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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to daughters wedding

371 replies

IAmInimitable · 01/04/2019 19:59

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

OP posts:
kateandme · 01/04/2019 22:12

and if anyone hurts my sister it makes me feel horrid.to rape her would have be sick and aching to my core and I would never ever be around someone that could do that to her.

dragonsfire · 01/04/2019 22:12

Is there absolutely no room for compromise?

This is probably only event Younger DD May attend based purely on the rumours etc can he not go to the ceremony and you and younger DD (if she can face going) just go to the ceremony?

If your older DD won’t budge at all, I really don’t think you can go. Imagine the photos of you standing near your daughters rapist it’s unthinkable.

I feel for you but you can’t be near this man, I am shocked your eldest DD chooses to be but that is her choice and that choice means you can’t go.

I hope he never babysits anyone’s kids!!!

I really feel for you all a family torn apart when it’s the disgusting rapist who should suffer.

LittleChristmasMouse · 01/04/2019 22:12

GreenEggsHamandChips

Really? I wouldn't expect either of my children to give up their relationship in circumstances like this.

Snappedandfarted2019

The parents in law know but the sil doesn't because the younger dd has forbidden the elder dd from telling her. So if in the future the truth comes out, and given that quite a number of people now know, there is a fair chance that it will come out, there's a possibility that the sil will blame her brother and the older dd for not telling her.

I think the younger sister is asking too much from her older sister in expecting her to keep secrets.

I think the inevitable will happen here - either the wedding will be called off and then the OP and her dd will be blamed or the elder dd will become estranged from the OP. It seems no one is prepared to try and understand it from anyone else's perspective, and that is to all parties.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/04/2019 22:12

Horrible situation OP

I like the idea to attend the church wedding and support your DD and then consider not attending the festival afterwards

I do thick your older DD is in a very tricky position as it’s not really her issue here . And it sounds like she hasn’t taken it seriously enough either

And your younger DD needs to understand you have to support your DD in some
Way

I am so desperately sorry . His evil has
Spread so far

Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 22:14

@GreenEggsHamandChips
But we are discussing this. Because it’s complex family relationships. Wether you you they should be or not, they are.

In real life it would be great that the elder sister took her younger sisters side and told the cunt to fuck off. But she hasn’t. So it’s complex. Ffs.
This isn’t a thread of “what we really wished would have happened” “or what should morally happen”
This is what has happened and how to go forward. And hopefully not to break up an entire family.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 01/04/2019 22:15

When I was 14 my grandfather did things to me. It was the last time I saw him.
Years later he fell ill, I didn't give a shit. My dad was devastated and both my parents helped out.
Then he died,dad cried, they helped with the preparations and attended the funeral and whatever else was involvef.
I still didn't give a shit, I didn't go either.

Now people could say that the situation was complex.. the culture we're from,family ties, loyalty, FOG, social standing,opinions etc...

It wasn't and it still isn't for me. My parents cared for a man that did things to me in my own home. That's what it comes down to.

That's what it comes down to here, this man raped OP's daughter, spread rumours about her and nude (fake) photos. And her sister not only socialises with him ,but invited him to the wedding knowing all this. Her priorities are fucked,but that's not OP's problem.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 01/04/2019 22:15

@IAmInimitable

Please remember as much as you clearly love both your DD's. This is an action your Eldest is chosing to make.

Duoscoo · 01/04/2019 22:15

I believe my youngest and totally stand by her but I also love my eldest daughter and I know it’s going to potentially fracture our relationship and that’s hard too.

I love all of my children too but if one of them was to betray their sibling in such an appalling way, I would be ashamed of them. And damn right I would take sides.

Amoregentlemanlikemanner · 01/04/2019 22:18

Rape victims.
Such an inconvenience.
Why can’t they just be nice.

InsertFunnyUsername · 01/04/2019 22:18

IAmIn

My thinking and i may well be wrong, Is it will be easier to mend your relationship down the line with your eldest for missing her wedding, than it would be to mend the disloyalty your youngest will feel if you go.

I feel sorry for you and your youngest daughter being made to choose. It should never have even been an option.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 01/04/2019 22:20

@Meandwinealone

I couldnt be in the same room who was behaving the way the Eldest DD is. I would find it inherently repulsive. It would be a non issue i dont spend time with people who behave in an inherently repulsive way to people i care about. The Eldest DD has already broken the family. Its not complex just incredibly sad

CallMeRachel · 01/04/2019 22:20

I think your younger dd either has to report what happened as rape and tell people what he did or bury it and accept her sister is now part of his extended family.

She can't expect others to take sides and become involved if she hasn't done anything about it herself.

From your POV, your elder dd is getting married and that should have nothing to do with your younger dd experience with one of the guests. I think I'd tell her that you have to go but it doesn't mean you don't believe her. She can't let that man control everything she and you do, that's ridiculous.

Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 22:21

@Amoregentlemanlikemanner
Really that’s what you take from this thread. From the op.
The eldest daughter isn’t the rapist. And even if she was I could understand why the mother still would love and worry about them.

If there is one thing parents on mumsnet bang on about is how their love for their children is unconditional. Hmm

Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 22:23

@GreenEggsHamandChips
Well yes it is complex and it is Sad. But it is saveable.
That’s the point.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 01/04/2019 22:23

I can love a child unconditionally. Its still my job to teach them right from wrong both through my words and my actions. You can love a child without liking what theyve done.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 01/04/2019 22:24

Jesus, what a complete mess.

There is no way I would be going to the wedding OP.

I also don't understand your future son in law's reaction tbh.

Him and his family are happy that his sister's with a rapist?

They don't feel the need to protect her or get her to break things off with him?

And your older daughter can spend time with him?

That's fucked up on so many levels.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 01/04/2019 22:25

@CallMeRachel really? You could go to a wedding at be in the same room as the man that raped your daughter and be totally fine with it?

GreenEggsHamandChips · 01/04/2019 22:25

But it is saveable.

It was never savable once the eldest DD socialised with her DS' rapist. It was only ever going to get worse

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/04/2019 22:26

If it helps OP, my family situation is both complex and complicated and the one thing that I have found the most helpful it to completely let go of the idea that there is a happy ending to be had here. There isn't. Once you let that idea go, it can clear the decks a bit and make it easier to see a way forward.
There is no "good" solution here, but the least bad is for your older daughter to be upset/angry/hurt because that (while regrettable) is still better than your younger one being traumatised and humiliated. The greater hurt would be for your younger daughter to be abandoned.

bellabasset · 01/04/2019 22:27

I have to say that I feel some sympathy for your eldest dd and her fiance. They are planning their wedding and through no fault of theirs one of their siblings has been raped by the partner of the other one's sibling. This looks like spoiling their day if only one side of the family will be there.

If you have kept the proof of the the nudes I would go to the parents with it, say you aren't going to miss your dd's wedding and neither should your younger dd. So either the man is only invited to the evening and is told why or you will tell the future SIL about her bf. Has your younger dd not been invited to be a bridesmaid?

It is difficult to accuse this man of rape as your younger dd - understandably- doesn't want to make an official complaint which could cause her stress of something she has put in the past.

InsertFunnyUsername · 01/04/2019 22:27

your elder dd is getting married and that should have nothing to do with your younger dd experience with one of the guests

That would be called rape.

LittleChristmasMouse · 01/04/2019 22:28

They don't feel the need to protect her or get her to break things off with him?

How can they do this when the younger dd has forbidden anyone from telling the sil? Maybe the fiancee desperately wants to tell his sister and protect her but they are abiding by the wishes of OPs dd.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/04/2019 22:32

This reply has been deleted

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Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 22:32

@GreenEggsHamandChips
Which is exactly what the op is trying to do.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 01/04/2019 22:34

The fucking nudes should have been enough. That it ended badly should have been enough for the eldest DD to end ties. That her raped her sister and shes still retaining contact is just horrific.

It doesnt say much for the groom that hes prepared to socialise with him either