SAHP and being “off sick”

[HicDraconis]

I work full time, demanding job, sole breadwinner, good contract etc. Recently I needed to take some time off sick - no problem, DH looked after me along with the rest of the household.

Now DH needs some time off sick - but how can he? I can’t take a week off to run the house instead as my contract is good but not that good. I’ve managed a few days initially as a temporary thing but he needs longer. Meanwhile, he’s still trying to keep going (laundry, shopping, cooking, childcare) but he clearly needs some downtime.

How do other SAHP cope in this situation? We have no family here (they are all 12000 miles away), all our friends work full time. I’ve suggested increasing the times the cleaner visits, getting a dogwalker in and using taxis for the school run (it’s an hour’s walk, unsafe road to cycle with an impossible hill coming back). Any other suggestions?

It depends what is wrong with him but most of the time you just have to eat on with it.

After having dc3 my DH only had a week off, unfortunately I was poorly for weeks thanks to traumatic c section and infections and it was really hard going as nobody offered to help. He worked 12 hour night shifts so I was basically on my own.

I feel for him OP. SAHP here currently ill and have been for a while but I just don't get time to recuperate so can't shake it off. Doing the smallest things around the house is just exhausting! Increasing your cleaners hours sounds great,I so wish I had a cleaner! Our place is going downhill as I just don't have my usual energy! You sound very thoughtful :)

this happens in our house - DH simply cant have time off. He works in a legal field and cases cannot be ignored until hes feeling better. Its literally (sometimes) innocent peoples futures at stake. I just have to get on with it. I have no family in this country and we dont really like leaving the DC with friends so I do what I can and DH does everything when hes home. He cooks / cleans / makes meals etc while hes home. During the day I sleep and I just have to do the school runs and then entertain the DC 3pm-6pm when he gets home. Its hard but we have no choice :(. Sorry OP, hope you all feel better soon.

I think a back up plan to make sure kids get to school is needed, a necessity.

I don't think it's right that kids miss school if a parent is unwell. there's got to be some sort of backup plan : a friend or somebody to pick the kids up and get them to school.

OP, hope he gets better soon.

Unless he had an operation, he should be able to manage even if you cannot take time off.

I had pneumonia a few years ago, nursery and school aged children. DH was unable to take time off and we couldn’t afford emergency childcare / cleaner so this is what we did.

1. DH doing all shopping, tidying
2. cleaning slipped completely
3. DH bought lots of ready meals
4. Nursery child stayed home (TV)
5. DH dropping older DCs off at school
6. I did the school pick up in a taxi (this was our big expense).

We muddled through. It was horrible, but we muddled through. The GP called daily (I was borderline being admitted) and at one point I remember him asking, “do you have someone there looking after you?” I was thinking “Eh, my 3-year old?”

you will manage!

How old are the kids?

Sorry - didn’t mean to post and run but am in NZ so odd timesones.

Boys are 11 & 12. I can’t do school run as I leave at 0730 and finish around 1830. Taking time off is tricky at the best of times as I’m a doctor (hospital) and if I’m sick I obviously can’t go in. However if he’s sick and I take short notice leave then operating lists get cancelled, which has wider ripple effects, so I try not to if possible. I was lucky (?!) in that I actually had a pretty nasty cold this week but could still function, so I could take a few days off sick myself but also support DH.

What’s wrong - good question, he’s undergoing various investigations, currently waiting for an MRI. He has varying levels of leg pain and weakness, some days he can’t walk. Most days he finds our stairs difficult. Complicated by another life-limiting illness (but hopefully has a few more decades yet).

He works from home school hours sorting tax / bills etc from my private work. Then it’s school pickup, taking boys to karate, home and cooking. I usually train after work and bring boys home with me.

Online shopping I can definitely do which will help. As will batch cooking / lunch prep in advance / strict meal planning.

Much as I would love to do more when I get in, I’m usually too tired (plus I’m studying so evenings taken up with that).

As far as the mental load goes - he already carries it! And if we were both working - we could afford for me to drop some hours and pick up some of the house stuff. He’s been out of work almost 15 years (joint decision) so it won’t be easy to get back in although I know he’d love to.

I'm a sahp. When I had a particularly awful stomach bug with two kids under 3 at home DH had to stay off work for a day, I spent most of the day in the bathroom so looking after kids not really feasible and would have been seriously unhygienic for me to make them food.

All the other things I've just had to struggle on, tonsilitis a few times, a few nasty viruses courtesy of the kids, a stomach bug where I spent all night in the bathroom but had stopped being sick by 6am so DH went to work. It is really really hard and it definitely takes me far longer to recover from things. I often feel tired for weeks after a virus because where previously I'd have stayed in bed for a day or two and let my body fight it, I am running the household as normal with a hot water bottle shoved up my jumper.

And I really feel for single parents! Yes when you just have to get up and carry on, you do - and DH does, has done before, and will continue to do so.

But he isn’t a single parent, he’s got me. And so if there are other ways of supporting him when he’s sick I want to consider them. I’m not arrogant enough to think I have all the answers, and I figure MN has a larger pool of SAHP who’ve been sick and might have some genius ideas on coping.

When we’re both in hospital recovering from surgery together I have no idea what will happen. I’m hoping my friend will move in and look after all of us! That’s a few years away yet though.

Your DC are 11 and 12 so should be more than able to take on chores and help out. They can tidy up and do some cleaning, help with meal prep and washing up etc, do simple meals. Can other parents help with the school run? Or can they walk/cycle/get a bus or taxi?

When my dad was 4 months old I had a severely herniated sic that ended up compressing my spinal nerve. H was unable
To get time off work so I had to suck it up
and get on with it. I had to crawl beyween rooms with the baby as I could t stand up. Ended up having surgery for it and had to go and stay with my in-laws after as he still couldn’t get time off. It was awful but it was what it was.

DD not dad!

It is horrible being SAHP and being sick. Me and the baby both had a terrible stomach virus before Xmas. Husband had to work. Yes seriously lowered standards and just had to get on with it.
I was vomiting a few mins before I had to head out to take baby to the Docs.

DC already help out in terms of kitchen clear up, laundry, pet feeding, cooking. However they have school, homework, karate (which is important to all of us) - and while I’d like them to know how to cook & clean, I also want them to enjoy being kids while they can.

Walk to school is 1h, road is unsafe to cycle. Not to mention that we live at the top of a hill which is hard enough to walk up let alone bike up.

With cleaner (or you cleaning in the evenings), dog walker, taxis, ready prepared food to ping in the microwave (or deliveroo) - TV time for the children after school and maybe you adjusting your hours for a few days to do the mornings - shoudl be enough for all but the most ill.

You just have to get on with it. I've been really ill and still having to breastfeed and look after a baby and toddler. Laying on the floor while they play as you are so weak and nauseous is the only thing you can do.

Hyperemesis with a toddler was extremely hard. Standards slip. TV and tablet helped a lot. Ime men seem to want special treatment whereas women get on with things.

Could you arrange temporary child care? Like a childminder who does early mornings and after school. I’m sure it’s already been suggested somewhere. Sorry if I’m repeating.

How old are the kids? how long is the illness go for? How affected is he going to be? Can he drive?

I guess the right answe depends on those factors (nobody will die without karate lessons, I can assure you, whether they miss a day because dad is ill, or a year because dad is severely ill)

They are 11 & 12, so if SN isn't a factor, could you afford taxi travel for them?

What part of NZ are you in, Hic? Is there a school bus?

What is it that's not getting done/is too hard right now?

What is the world coming to when a person is a surgeon but still has no spare money for a bit of emergency paid childcare/help at home in the event of illness? I thought you were going to say you worked in a minimum wage job!

Based on your update, he needs to focus on getting children to school and that’s really it. He can come home and rest the rest of the day. You’ll have to pick up your admin work on the weekends. Ask friends or hire someone to do driving around to activities after school. Dc are old enough to cook a ready meal without much hassle and to pack their own lunches. They should be able to manage their school work fairly independently. Then you take on more on the weekends to keep things ticking over.

At that age, my mum worked 12 hour days and was a single parent. I took myself to school and got myself home (only about a mile walk though). I took myself to after school activities. Made my own food, did my own washing, started on homework before she got in.

@Siennabear
Ime men seem to want special treatment whereas women get on with things
Maybe or maybe men haven't been conditioned like women have to just "get on with things" when this places them in extreme discomfort or puts their and their children's health and safety at risk.

I am really shocked how often mothers in particular are not afforded basic human rights and their needs are often completely ignored. Mothers can be completely debilitated by illness or surgery (C-section etc) and the expectation seems to be that they should just carry on without imposing on the other parent's work situation. We would be horrified to think of children or elderly people not getting the rest and recupperation they need when they're ill. Lots of employers have a policy that makes allowances for some sickness but mothers or those adopting traditional women's roles (carers, SAHPs) are just expected to cope. I think those harping on about what they did aren't helping either. The fact you're a single parent or your DP wasn't able to help doesn't mean this should be the accepted or normal scenario for those with partners who have options available to them. Talk about race to the bottom.

OP, I am so sorry, it sounds like this is a more long term issue.

Have you considered giving your children weekly chores like, dinner on Tuesday (DC1) and dinner Wednesday (DC2). We did this when I was little and I actually enjoyed it, as did my brother since we could choose dinner - and dessert. Maybe similar for laundry and cleaning? I appreciate that they are little, but a set chore to be ticked off in exchange for pocket money (as opposed to continuous work) is actually not too bad.

For the karate, could you swap one weekly session (I don’t know how often they have training) for them both for a private session for both at your home? The cost if you need taxi may not be that much higher and if you explain the situation, the teacher may be happy to come to you?

Otherwise, as you have identified, cleaner, taxi and dog walker all the way if you have the funds.

Well said Bumpity