesknees123 · 03/04/2019 08:24

It's great that you want to be supportive. Quite rightly, if you are ill, you can take yourself off to recover. Not so easy as the primary carer.

If I were your DH, I would really appreciate you being around and stepping up to my role so I can recover, too, as you were able to.

Could you negotiate something with work? Holiday? Unpaid leave? Half days?

It's really tough getting on with it if it's something like norovirus. Been there and do not recommend it!

Spudlet · 03/04/2019 08:26

I had proper flu - I was very fortunate to have two days in bed (and god knows I needed them) because I got ill at the weekend but then DH couldn't take time off (he asked and was told no) so he pretty much carried me downstairs and left me under a blanket, and I literally crawled into the kitchen to make lunch, then he came home as early as he could and took over. It was really, truly, shit, but we had no family, no childcare, and no other option but to muddle through as best we could. What was I meant to do? Leave then just turned 2 DS to fend for himself?

Similarly when we all had noro I couldn't stand up without everything going grey, but DS needed me so I crawled to him, pushing my sick bucket. That was also shit, but small children have to be cared for and if there's no one else to do it you are going to have to try. I'm not saying it's great or desirable, but it is what it is, and sometimes you just have to do what you need to do as best you can.

EssentialHummus · 03/04/2019 08:29

But if he can manage to be conscious and physically functioning enough to make sure that nappies get changed and no-one plays in the traffic or starves to death then he'll just have to get on with it.

This. And to echo others, what is wrong? Long-term physical or mental health issues warrant a different response from norovirus.

Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 03/04/2019 08:55

My husband recently took a day off work, worked from home for two days after that and in his lunch break took the children out of the house for a walk. Cooked, cleaned and offered medication/tea/a new Disney film every few hours.

I think it’s a combination of the working parent doing all they are practically able to do and the SAHP dropping their standards and trying to keep the show vaguely on the road.

Not ashamed to admit than when I had the flu we had all day pj parties with Disney!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 03/04/2019 08:57

Sorry but you need to be more specific about his limitations to help people understand what’s needed. Unless he has had surgery that means he can’t move, most people will say lower your expectations and just ride it out. That’s what most SAHP have to do.

BarbarianMum · 03/04/2019 09:03

When I was a SAHP I mostly lowered my standards and got on with it and dh took over when he got home from work. But there were a couple of times when I couldn't lift my head off the pillow when dh had to take time off.

The idea that a SAHP should just have to keep going no matter what, is disgusting frankly. SAHP shouldn't equal lone parent.

juneau · 03/04/2019 09:05

All of the posts saying 'Let your standards slip' are missing the point for many people. I would get extremely anxious if the house was a tip and everyone would suffer. So yes OP, get your cleaner to come more often and perhaps do more when s/he's there. Get a dog walker. Use taxis. Get a gardener. Anything to get you both through this time of crisis.

Every SAHP has challenging times every now and again and you just have to muddle through as best you can. If you can afford to buy in extra help - do it!

BikeRunSki · 03/04/2019 09:06

CBeebies and toast

Oblomov19 · 03/04/2019 09:12

How old are you children? What was your back up plan before?
You cut right back to the basics, no cleaning, just survival.
Do you have one friend who could help you out at all?

SapatSea · 03/04/2019 09:19

It depends if he is totally incapacitated or has a MH issue rather than a bug.

Getting to an dfrom school is a big one. If you can afford it taxis are a good idea, or you could ask around and see if anyone would be willling to help you out (you could cme to a pecuniary arrangement).

Before giving the cleaner extra hours, think carefully about exactly what they should be doing, laundry? dishwasher?

What ages are the DC, could they help out. Vould they have school dinners so you make something light and easy in the evening e.g. indoor picnic, snadwiches, fruit etc.

Yes, yes to online ordered shopping and delivery. Easy meals, e.g. tortellini, pizza etc just add extra veg on the side.

I know it's not eco friendly but disposable plates, foil oven tryas etc might be a help if dishwashing is an issue.

Snugle up with some child friendly films, get in some books and activity sets (play doh, lego, whatever your DC like) that don't need parental help so they can amuse themselves.