To be disappointed with the school mums

[tipsandtricks]

Supposedly “naice” area, private school (which may or may not make a difference, I don’t know) and some of the mothers are just not nice people!

They gossip, they show off, they try to manipulate the teachers (and it works with some), they do not discipline their children, they are competitive to the point of making nasty remarks to 4 year olds if they have won a prize and their child hasn’t and they flout the school rules (hair length, uniform, no fighting) because they are paying so “what are they going to do?!” 😕

I don’t know what I was expecting but this is like a group of mean girls who have had children and still think they are in the playground.

...but strangely this thread is full of bitchy comments and sniping and rudeness and it’s written by women...

Yes quite right. I have never seen a male dominated chat space that’s remotely unkind...no wait

Yes that’s your subjective perception and your experience of baby group
Conversely other people have bad experience at baby groups that’s their experience
You simply can’t dismiss an opinion you don’t agree with as perception
And this is an approach used to undermine women who discuss discrimination they have flawed perception,are touchy

If baby group cliques, and school gates drama is simply perception why are these accounts and experiences so widely reported with recurring themes. Is it a group hallucination, a group held flawed perception? Really...

Some of you are describing enriching,happy friendships that’s positive
It is not a universal description as this thread attests

This is a thread about school mums,their behaviours regard school. It isn’t a global thread about.

There is no experiential comparison between mn and school gate they are not the same medium.obviously mn is an online medium,it’s not specifically about school. School gate is a real life interaction specifically about school

I’m pointing out the irony here. People complaining women have a reputation for being bitchy and wow, look! It’s all over this thread.

“People complaining women have a reputation for being bitchy and wow, look! It’s all over this thread.”

Are you sure you’re not confusing “being bitchy” with “not agreeing with”?

There's a robust discussion going on, that if were being had by men, would not be described in those terms (bitchy).

What world are people living in, where men are the kindly, nurturing, welcoming ones, and women are the evil manipulators?

Most online trolls are angry, bitter men.

Wow what?women vociferously debating isn’t bitchy,it’s simpy expressing strongly held opinions
Can’t you see how mired in sexist language your observation is!?
It’s like when someone rocks up on a thread and dismisses it with
Bitchfest
Bitchy

I’ll say it again women strongly expressing their opinions is not bitchy

I’m not confusing being bitchy with ‘disagreeing with’ I also think men can be bitchy too and often are. Just like all private school mum’s are not awful. Women ‘vociferously debating’ can be done without the rude comments and sniping, then it becomes something else.

Yemen your 01:16 post to me
Now you'll accuse me of being bitchy and clique-y, no doubt. 😉
No I’ll simply continue to disagree with you
So don’t introduce false accusations. I have not called you bitchy.

I really despair when I see it on mn. A heated lively thread reduced to
Bitchy
Bitchfest
BOOM! Dismissal of female opinion as bitchy

I am happy to be disagreed with, and I’ll happily state my objections without calling anyone bitchy or reducing it to bitchfest

We're in agreement on that one, then.

Yes,so ease up on the bitchy and uh huh comments

If you want a friendly group I can suggest over 60s badminton. Went in error my god the friendliest welcome ever! 3 invites for coffee from one session

What world are people living in, where men are the kindly, nurturing, welcoming ones, and women are the evil manipulators?

Oh I'm not saying men are kindly and nurturing. I'm saying they'd probably be more willing to include another man in conversation...without sly looks, suspicion and judgment.

In my experience boys are way meaner than girls

Depends what you mean by "mean". Boys are more likely to strike out physically in an argument...whereas it's more subtle with girls. My dd wanted to play with some girls at school and they played a mean trick on her, pretending to play hide and seek and then disappearing so they didn't have to play with her. I think that's way more cruel.

My friend's DS has been struggling with friendships. She was heartened when he came home from school and said he'd been playing with friends today.

She asked him what they'd been playing. Oh, 'let's run away from Timmy' (not his real name). And did you all then run away from the others, she asked. No, they were just running away from me.

Boys do the exact same shit.

Yeah one of the few times I went into school was when a group of little darlings (all Male) were consistently seeking out dd1 to abuse her because of her hair. The girls in the class never mentioned it except to say how lovely it was (it’s Afro we in very non multicultural area).

Lad in dds class is slightly old mannish likes reading hates football been totally rejected by the other boys so hangs out with dd2 and her friends. So no I don’t go along with the lovely straightforward boys trope

@RomanyQueen Surrey 1994-2001, I was at juniors. I don't think my mum did it to be malicious, there were a few pushy mums in my year (like the one that wanted us to have an hr of homework each night in reception) that she refused to engage with about school work and they had a degree of show-offery (which was occasionally bull shit/inflated). She wanted to know the real score.

I don't agree with it as an act, but I can see why she started doing it based on my year group. Especially when I "clicked" in year two and people were weird about it. She stopped in year four. We had to give test scores in front of the class after that, so a lot of the competitive and info-gathering stuff stopped in the year group. I know she never checked bags in senior school. That would be really weird.

Lipstick, I thought I had answered your questions quite openly, with examples. Sorry!

Hathaway you’ve been great in responses,no complaints from me whatsoever
I was just curious about your house and you answered that fully

I think school gates should come with mental health warnings. It can be very triggering on lots of different levels, if you had issues at school, feelings of insecurity, concern about children etc etc. I have one child at private school who has s lovely class and set of parents and one whose parents are a bit more challenging. I found it super stressful but good advice given to me was don't invest yourself in school personally. Teachers respect the parents who are professionally respectful and focussed on their kids. You don't have to be all things to all people. Let these people have their night out - so what? Keep your eye on your kids, be civil and nice to all, but engage less. It's easier that way if you are finding it hard. Maybe these women work and theeefore feel the need to overcompensate. I doubt very much it's malicious in intention even if it is a bit odd.

And wide flipping berth to anyone who is openly gossiping!

The problem is that it can go on to affect your child's social life, as the clique socialise with the clique.

There is one mother at the school gates who actively seems to hate me...dirty looks all the time. If this situation was in an area of my life where my child wasn't present, I'd tell her to go fuck herself. But because it's at school, I go along with still smiling and looking breezy in her presence.

Re boys or girls being meaner... it comes from the home. They hear the parents behaving in a certain way and they copy.

formerbabe

Best way to be even though it’s teeth clenchingly galling to do it. The supposed slight done by you could be anything from their child has announced that your child hit them to your child being on a higher reading book.

Ignore.

Maybe these women work and theeefore feel the need to overcompensate at my school none of the school gate/PTA crew work.thats the problem they have the time and inclination to devote to school gate politics and PTA as they do nowt else

Out of interest do men who work feel the need to overcompensate? If so in what way do they overcompensate

ProzacGirl These working women who are over compensating, how would they manage to find the time to be at work and be prolific at the school gate?

@LipstickHandbagCoffee I don't mean they are being prolific at school gate but maybe a reason why such dinners like the OP described are being set up... I know people who do MASSIVE slightly intimidating class parties for parents but maybe they feel that's a good way of contributing if they're not around so much. Of course some people basically have too much time and creating drama at school gate is an entertaining pastime and makes them feel better about themselves - in my experience!.

I don't think dads DO care. They're much more straightforward and don't see the need to be so emotionally invested.