Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

Oh God OP I feel for you. I am slap bang in the middle of something similar. I do not speak to my parents because of their relationship with the person who sexually abused me and raped my sister as children. It has absolutely torn my family apart. There are no easy answers for you in this.

I cannot offer you any advice. I don't actually know what you should do. In my situation I sat long and hard with my thoughts and figured what I needed to do to give myself the best opportunity at being at peace with myself and my choices in the longer term.

Sometimes life is desperately unfair and lots of people are called to do things that put themselves in all types of positions that make them feel like they are doing something that is incredibly wrong. Just don't do that. If you feel it is incredibly wrong then that is not the right choice for you.

How can they do this when the younger dd has forbidden anyone from telling the sil?

The SIL and her family all know that he spread rumours about OP's youngest and shared (fake) nude pictures of her. They don't want to know or believe it but it's more than enough to justify the oldest not wanting him there.
And do you really think they'd believe the rape accusations? Really?

In your shoes I wouldn't go. Seems to me that you offered a very reasonable solution of the rapist going to the evening do only. Your eldest had the opportunity to go with that and a good reason being the rumours he spread. I can't understand her approach. If you have to pick sides you need to choose your youngest. She needs your support.
Chances are the SIL will split up with him in time and everyone will hate him, and your eldest will wonder why she ever put his feelings above her own family's.

I posted earlier but forgot to add, that this must be an awful situation to be in, OP. It's rare for MN to unite but it's pretty clear from this thread that most people would support your youngest DD.

But the thought of not seeing your eldest be married is equally unthinkable. I'm sorry you're in such a horrid situation.... and that man needs his balls removing. Slowly and painful as possible.

Also to add, eldest DD's mum not being in attendance at the wedding will cause questions to be asked. People may well guess there's more to it.

And personally I would send someone over to break his legs before the wedding.
But this is more about your relationship with your daughters. And I hope that you’re eldest can stop being brainwashed into thinking it was nothing.

Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her

My eldest DD and fiancé did speak to the future in laws who said they have never seen their daughter so happy and as they ‘don’t know’ my younger DD they choose to be neutral and say nothing.

Given the mans reaction when he was challenged about the rumours (and fake nude photos he sent people on Snapchat) we are very wary of his reaction to what might be said that might get back to him.

Fiancé told SIL about the rumours the man spread about my youngest daughter but she didn’t want to hear it. He denied he did anything and she believed him. The in laws were told ALL the details just so they understood what kind of man the SIL was involved with. They say he makes her happy so have decided to do nothing because they don’t know my youngest daughter so, in their words “why should we believe her?”

How many more reasons do any of them need? It's appalling behaviour even without the rape.

CallMeRachel really? You could go to a wedding at be in the same room as the man that raped your daughter and be totally fine with it?

@YourSarcasmIsDripping no I wouldn't expect her to 'be fine with it' but as it's an alleged rape which has not even been reported and the bloke has not stood trial he should be presumed innocent imo.

The mother has another daughter who is getting married ffs, who cares if he's amongst the other guests? Why should the daughter be punished by her own family not going to her wedding.

The SIL and her family all know that he spread rumours about OP's youngest and shared (fake) nude pictures of her. They don't want to know or believe it but it's more than enough to justify the oldest not wanting him there.
And do you really think they'd believe the rape accusations? Really?

What we don't know is exactly what the in laws know - did the dd and this man have a relationship? Has the man answered about the rumours/pictures - has he denied it, is there any proof? Has has said that it's the sister making this up because she's upset they broke up?

I don't know. I can understand though how if you only get told 1 side of the story how it's difficult to see the full picture.

Maybe they would believe the rape accusation maybe they wouldn't. I do think that if the truth were told it would make the older daughter's position much stronger in order to argue that she doesn't want him there or doesn't want to socialise with him.

I've boycotted a variety of events or people themselves in situations like this. There is no way I would go. It would be a "sorry to miss out on such an important day, dd1, but it's a no brainer when you're inviting dd2's rapist, I wouldn't be able to control myself if I saw him".

If dd1 had to choose between having her mum there, or having the rapist there and her mum boldly not holding back from saying to people why she wasn't there, maybe she would see some sense.

What would she prefer?

I think it's disgusting of dd1 not to insist the man doesn't come. Surely the man knows she's the sister of the woman he raped, and must know about the situation - fucks sake.

I absolutely cannot stand arsehole attitudes surrounding social groups.

A friend of mine was badly abused by a guy who many people wouldn't avoid, simply because of the effect it would have on social dynamics within a particular subculture where everyone is connected. Which I think it shit and despite my knowing him since I was 16, I had no problem blocking him on social media and refusing to engage with him anymore.

I will not stand side by side with abusers, rapists, etc.

Jesus fucking Christ no wonder women are attacked,belittled,shamed and laughed when reporting rape if people think that even when it's family "Innocent until proven guilty", "alleged" and a fucking wedding takes precedence to a rape.

Also to add, eldest DD's mum not being in attendance at the wedding will cause questions to be asked. People may well guess there's more to it.

That's what I think too. That if they aren't careful this will come out and what your dd fears will happen. I do think your younger dd should at least think about this - it might be easier to keep it quiet, as she wants, if you go just for the ceremony and claim illness or something rather than don't go and fuel the gossip.

I would have to speak to the parent in laws to explain why you are not attending, your dd ( and I assume her fiancé know already). That way it isn't a snub that will follow you but a protective mothering instinct. If the pil have any noise they will have a quiet word with sil's fiancé and keep him away. The ride should have her sisters back but as she doesn't you have to support her instead.

It may be upsetting thinking of how your older DD is going to react to you not going to her wedding, but she is the one who chose to allow a rapist to be at her wedding. You're not to blame here.

Am I the only one who as well as getting angry on behalf of the younger DD is shuddering at the thought of inviting this rapist to a function where there is typically lots of alcohol flowing and people let their guard down?

tion much stronger in order to argue that she doesn't want him there or doesn't want to socialise with him.

You assume she doesn't want him there. I suppose you can see a way to reconciliation if that's your assumption and the oldest is only doing the bare minimum to save face and keep things civil.

Something tells me that's not the case, and it's more that she has a new life,a new family that she enjoys(including him) and she's over it , her sister is estranged and awkward and a victim that should be over it.

call me Rachel
Your belief in the U.K. system of justice is touching but possibly naive
Little Miss Christmas
You said if the truth were told it would be clearer and then you pose plenty of questions.bhave you ever been raped?
The youngest daughter was raped. She has told the truth.

@Lazydaisies I am so sorry for what you have been, and continue to go, through. Thank you for your comment. I’m spending a lot of time with my thoughts at the moment and it’s all overwhelming but I’m getting there.

Why should the daughter be punished by her own family not going to her wedding.

Cos she invited her sister's rapist to her wedding. Cos she invited the man who circulated nudes fake or otherwise of her sister. Its a dumbass ignorant horrific move.

The burden of prove when it comes to my sister is my sister says. Thats enough for me

An allegation of rape, that my sister told me about is enough not to have the person at my wedding. And without going off subject, a lot of women do not go to police and when they do the rapist can still be let off, So that is irrelevant.

I really wouldn't forgive my mum if she went to this wedding if that makes me ridiculous, So be it.

Absolutepowercorrupts

Not sure which of my posts you were referring to. But what I mean is that if the bride were able to say "Fred is not invited to the wedding because Sally says that he raped her. I don't care what you all say, I know my sister and I believe her" or " no I'm not coming to the bbq because Fred will be there and you know what happened" then I can see that as being a strong position to argue from.

On the other hand " I don't want Fred at the wedding because Sally said when they split up he spread rumours about her" or " not coming to the bbq because when he and Sally split up he bad mouthed her" I can see being very difficult to defend. Especially if the sil throws a strop and says if he doesn't go she won't go and then maybe mil gets drawn into it too the argument that he was a shit when he and the sister broke up loses strength against the groom's sister and parents not going to the wedding.

I just think that it's easier for us and the OP to understand why he shouldn't be invited because we know the whole story but anyone who only gets told the lesser version aren't going to understand.

toucantoo

Excellent post and totally agree

Eldest DD has made her choice knowing youngest DD wouldn’t go, and foolishly assumed you would still attend

However what worries me is the fact that your future SIL gets to call all the shots, bride doesn’t want to upset him? Bride doesn’t want to cause a rift in his family yet merrily does this to your family? Are you sure you want her to marry this man and his family?

I am with the vast majority here, your older DD should not actually expect any member of her own family to up to wedding. Younger DD needs your love and support.
Your older DD lacks basic loyalty, morality and decency-she probably will fit in well with the horrible new family.
I have cut people out of my life, in solidarity with someone who was sexually abused. It was not a complex decision.
Rape is an extremely violent and emotionally harmful crime, which stays with the victim for life.
So choose your younger DD and help her heal.

IAmInimitable Mon 01-Apr-19 19:59:15
Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

OP I absolutely disagree with some PP who claim you're caught between a rock and hard place - are you hell and frankly it's disgusting anyone could feel it appropriate you attend a wedding where your daughter's RAPIST is - unbelievable! - give your bloody head a wobble - there should be NO confusion - a monster raped your youngest DD - and you'd actually contemplate being in the same room as him???

I hate all weddings and avoid them wherever possible.

The in-laws may very well believe the OP's younger daughter, however if their DD doesn't believe her fiance did nothing wrong then they may be exceptionally wary of isolating her with a man capable of such evil. So I wouldn't put too much weight in their position - they are going to be thinking of their DD. Same with the groom, if he believes his future SIL he won't want to isolate his sister with an abusive man.