To be disappointed with the school mums

[tipsandtricks]

Supposedly “naice” area, private school (which may or may not make a difference, I don’t know) and some of the mothers are just not nice people!

They gossip, they show off, they try to manipulate the teachers (and it works with some), they do not discipline their children, they are competitive to the point of making nasty remarks to 4 year olds if they have won a prize and their child hasn’t and they flout the school rules (hair length, uniform, no fighting) because they are paying so “what are they going to do?!” 😕

I don’t know what I was expecting but this is like a group of mean girls who have had children and still think they are in the playground.

We've moved around a lot and have therefore experienced a lot of different primaries, both state and one private primary. All fine, except for one school, our local state primary, where there was a clique of mean girl mums.

I think you've just been unlucky. It really is a matter of chance where there are enough people of the same mentality to really be a big enough influence.

A lot of the odd attitudes stemmed from the Head's elitist attitude eg statements at a parent's evening.. "This is a state school which likes to think of its self as a private school". Some parents were convinced, because the Head hinted this was the case, that the Head's reference was essential to secondary school applications. It wasn't - I checked! but they were desperate to be in the Head's "good books". Bullying was also rife at that school. So glad when we left.
By contrast the state primary up the road from this one, which one of our older DC's attended was lovely. So as I said, I think you've just been unlucky and maybe should consider moving before it drives you crazy.

I personally know five families on bursaries, two are 100%. I will even tell you the school’s. Tonbridge School, Walthamstow Hall, Sevenoaks School and Sackville.
Sevenoaks Prep did bursaries as did my dc prep school.“

Yes, I do too. And I know they do. As I said. They are just not “assisted places”

There's always that loud group of so called yummy mummies at every school gate, private or state school. There'll also be plenty of genuinely nice mums quietly waiting for their children. I hope you find them OP.
BUT staff & parents together on an expensive night out & then posted all over Facebook?? A true sign that money does not buy class.
I honestly don't think this would happen in a state school.

No sure why its "even more irksome" that some children are on an assisted place?

Bertrand you could argue in an empty room! The term ‘assisted place’ is commonly used, again, more links

www.thebluecoatschool.com/assisted-places/

feeassistancelondonschools.org.uk/

‘Reduced-fee and free places are normally called bursaries or assisted places. You need to find out about these from the school’s website, or by ringing the school’s admissions office. If you are considering applying for a place at a boarding school, you could also look at the Royal National Children's SpringBoard Foundation website – an organisation that pairs up children from low income homes with boarding schools’

www.isc.co.uk/bursaries/applying-for-a-free-place-at-an-independent-school/

“I honestly don't think this would happen in a state school.”

It would, you know. Some state schools have very expensive fundraisers that only the well off parents can afford to go to. One state primary near me has a black tie summer ball with £50 tickets and an auction.......

They are definitely called “assisted places” in our terms and conditions. Just checked.

How do you know all this? When does all this batshittery occur?
At our school, you turn up, drop the children off, nod at any parents you recognise then off you pop for the day. At the end of the school day, if you're there for pick-up, you arrive a few minutes before they kick them out, stand, have a bit of a chit chat or scroll through your phone then it's straight out of the playground again.
Who the hell has the time or inclination to indulge such daft witterings? I don't know if I'd piss myself laughing or walk away if I ever came across it myself.

Highly unsurprising I am afraid. I sometimes work in a coffee shop catching up on reports etc and it is near a private school. The way the mums talk to the staff is shocking-they treat them like serfs. I was talking to one barista who said to me that they dreaded 3.30pm.

Here is something radical: some people who are wealthy choose NOT to send their children to private schools. 😱

Actually re the so called “school mums”, the best plan is to drop off or pick up and take off. Lots of people prefer to do that.

Yes they do Haze and as a tutor I say that lots of kids are better off for that.

OP - I’m a private school mum. You’ve got a bad lot at your school and the having of cliquey dinners with staff sounds really inappropriate.

Ours would never do that, and we also don’t have time for gossip about the others! Too busy. Out exchanges of info are limited to when the next church service is and what time after school club bookings opens.

The school organised get together events. Maybe it’s because we are quite isolated and there isn’t a lot to do locally but people hang around the school after the start of the day, bring their dogs to walk (allowed in school grounds) etc.

It sounds hellish.

My kid isn't in school yet but I went to a private school and my mum never had an issue with the other parents.

I pick up my DN's from a non private school in a relatively affluent area and I've never felt an issue when doing so. In fact as they see me around once a week they always smile and say hello.

A lot of it is luck of the draw, a lot of it is their own insecurities, some of it could also be you and your perception.

My children's father is a millionaire and he's a real c*nt. Money does not always equal being a nice person unfortunately!

The wealthiest people I know couldn't give a shit about the materialistic stuff: clothes, keeping up appearances, nothing. They've got nothing to prove.
Some of the mums at my school growing up were an elitist bunch, though. Once there was a knock on the classroom door and in wafted a mum with a massive bunch of flowers to give to the teacher as she'd heard she was unwell. I looked over to her son, horrified and ready to raise a commiserate eyebrow but he looked like he was used to it and was smiling indulgently (teacher's pet!).

Survival guide gleaned from three prep schools and two public schools.

It is not the school, it is the year. They are either overly competitive and will run over a small child for any advantage to their precious darling, or they have totally got the programme and realise its all an utter waste of time and energy and will be chilled out to the point of abject indifference. These are the mothers you need to hunt down. Often found in the spa, wine bar or yoga class. You will feel insulated and have a whole lot of fun with parents that have ‘got it’. No the grade six cello is not going to matter aged twenty seven and jobless with a nasty coke habit. Some mothers know this. Others are yet to learn.

Cliquey mothers? Wave and smile and keep walking. Don’t ever involve yourself with any line of conversation. It will take them the total of ten seconds to get around to asking you what book your child is reading/what grade your child reached for their piano exam/do we think we should do something about Mrs Green as she doesn’t seen very focused on the children’s ‘needs’, and worse still will list all the parties you and your child have not been invited to.
If you are really lucky you will be £20 poorer after some collection or other, saddled with manning the stall on Saturday for four hours, been pushed into offering an all weekend sleepover for their brattish children so she can have me time with errant husband, and be running a half marathon in six weeks. Despite the fact you have just had a hysterectomy and can hardly walk.

A sense of humour and perspective is an absolute must, the ability to be invisible wafting in and out of said school is a gift, and know that the next stage you will be totally surplus to requirements, and won’t know anyone ever, even if your child had boarded at the school for six solid years. 🥂

Lovely bunch of mums at my sons private school. Perhaps there are gossips/bitchy types lurking, but I’ve not come across them. My sisters kids were at a state school and the clique there had to be seen to be believed.

There are so many threads on here complaining about other school mums. I don't really get it personally. I have a couple of good friends and there are a few others I can chat to, as they're the mums of my DDs' friends. Other than that, I don't worry about it. I just take my DDs to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon.

Although I concede that the mums the OP is talking about do sound unpleasant. But I'm sure they're not all like that.

And how lovely that this private education system will replicate the superiority, manners and sense of entitlement of the parents.

Unfortunately most school mums esp PTA are absolute vacuous horrors
They enact gripes,are cliquey and live their vapid lives through their kids
Fortunately I work FT (commented upon) and have a life that’s not enmeshed or obsessed by school

I think you get toxic people in a group and a lot of people are sheep and so long as they aren’t in the firing line they’ll go along with it. Few people will risk losing their position to challenge a queen bee-I’ve always been disappointed how few people will stick their neck out.

My school year was very toxic and the teachers favoured the mean girls too.

Teachers don’t seem good at maintaining distance or boundaries with the alphamums