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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my Mum is wrong.

154 replies

codswallup · 01/04/2019 09:39

My mum started paying my DS & DD spending money about 5 years ago every week. When my DD turned 18 recently she told her that she wouldn't be giving her any more spending but will still give my DS,who is 13, spending money. So overall when my DS reaches 18 he will have received more spending money than my DD. I think this is wrong because they should be treated the same. So because of this my sister has decided to give my DD spending money until my DS reaches 18 then they've both received the same, my mum doesn't know about this arrangement. I can't mention any of this issue to my mum as she's hard work to talk to about anything especially regarding money, life is easier to keep your mouth shut than to approach her about her decision.
AIBU with this situation?

OP posts:
vintanner · 01/04/2019 11:40

Strange, I always thought it was the parent/s who gave their children weekly spending money. Grandparents, aunts & uncles give gifts, etc.

Noobcrumble · 01/04/2019 11:43

CJsGoldfish - “how did THAT little detail get left out for so long?”

Thinking the exact same thing...

WhiteDust · 01/04/2019 11:43

My DD has started working so I understand why my Mum has stopped paying her

Unfortunate use of words... 'paying' her for what?

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 01/04/2019 11:47

Chip quite - there are people at work who will get final salary pensions, and people who won't. Just the way things are sometimes.

CheerfulMuddler · 01/04/2019 11:49

OP, your children are never going to have an equal childhood. Your DD is always going to have had five years of undivided attention and five years of not having a sibling to play with. Your DS is always going to have had to share your attention when he was a baby, and always had a sister to play with (or fight with!)

Your DS gets more hand-me-down toys. Your DD gets more new toys - and has to hand down her old toys when she grows out of them, while your DS gets to sell them on Gumtree. They will have different relationships with their father, depending on your personal history. Your DD will always effortlessly win physical and mentally challenging games, because she's five years older. She'll also be expected to be more sensible and grown-up than her brother - because she's five years older. She'll be the one who has all the arguments with you about whether she's old enough to have a mobile or go to the shops on her own - by the time your DS came along, you'll have threshed all that out already. But your DS will probably get away with a bit more because he's younger - or your DD might think he does, even if he doesn't really.

At different times in their childhood, you'll have more or less money, space, time and energy, depending on your personal circumstances. They'll benefit or not benefit from that to different extents.

(And yes, I'm sure I got plenty of those things wrong, but I'm sure there are other differences I don't know about.)

As long as you love them both, and give them both your time and energy and affection, as long as you try and weigh up their differing needs and desires without consistently favouring one, they should turn out okay.

I think YABU. Your DD is an adult. She doesn't need pocket money.

TurquoiseDress · 01/04/2019 11:49

To be fair, I think it is reasonable that your DM has decided to stop giving pocket money to your 18 year old DD.

One thing, has DD finished her formal education? i.e. has she done her A-levels/other qualifications?

I would say that it's reasonable for your DM to continue giving her money until she completes school, then presumably off to university/work

It does seem a bit strange that your sister is now giving money to DD, however would she have wanted to do this anyway regardless of your DM stopping payments?

I think once you've got to 18, more precisely, finished with any secondary education, then i think it's a reasonable point to stop with pocket money. Indeed getting a weekend/part time job while studying is great for learning independence and realising how hard it is to earn money and that it does not grow on trees as the saying goes!

However, so long as it's not interfering with study or affecting exam results etc

Overall, i think your DM has been v generous and kind with this, and it is her decision whether to continue or not

SheeshazAZ09 · 01/04/2019 11:53

"Looking a gift horse in the mouth" is the phrase that comes to mind. In my view you are showing a massively entitled attitude to a very generous practice on the part of your mum. She is under no obligation to pay for anyone else's kids. So anything that any of your kids has received from her is a bonus. Be grateful and don't be angling for more from any family members.

Chickenwing · 01/04/2019 11:57

A family member giving pocket money to someone 18 or over is completely embarrassing. She is not a child. Who cares if her wee brother has had the money for longer? He's a child and can't earn money.

Also you sound so ungrateful to your mum. It's as if you want her to stop giving money to your son? Weird.

Limensoda · 01/04/2019 12:03

When my eldest grandson was 12, to 15 I used to give him money here and there because he didn't have any. His mum wasn't well off at the time and I felt sorry for him when he missed out on what his friends were doing.
I haven't done this with any of my other grandchildren because my daughter is very comfortable now and her other children and my son's children get so much that he never did.
I wouldn't give a shiny shit if my daughter thought this isn't fair. Luckily, she isn't daft enough to think the way you do OP.

Butchyrestingface · 01/04/2019 12:03

Is your DD still living at home, @CJsGoldfish? Why not ask tell her to give your younger child his pocket money in lieu of whatever keep you take from her? 😈

That way your mum and sister are out of the picture money wise.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/04/2019 12:04

Never ever have I heard of anybody receiving pocket money once they turned 18. It is ludicrous. And I don't believe the drip feed either . You would most definitely included that i your OP given how badly you think your DM is behaving.

purpleme12 · 01/04/2019 12:06

Mmm yes maybe you're right Sweeney actually

Pk37 · 01/04/2019 12:09

This is really wrong and weird. At 18 you’re an adult able to make your own money

FoxSquadKitten · 01/04/2019 12:09

Your mum may have been relieved when your DD turned 18, as it frees up a bit of her money.

Obviously not as she's now allegedly giving it to her DS 😆

💧 💧 💧

TheGigglingGazelle · 01/04/2019 12:09

It's your mum's money and you don't sound very grateful she's doing this for your DC. I hope you're not passing this entitled attitude on to them.

Pk37 · 01/04/2019 12:10

And I mean wrong in the sense of your sister still giving her money .
Why? why aren’t you giving your kids “pocket money” why your relatives ?

ChipSandwich · 01/04/2019 12:14

Never ever have I heard of anybody receiving pocket money once they turned 18. It is ludicrous

My brothers who are 10 and 12 years older than me never got pocket money from my parents and nor did I. Pocket money wasn't really as common in those days in the deprived area in which I lived. However, when they left school and went into apprenticeships, they used to give me, their little sister, a small amount of pocket money out of their wages. (sixpence from each, as I remember). Now wasn't that generous of them? And an entirely different attitude to family and money than I'm seeing in OP.

JenniferJareau · 01/04/2019 12:16

Who actually has the issue with this though OP? Has your DD said anything to you or is it your concern?

FiveLittlePigs · 01/04/2019 12:16

Think OP's user name says it all.

ChipSandwich · 01/04/2019 12:16

And these were 15 year old boys. Not 18 year olds.

DarkDarkNight · 01/04/2019 12:19

You’re being unreasonable. It doesn’t matter who has got more overall, both kids will receive the money until they are 18. The expectation is they will then get a part time job while they study or enter the workplace. You’re lucky your Mum is helping out in this way, it’s cheeky to question it.

I’m in a similar position where my Dad gives all his grandkids money when they start school full time. I delayed my Son starting School for a year so my son missed out. It’s my Dad’s money so his choice.

BlueMerchant · 01/04/2019 12:22

OP, you and your sister sound utter bonkers. SorrySmile

Illberidingshotgun · 01/04/2019 12:27

What are your DD's thoughts on all of this? Does accepting regular money from her Aunt make her feel uncomfortable? She is an adult now, so any financial discussions and transactions should be between her and your DM/ Dsis.

What is your DD going to do when she leaves school? If she is going to university or college then perhaps her Aunt will wish to support her whilst doing this, but if she is going straight into work then I would find it very strange that her Aunt will continue to give her pocket money whilst, once she is earning a salary, she will be able to support herself. Does your Dsis have DC?

I also don't like your DMs attitude that she can "buy" physical affection from her DGC, and that it's ok for adults to give children money in return for physical contact?! Not a great lesson for young people to learn in life.

FoxSquadKitten · 01/04/2019 12:32

However, when they left school and went into apprenticeships, they used to give me, their little sister, a small amount of pocket money out of their wages

Ahh, that's sweet 🙂

Daenerys77 · 01/04/2019 12:47

OP, you seem preoccupied with a purely mathematical concept of fairness; it sounds like you have issues with your mother which go beyond money.

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