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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

364 replies

Gradiva · 01/04/2019 22:05

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed Grin. Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

OP posts:
babyno5 · 05/04/2019 08:43

Happy birthday @Gradiva 🍾🎂💐🎈🎁. Hope you have a lovely day xx

Bittern11 · 05/04/2019 08:44

It's passive agressive to set him up to fail

She's not setting him up to fail, Patchwork, she's expecting him, very reasonably, to remember her birthday! They've been together 7 years. An adult human should be able to remember a date. And if he can't, there are plenty of electonic calendars etc he can set on his phone to remind him.

OP, happy birthday. I hope you manage to work things out with your h.

BarbaraofSevillle · 05/04/2019 08:49

I am going to let everyone in on a little secret that's been working for me for years..... Buy your own presents

But that's not a gift, that's just buying stuff for yourself, like you would anyway, if you have disposable income of course. If I buy a book, some clothes, chocolate, gin, tech or whatever, it's just... buying stuff.

Making it into a birthday gift for no reason at all other than to pretend it is from DP etc achieves nothing, because the gift is the thought and the effort, of which there has been none whatsoever.

he mentioned “so, are we going out tomorrow night The answer to that would be 'I don't know, what have you arranged'. Otherwise, you having to book a restaurant and sort out a babysitter, just puts all the work back onto you, so not a treat, and the whole point of the thread.

Happy birthday btw!

DorisDances · 05/04/2019 08:52

Happy birthday OP Flowers

Honeypickle · 05/04/2019 08:56

Happy Birthday to you! I hope you have a lovely day whatever you do x

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer · 05/04/2019 09:09

Happy birthday! CakeFlowersWine

WowStressed · 05/04/2019 09:11

Happy birthday @Gradiva. I really hope your H cops onto himself and that you have a lovely day.

MrsEricBana · 05/04/2019 09:13

Happy birthday SmileCake

UterusesBeforeDuderuses · 05/04/2019 09:19

Happy birthday! I hope you have a good day Thanksx

theyellowjumper · 05/04/2019 09:20

I would worry if there are other problems in your relationship and obviously address those. But I don't think you can 'teach' a partner in the same way that you might expect children to 'learn a lesson' from their mistakes. I speak as someone whose dh has spent 20 years forgetting things that are important to me. It used to really upset me, but I've just got used to the fact that birthdays, anniversaries, etc aren't really important to him, and he's not going to learn anything from me being angry or sulking because of something I chose not to remind him to teach him a lesson. It doesn't mean he's uncaring or thoughtless. In my dh's case, I think it's just because his family aren't big on birthdays or any kind of celebrations. They are nice, caring people, it's just that they don't go in for much present-buying, birthday meals, etc.

If something is important to me I've learned to flag it up well in advance. Not just my birthday, but things like a school performance that I think the kids will want dh to attend - I just say "If you're able to get the time off, I think dc would like it if you came along to this" or "maybe you could book x restaurant for my birthday next Thursday".

I also have to explain over and over that I don't like getting chocolates for a present, because I'm trying to lose weight, and in any case I don't like milk chocolate. It used to annoy me that dh didn't absorb this stuff and remember things like what my favourite flowers are, but I think if someone is like this but is caring and a good person in other ways, then you just have to accept the way they are, don't bother with dropping subtle hints, but give them a list of acceptable presents to choose from! If he's not caring in other ways, then I think that's the problem that needs addressing, not forgetting your birthday.

Happy birthday OP.

allyouneedis · 05/04/2019 09:21

Happy birthday! 🎂🎂 xx

I don’t think you set him up to fail as some people have said, no one reminds you of important dates so why should remind him.

It really grates on me when people think that poor men folk should be allowed to not adult and we should have had look after them!

Happynow001 · 05/04/2019 09:33

Happy birthday Gradiva! Hope you have a FABULOUS day - and weekend! Do something for yourself that you would like. 🌹🌈🧘🏽‍♀️💅🏻💃🏽

Notwiththeseknees · 05/04/2019 09:45

Sorry, I missed your update when I posted.
Have a 'please yourself' day. Take the DCs for pizza later, wear party hats & be silly.
I'm sure you can turn it around WineGinCakeThanks for yourself!!

Cocolepew · 05/04/2019 09:47

Happy birthday FlowersCake

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 05/04/2019 09:49

Happy birthday.

You do what the fuck you want today and grab it with both hands. Do whatever it takes to make YOU happy and forget you’re away out tonight.

If it’s an amazing birthday treat, well good for him. If it’s a damp squib and he’s obviously going through the motions, well that tells you what you think you already know.

aweedropofsancerre · 05/04/2019 10:04

Happy Birthday! Your DH sounds truly awful. Can you not go out with friends? I cant imagine going out with him will be much fun

mrswhiplington · 05/04/2019 10:14

Happy Birthday.Cake

Try and enjoy your special day!!

butteryellow · 05/04/2019 10:14

Happy birthday OP!

I did this this year - DP was actually really upset that I'd not warned him. I was resigned to it.

It takes no effort at all to put an appointment in his own phone to remind him, and pop to the shops at any point to buy a bottle of something (I'm fine without gifts, we can each buy whatever we want ourselves). It would be nice if he could marshal the children so they could get something, but if he can't be bothered, he can't be bothered.

On the bright side, it means that I take no nonsense from him about the quality of birthday presents I get him - I just do something like cook a meal I know he likes and have the kids pick something out.

mummymeister · 05/04/2019 10:22

Happy Birthday Gradiva. I did think when you first posted that if you had other (lovely) family members that they would post cards and it might just remind him what was happening today. Taking you out for a meal is a bit of a cop out though really isn't it because it takes no more thought or planning than one phone call. I am assuming he hasn't got any gifts for you to open? in which case my reply to him would be " nope I don't want to go for a meal with you. You are going to stay here with the kids and I am going to go see a film/go visit a friend/ something else without you. "

I really wouldn't go out with him this evening because if you do it allows him to tick the box that says "wifes birthday - done! "

I think he has been vile and the whole thing demonstrates what he really thinks of you.

My DH and I have present lists that we swop. We are both difficult to buy for, we know this so this is what we do and it works for us. But we do always try and buy something a bit silly/personal and there is always an element of choice in it (like buy a new phone case but no spec on colour etc) .

Be absolutely clear to him that this is symptomatic in your eyes of how much he values you. But not today - because today is your birthday and you need to think as little about him as you can so that you can have some enjoyment of it.

PrincessAndThePee · 05/04/2019 10:22

What is your real motivation? If you genuinely want to 'teach' him to remember, there are much better ways than this. e.g. teach him to put it in his phone calendar with reminders 2 weeks before. Tell him what kinds of things you'd like to do - and he could make notes on his phone.Sounds like you want to set him up to fail so you can then use it as a metaphorical stick to beat him with. You'll probably teach him something: - to associate annoyance/ resentment/ slight humiliation/ etc with your birthday.

He is a fucking grownup with a job. Do you think his boss sets reminders for him or just gets upset when he fucks up? If he can remember when it suits him, he can remember. If he acts childish and associates the OPs birthday with resentment and humiliation then he is behaving like a childish twat

disappear · 05/04/2019 10:59

Happy birthday, dear Gradiva ! Flowers

OneToThree · 05/04/2019 11:56

Happy birthday 🥳

woolduvet · 05/04/2019 12:09

Happy birthday!!

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 05/04/2019 13:15

Happy Birthday Cake

femidom12 · 05/04/2019 13:51

Happy birthday! Do 10 things today that will make you and only you happy. Maybe make number 10 a Google search on 'good local divorce lawyers'