To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

[Gradiva]

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed . Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

My Dh forgot my birthday this year. He was really sorry though grovelled for weeks after! I was hurt but I know his head was elsewhere with work at the time. I won't remind him though- he is not a child! He loves birthdays more than me he'd hate if we all forget his so which is why all the grovelling!

It’s not just about the birthday though that just encapsulates other disappointments. I am new to MN but I have noticed a lot of women seem to blame themselves for having PND or depression etc while their Dh or Dp is blatantly obviously not pulling their weight.
However a book I can recommend is ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman. In a nutshell we show love in the following 5 ways:- Words of Afirmation, Spending Quality Time Together, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch(not sex). We usually have a preference for 1or 2 of them but not necessarily the same as our partners. Of course if you are receiving none of the love languages maybe a red flag time!!

It’s not just about the birthday though that just encapsulates other disappointments. I am new to MN but I have noticed a lot of women seem to blame themselves for having PND or depression etc while their Dh or Dp is blatantly obviously not pulling their weight.

You are only getting one side of the story though.

You are only getting one side of the story though

Yes but in this case unless you have a medical condition which affects your memory there is no excuse for forgetting your partners birthday.

Yes but in this case unless you have a medical condition which affects your memory there is no excuse for forgetting your partners birthday.

Will having no excuse make it less likely to happen?

A reminder will.

Will having no excuse make it less likely to happen?

A reminder will

You shouldn't have to remind an adult. That's what you do to children.
He is being a shit husband whether he has to be reminded or not.

I’m not fussed about grand gestures for Birthday and Xmas but I do like them to be used to acknowledge me and what I bring to the relationship and the family.

I said earlier that you shouldn’t remind him but let him know you are hurt if he forgets. It does need to be done in a plain speaking, adult way.

OP, your DH is a grown man, with a wife and family. Like us all, there will always be things in life that individuals may find a bit harder to accomplish but that’s not a reason for a grown adult to decide not to try. Especially if it’s something that means a lot to another person - ie you.

My DH isn’t great about birthdays. His DF died when he was young and his DM didn’t mark birthdays or Xmas very much. So in the first few years together he did forget or buy really thoughtless gifts. And when he’s grumbled about the commercialism of Xmas I’ve had to explore to him how much even a small gift can mean to people including children. He had no concept. He has improved because I treated him as an adult and made it clear that as an adult he was responsible for remembering important dates and other stuffs, not just me.

I wouldn't remind him. I'd go to the cinema with the kids and leave him a note saying I've gone out as it's my birthday and he can sit on that.
I hate selfish forgetful men it's so unecessary.
Does he forget important dates and meetings at work? I think not.

You shouldn't have to remind an adult. That's what you do to children.
He is being a shit husband whether he has to be reminded or not.

What you shouldn't or shouldn't have to do is irrelevant, as are his talents as a husband. If the OP wants to be sure that her husband remembers her birthday, based on his history, she needs to remind him.

Playing stupid mind games and expecting this that and the other is not going to help.

I've not read the whole thread, only the OP's posts but my advice would be:

Don't play games. Can you sit down with your dh soon, when the kids are in bed and have a chat. You can say that you realised you think he has forgotten your birthday on Friday. And that this made you realise that you think he would forget if you didn't always remind him. Tell him that you find it very hurtful that every Christmas and every birthday he gets you something shit. Tell him that it really matters to you that he takes a bit of time to think about you and to care enough to do something that makes you happy.

In summary. Talk about it. He can hardly then say well actually I want to keep being shit, can he?

as are his talents as a husband

Remembering a birthday requires talent?? Does it fuck.
He is choosing not to prioritise his wife. That's not talent that's being a shit husband.

I am amazed at how low some peoples expectations are.

The more parenting/coupledom I do the more averse I become to any course of action that is basically punishing myself so others can see how miserable I get. It doesn't train them, it doesn't make things better the next year; all it does is make me unhappy and make them even more reluctant to think about the matter. These days I am there with a brisk: "how about going to such and such for my birthday?" Keeps me happy and the end result is still the same.

Bet he doesn't forget important shit at work though, does he? He sounds crap. Don't remind him and vacate the house for the whole day. Selfish bastard.

Remembering a birthday requires talent?? Does it fuck.

Which is why I said it was irrelevant!

Which is why I said it was irrelevant!

It's relevant if he forgets every year!

YANBU to not tell him. He should put reminders in his phone.
YABa bitU to not have pulled him up on the crap gift buying before. An "Aren't you lucky Waitrose didn't run out of flowers on your way home" would have been sufficiently pointed.

Also, a ticket for 1 for the balloon ride? Seriously? Half the fun of these type of things is going with someone. Going on your own is seriously rubbish. You aren't exactly exempt from the crap birthday gift buying.

Playing stupid mind games and expecting this that and the other is not going to help.

It is not a "mind game" or "setting him up to fail". It's not as if she changes the date of her birthday every year and expects him to keep track!

He really, really shouldn't need reminding. If she has to remind him then that indicates he doesn't really care enough to bother by himself but if reminded will be able to save face. Well whoopidoo - who wants a present and card from someone under those circumstances?

I think she should say nothing and, if he doesn't remember, make it pretty clear how hurt she is. If he then goes out and gets her something after the event, well thanks for nothing mate. Basically if he forgets he should feel ashamed - maybe if he feels ashamed enough he will remember another time.

After all - does he forget other things? If his car needs to go in to the garage does he remember that? If he has something important on at work or has arranged to go for a drink with his mates does he remember? Bet he does.

FGS even if he has to set reminders on his phone or something there are ways and means of remembering if he cared enough.

It’s a matter of context.

I wouldn’t put it past my DH to forget special dates to be honest. I don’t see it as a reflection of how much he cares about me because day-to-day, he is hugely considerate. He just doesn’t put as much stock in the fanfare stuff - he’s quietly consistently decent. I’m fine with that.

corythatwas agree completely. Me too.

It's passive agressive to set him up to fail

This isn't a pop at Patchwork, but I disagree with that ⬆️⬆️

The OP's DH is a grown man. The OP has had the same birthdate ever since he's known her. They're married. FFS he should remember her birthday without having to be reminded.

So, I'm totally behind the OP for not reminding him. It's like when my DS started secondary school and forgot his PE kit -- I rang the school and they told me not to bring it in, as he had to learn to be responsible.

This DH has to learn to be nice.

I have a husband (who I love dearly) who is genuinely not very good at giving presents. Once he gave me a saucepan to replace one that he had wrecked. Another year he gave me a pack of cards because I had said it would be fun to play. He tried hard, but his presents were always pretty shit and not what I wanted. Also, he is very much more careful with his money than I am, and I like a bit of extravagance. So, I took charge/ownership of my birthday and Christmas presents and buy them and tell him that it's from him. It means I get really nice things that I want. If I want a special weekend for my birthday, I organise it and tell him in advance and then we enjoy something I want to do. He is happy that I am happy (and he hasn't disappointed me) and I am happy that I've got exactly what I want. Having said that, he always buys me flowers for Valentines and Mothers Day. But that's easy and it doesn't stress him, and I love them.

So, I took charge/ownership of my birthday and Christmas presents and buy them and tell him that it's from him

That's what I do too. I've had some fantastic presents since I started buying my own. My wife does insist that I wrap the Christmas ones and open them on Christmas Day though.

I would have stopped getting him cups of tea and gifts long ago! Tit for tat, but why should he get the tit, and you not even tat? (or vice versa).

(I hate my birthday though, have never enjoyed the fuss).

I'm not normally a fan of games and giving people tests or ultimatums without discussing it with them.

However..

In this case you haven't got a choice. You can't really say to him you're not reminding him of your birthday because that's reminding him. You're not setting him up to fail - he presumably knows the date and knows when your birthday is so to me your just letting him get on with it. And it's not like you're saying if he forgets you're going to leave him or anything which would be unfair.

I'd just want to know if he remembered or not. Yes you might be upset if he forgets. But it's not exactly making you feel great that you have to remind him and he picks up whatever is to hand from the supermarket on the way home anyway. So I don't see what you've got to lose

I don't agree not reminding your husband of your own birthday is tricking him or setting him up. It's about time some men started getting more involved in this shit rather than leaving it all to their wives as they're too busy with work.

He's crap at gifts and you are too, so I would just stop celebrating his birthday and get yourself brilliant presents and treats on yours. Not sure what to do about the tea.