Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

Your eldest dd needn’t be in any position.

She could easily at the beginning of the wedding simply told her fiancé that rapist wouldn’t be invited given the nudes and nasty rumours, and that it would be inappropriate for him to be there. As the whole family were aware of what happened this wouldn’t be a massive surprise.

She had the opportunity to do this many many months ago, she choose not to. Instead she socialised with him and invited the rapist to her wedding.

Of course she is to blame for completely failing to deal with this.

Taking both daughters out of the equation, there's no way in hell I would ever be able to be in the same room with the man that raped my daughter. There's even less of a chance I'd see him and not try to murder him. So for the safety of everyone and my sanity I would stay away.

The rumours and nudes is enough reason to not invite him. But your oldest doesn't really want that does she? She's put it behind her, doesn't fully believe your youngest and is happy playing happy families with everyone, including her sister's rapist.

Fuck that shit.

Bloody hell - this is a no brainer. You support your youngest dd. No question.

Very different but my terminally ill brother didn't want a certain guest at my wedding. I made sure he didn't come. It cost me a friendship. No regrets.

A lot of posters seem to have ignored the fact that the rapist shared photos of the younger dd via snapchat. And slut shamed her, so as well as raping her, he has to go one step further to doubly humiliate her. That was why the youngest dd didn't report, she's also had the ' no smoke without fire' doubt from her local community

FYI
I’m the one who said it’s complex. I never said it was complicated.

Complex is used to refer to the level of components in a system. If a problem is complex, it means that it has many components. Complexity does not evoke difficulty. On the other hand, complicated refers to a high level of difficulty

Just incase people are too stupid to understand

@LittleChristmasMouse

So you would potentially expect the older dd to give up her relationship in order to show support to her sister?

Yes that would be fine by me.

I wouldn't want my DD marrying anyone that didnt respect her and her relationship with her family.

Its not complicated

Op be firm, be honest. You will see him at the wedding, how will you react?
How would any of us react?
He wouldn’t be walking out of the church if this was my dd, and I am known to be gentle.

Your eldest is being entirely unreasonable to expect you to do this. Tell her you can not be responsible for your actions so she makes her choice.

Rape is not complex.
Socialising with the man that raped your sister is not complex.
Thinking a victim of rape should get over it because it makes life easier for you is not complex.

None of this is.

So just say that the dd puts her foot down and says that the man can't come to the wedding on the basis that he spread rumours about her sister. Then the next invite comes - family wedding, Christmas etc - she can't forbid him coming she can only remove herself. Which then causes problems between her and her husband and his family. Then if they have children - even if she refuses to socialise the husband will be expected to attend with the children because it makes no sense for the whole family to be ignored on the basis of what appears (to outsiders) to be a relationship that has broken up badly and malicious rumours spread.

What if the fiancee or his parents lose their patience over any of this and let the secret out? You can't make others keep your secrets and I would be very scared that if I pushed too hard that would be exactly what happened, not intentionally but just in the heat of the moment.

Your sarcasm
Springwalk
You are both so right

If a problem is complex, it means that it has many components

Its not even complex from your definition. Theres only one component that should matter.

I really would hate to be the little sister to some PP. Im sorry to be blunt, but boo fucking hoo the eldest sister is in this position because her youngest sister had possibly one of the worst things that can happen to a woman done to them. In the grand scheme of things i know where my sympathy goes.

But i suspect the eldest sister doesn't believe/doesn't care/blames her sister for being raped, because i can not imagine inviting a rapist to my wedding, no matter the "complex circumstances"

@YourSarcasmIsDripping
Rape is and isn’t complex. As I said. Because rape isn’t just about the act of rape. As this thread shows.
Do people actually live in the real world.

The problem is your older DD’s denial. It sounds like she’s in complete denial about the rape because it’s too messy to deal with. It spoils her lovely, happy, shiny life, so she’s decided to pretend it’s not what it is.

No wonder your younger DD is estranged from her. The elder is demonstrating truly terrible cowardice and disloyalty. And she seems to have swallowed a lot of rape myths.

I can’t see how you can go to the wedding in this situation. I think you need to confront your elder DD’s denial head on. Tell her you cannot be in the same room as the man who raped your younger DD, and that you are horrified that she can be. Tell her it’s breaking your heart and that nothing else on earth could keep you from her wedding, but this is a line that you cannot cross. Tell her that you are devastated that she doesn’t love her sister enough to say no to socialising with her rapist.

I think you have to drive it home to her time and time again if necessary that this man raped her sister. She doesn’t believe it. So if there is a way to make her believe it, you have to find it. I don’t mean trying to convince her with arguments; I think if anything can convince her it will be the force of your belief that what happened was indeed rape. You just need to keep repeating it like a stuck record.

Ask her directly if she’s determined to prioritise not rocking the boat with her new family over standing up for her sister. Don’t get distracted by discussions about whether DD2’s new bf has influenced her or whatever, just keep sticking to the facts: this man raped her (DD2) and she (DD1) is prepared to have him at her wedding. At the moment she is being enabled to continue in her bubble of denial; maybe, just maybe the thought that this is so serious that you won’t come to her wedding because of it might pierce that bubble.

@GreenEggsHamandChips
Well if it didn’t have many components then we wouldn’t be discussing this would we. I’m not saying the components are GOOD
but they are components
Jesus people.

me and wine alone
I hope you feel better now you posted your incredibly patronising post

see if someone raped my sister theyd be dead-not invited to a fucking wedding

Your oldest DD needs to some education about rape.

Your DD's actions were not of someone behaving "normally" after the rape. That is her inner defence machinism trying to protect her from the trauma.

I'd be telling the older one, that I was disgusted by her attitude to her sister and to rape.

I'm not that close to either of my sister but god help anyone who hurt them. I also have a DD and I couldnt share the same air with anyone who hurt her. Even seeing him would make me sick with rage.

Quite @Gabsalot

There is no dilemma if the OP and her eldest daughter actually had any loyalty or an ounce of moral fibre

im sorry how anyone I new could be in the same room as someone who raped me would be f* sickening.i cant quite believe some of the answer on here.if this had happened to me I think my mum would have to be restrained from killing the shithead if she new who it was.never mind be in the same room.
this is rape.a crime.a horror.and people are questioning this?

plus I know my sister would be falling out big time with her 'new family' easily and not be socialising with any of them ever if it was to be around him.

Well if it didn’t have many components then we wouldn’t be discussing this would we.

Thats the point. We shouldnt be discussing it. It isnt complex. The only reason we are is that the Eldest Daughter has behaved completely unacceptably and the mum is on the edge of doing so.

It isnt complex. its not complicated he shouldnt be at the wedding. The Eldest DD has bought the situation on herself by not doing the right thing at the right time.

@Absolutepowercorrupts
If a load of people are going to have a go at me about a word that I used specifically because of its meaning and then misinterpret it. Then I will explain it.

I have been raped in this situation and I have been not really been believed and I understand how difficult it is for people to believe and I think the best thing is for the family involved to talk, and talk and talk some more

I don’t believe in stringing everyone up. And I’m not talking about the rapist.

It’s so easy to be black and white on an Internet forum. But this is a familial relationship. Not a mumsnet Lynch mob

I wouldn't want my DD marrying anyone that didnt respect her and her relationship with her family.

And this. It also doesn’t bode well for her marriage if it’s all founded on denial, on looking the other way when a man violates a woman, on enabling abusive rapists to be seen as great guys and fully embraced and included in the family.

I wouldn’t want my DD marrying into that environment, and I would be very worried about her future happiness if she did.

Thank you for all your replies and comments.

I have already made it clear to my eldest daughter that her father and I cannot go to the wedding if he is there.

However, your replies have been really helpful in making me think more about the whole situation. I believe my youngest and totally stand by her but I also love my eldest daughter and I know it’s going to potentially fracture our relationship and that’s hard too.