to think my Mum is wrong.

[codswallup]

My mum started paying my DS & DD spending money about 5 years ago every week. When my DD turned 18 recently she told her that she wouldn't be giving her any more spending but will still give my DS,who is 13, spending money. So overall when my DS reaches 18 he will have received more spending money than my DD. I think this is wrong because they should be treated the same. So because of this my sister has decided to give my DD spending money until my DS reaches 18 then they've both received the same, my mum doesn't know about this arrangement. I can't mention any of this issue to my mum as she's hard work to talk to about anything especially regarding money, life is easier to keep your mouth shut than to approach her about her decision.
AIBU with this situation?

So at the age of 23 your daughter is going to be receiving spends? TBH it's bad enough that an 18 year old still receives them.

I think your sister is bonkers. And so are you for encouraging it. Let's hope your daughter takes after your mum and sees how ridiculous it is and politely says no thank you.

You need to let the 'fairness' issue go. Life isn't always equal.
Your children are lucky to have such a nice thing being given by your mum and your dd is a big girl now and of age to support herself and deal with the pocket money stopping.

What a very odd situation all round!

I hope your DD is not going to accept money from her aunt

@GardeningWithDynamite THANK YOU for understanding.

codswallop Either a wind up or you are unbelievable in your attitude.

Nobody normal adds up what their kids get throughout their childhood and whether it is fair or not. We struggled more when our first child was younger so he got less. The second child got more when they were younger as we were better off. But at the time both were treated fairly. Should we have spent more on the second as they got older to make it fair overall?

Very peculiar thinking.

Honestly if I was your mum I would just go fuck this for a game of soldiers.

DH and SIL are 10 years apart. His parents had more money when SIL was a child, when DH was young they were skint. Do his parents owe him extra money now because SIL got more than he did? No because that’s not how life works.

YABU.

'Same treatment' is for children. Your DSIS is being a bit crazy, as are you.

If we, as a family, inherit something that improves our standard of living - all of us at once - do we somehow have to stagger its impact on each member of the family, to make things 'fair'? Or do we collectively embrace our good fortune?

Surely that's a similar situation to yours? Your DMum found herself able to do this nice thing at a certain point in her life.

This is a clear case of 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'.

Also, it sounds as though you never know what your DM will do next, as you don't discuss money. Who know who she has savings accounts for, or how 'fair' her will will be?

Your dd will have more time with her grandparents in her life. That is a form of good fortune that cannot be evened out.

but also my mum has decided to give my DS double now since she stopped paying my DD

Epic drip feed; as is usual on these threads when there is a significant YABU response the description of the behaviour of the parent/IL becomes ever more extreme.

mo, I hadn't missed that, gardening?

Have you and the OP missed that if she stops when the younger is 18, the older will have benefited by getting this money for 5 years whilst she's also earning? But then - what if the DS goes to uni and doesn't earn for another 3 years? Gosh, the permutations are endless.

She's giving it to them week by week as pocket money (why??). Take it, thank her and be grateful.

Btw, does this spending money mean you are let off giving pocket money? Or that you haven't had to increase it? Or haven't had to pay for as many things as they have their own funds? Maybe it's actually you who has benefited most!

Surely it's obvious that the younger one will receive more money if they both stop at 18 and it isn't fair. The son does get more because one child gets 5 years worth and the other gets 10 years worth! She should either stop both now or continue both until the younger one reaches 18

And if your DS is now getting double he gets 15 years worth. Very unfair.
Does your DM need to make it so very obvious that she favours your son? I would discourage this. She's paying out the same amount - why not put it into a long term savings account for your DD.

Look at it this way: you want an older lady, who is presumably on a fixed income, to give regular payments to your adult daughter, who is young and presumably healthy and has her whole working life ahead of her.

Your mum may have been relieved when your DD turned 18, as it frees up a bit of her money. I’m sure you’ve taught your children that life isn’t always fair, and that they are not entitled to other people’s generosity. Your daughter will survive without Granny’s money.

Goodness, life is unfair! At 18 your daughter should at least be able to partake a part time job or a summer job if in education or a full time one if not and pay her own way!

What does your daughter think? Is she bothered or just you?

Drip drip drip. I'd be mortified if a family member was giving my adult DC pocket money. I'd also have been mortified if my mum was pushing my gran to give me pocket money as an 18 year old!

Op your children aren't entitled to pocket money from anyone. Your DM has done you an enormous good turn by giving your DC thousands over the last few years. Use this as a lesson to your 18 year old that they become responsible for funding themselves when they become adults.

you are right but also my mum has decided to give my DS double now since she stopped paying my DD

That does make it worse again!

I'm really surprised at the amount of posters launching into you. This doesn't deserve a flaming at all, I think you've caught AIBU on a grumpy Monday morning.

It is unfair (life being generally randomly unfair is one thing but your grandmother treating you differently to your siblings is another) and it's upsetting your DM can't see it for herself, more than it being about the money.

It's really sweet & kind your sister has offered to bridge that gap, but I don't know if I'd accept it as it's not her gap to bridge - is money an issue generally OP? Is it pocket money that really helps your DC?

I also hope this isn't real, because it's really grabby and ungrateful if it is.

I sincerely hope your daughter has the moral fibre not to accept money from her aunt if it is true.

Maybe stop using the expression “paying” your children. it seems to be skewing your perspective on this.

The whole thung sounds really tacky.

Alsohuman they do.

Have a relative like this when it comes to presents. Heaven forbid that one child is given a birthday present that cost 50p less than the other. (I reckon the Mum makes notes!!)

Where does this absurd micro balancing of 'fairness' stop, though, for relatively trivial amounts ?

My mother gave my two pocket money when they were still at school, as a kind gesture that she decided she wanted to do - same amount, but it never occurred to anyone to analyse ' well, the older one gets it for a shorter time overall because she was older when the payments started but she is at the beginning of the school year so she will be 18 at the beginning and but the other is a summer born so she is 18 at the end so will have it for a bit longer relative to age during that last year of school '. Nuts.

The DCs did slightly different activities ( by preference) when they were younger - both given the same opportunities and the differences in cost weren't huge as a running cost but if added up ( as the Spreadsheet Meister (DH) did as an exercise for our interest only ) one had more spent on her. Should we retrospectively balance that out ?

The costs for supporting one DD at Uni were much higher than the other, because of longer terms and more expensive accommodation etc costs - should we have given the cheaper one a lump sum to 'make up' for this notional discrepancy ?

The OP's mother has done a nice and generous thing for her grandchildren and it is the same amount for the time that they are getting it and the defined end point, in terms of reaching adulthood, is the same. The OP's sister must really be holding on to some kind of resentment from her own childhood about perceived inequality ( not necessarily financial) to suggest such a bizarre arrangement.

Escape anywhere I still stick by my opinion that is right to end at 18 regardless that they both started at the same time.

However no I don't think it's right that it's suddenly doubled but that is a different issue and it does seem that has been drip fed

My grandparents on both sides gave me and my brother (6 years younger) money until we turned 18 then stopped. I didn't find it odd at all that he got money and I didn't, I was just grateful I got it in the first place. My Nan carried on past 18 but that was her choice. I'd only find it inappropriate if one GC got money & the other one never did.

I see what you mean OP - that if your mum is stopping arrangements because of age then by the same token she should have started off your DD earlier as such. Your DD has been getting pocket money from age 13 whereas your DS has been getting pocket money from age 8 so overall he will benefit for far longer than DD.

However. Although I understand your logic, take a step back. Any money they get from family members as a gift is just that - a gift. Your DD is old enough to understand that it's just the way the cookie crumbled on this occasion and it's up to DD if she feels resentful about it or not really, not you. (and if she did I would point out your DM didn't have to give her any money at all for the last 5 years so she's had 5 years of pocket money rather than no years).

But I think it's one of those situations whereby YANBU to feel irritated that your DM is doing things by age, but going by age she didn't start it fairly either - but YABU if you actually voice that and/or make it a problem in any way. Any money received is a gift and should be gratefully accepted and that's it, with no expectations.

As for your sister keeping it up - that's a bit odd TBH.