To be disappointed with the school mums

[tipsandtricks]

Supposedly “naice” area, private school (which may or may not make a difference, I don’t know) and some of the mothers are just not nice people!

They gossip, they show off, they try to manipulate the teachers (and it works with some), they do not discipline their children, they are competitive to the point of making nasty remarks to 4 year olds if they have won a prize and their child hasn’t and they flout the school rules (hair length, uniform, no fighting) because they are paying so “what are they going to do?!” 😕

I don’t know what I was expecting but this is like a group of mean girls who have had children and still think they are in the playground.

But, @RomanyQueen, it's very high status warbling.

Which instrument(s) do(es) your DC play?

people who are conspicuously over involved and active at the school gate, those whontake pride in participation,pta and coffee mornings and events etc

What about the 'school mums' that don't get involved in the PTA, aren't 'over-involved / active at the school gate' (would love to know how you would be 'over-involved' and/or 'active' at the school gate ), don't do the coffee mornings (probably because they work) - but have enough cop on and social nous just to chat, be friendly, and make friends with like-minded people?

I.e. the vast majority of 'school mums'.

Mitzik

I love the History and the buildings are lovely it's the warbling I can't stand, all the pomp.
She is Saxophone, Piano, vocal.

I was privately educated, and this is something my mum mentioned. It depends on your year group to an extent- my DM has more acquaintances amongst the mums from the year below than in my year. There's a very cliquey bunch from the year above me, I see lots of mum & daughter stuff with them all on SM, even as adults. They're all nice individually but really full on!

My year wasn't so pleasant- it was actually known for an odd vibe and unfriendly parents. I did screenshot DM the OP- she says you have her sympathies, she hated school gate chat on the whole for similar reasons. She got involved in school activities to try and find some like minded souls outside of my year group though (and get first dibs on the 2nd hand sale). We had not long moved to the area, she didn't work and my dad is anti social so it was up to her. She scaled it back after not finding people friendly/a few people dominant/receiving little thanks but much rudeness. I got the odd good speaking part in school plays but I had S&D lessons, so was cast for my speaking voice. The pta mummy offspring in my year were the ones who were always chosen to present flowers, meet ribbon cutters, be in school publicity stuff, win competitions or attend something on behalf of the form. Their mums were then incredibly pissed off if another child got attention based on merit.

Honestly though? There are so many school gates threads on here, I think it happens everywhere.

There are so many school gates threads on here, I think it happens everywhere
Yes I think so to,there’s enduring and recurring themes and behaviours
As per Hathaway description I recognise that too

Although of course,someone always rocks up to say they’re in the pta and it’s a lovely nurturing group of selfless folk. And they’ve never seen any inappropriate behaviour or clique so it must be made up

Sounds like my boss, @RomanyQueen. The sort of person who is very nice but intimidatingly talented when you're a ropey old hag who learned to play assorted things by ear, rather than through getting a decent education

Mitzi

Can't help but derail. Don't put yourself down, I have it from the highest authorities that playing by ear is a skill that many brilliant readers could do with having.
The ear is the most important thing in music.
Bless you, and enjoy your music making. x

Agree with Yemen, there's a lot of 'normal' mums who don't do pta, but who just rock up, chat a bit then go about their business. Surely some of it is perception rather than hard fact.

Aww, thank you, @RomanyQueen1!

Anyhow, I think we'd better let the thread get back on track...

Despite trying to be pleasant to all the school Mums, I could see them draw closer in together in their groups and mutter amongst themselves whilst all looking directly at me whenever I walked onto the playground. Their loss - I'm awesome.

Being in a school environment brings out the worst in some people, unfortunately. I don't suppose they were particularly pleasant as schoolchildren, either although the punchup between two of the wealthiest ones when one's husband had been texting the other was vaguely entertaining, as they both switched immediately to the accents of their childhood

I just opted to swan in like I owned the place, smile sweetly, say hello and then get the hell out of there before I got asked for 'just another twenty five pounds to go towards a whole class present'.

Surely some of it is perception rather than hard fact.because you cannnot accommodate it?
that cliques,pta drama,alpha mums happens
Plenty people are reporting their hard face experience with examples
It’s a widely reported phenomenon look online,in print,in media,in movies. That can’t be dismissed as solely perception

Now if it’s not your direct experience,that is ok.but that in itself doesn’t mean you get to dismiss others experiences as flawed perceptions

I do think it depends on the school year too and lots of outside influences.
We lived in the country when dc were little, I know mothers used to compare notes as there were so few children, especially in reception and year one.
I can also remember several asking what book band ds were on, it didn't bother me but I know it would bother others.
I've also known mums look in other kids bags.
I was at another school where the mums didn't speak at all, it was horrible, lots of little cliques. Eventually they welcomed you, but who'd want to be friends after being ignored.

I've also known mums look in other kids bags

What?!!

I kid you not.
Sometimes they were crafty and asked the kids themselves.
I've not known many so blaze, but a few.
The other used to be have them to play and look in bag when dc were playing.

Snooping in kids bags - Yes to read reports, see grades,teachers comments etc

DM used to do that. I thought everyone's parents snooped in bags?

Err no it’s weird and intrusive to snoop in another kids bag

that cliques,pta drama,alpha mums happens

I'm sure they do happen, but I maintain that the vast majority of 'school mums' fall into the middle road category, of neither having any interest in the PTA and being 'over-involved', nor being scarred by terrible 'school mum' experiences.

Surely most of us are socially adept enough to, as I say, simply chat, be friendly, and make friends with like-minded people.

These situations just aren't interesting enough to start threads about.

None of my school mum friends are on the PTA or the fundraising committee, or 'involved at the school gate' (still at that one). But they are a good laugh over a bottle of wine, and a God-send re sharing the load of pick-ups, helping out, emergencies, ferrying to activities, etc, etc...

Yeman

I have to agree with you. For all the bat shit crazy out there, are some wonderful parents just chatting about nothing much, organising kids diaries and kissing kids goodbye, unless they are at the uncool to kiss stage
I've some long standing friends I made through my kids, who have all long since gone their separate ways.

Yemen,if it’s all overall harmonious why is this such an enduring theme?
Is everyone over reporting?too sensitive?poor perception?misreading the signal?
Really?such an enduring theme,frequently recalled online,in print,anecdotally,tv,movies...how’s that explained

Lipstick

Both exist, sometimes a school will have more of one type than the other.
I've been to so many schools with our 3, in different areas too, I really have experienced them all.

Surely most of us are socially adept enough to, as I say, simply chat, be friendly, and make friends with like-minded people

I am but some are so weird.

One woman will often have long chats with me, then the next time I say hello to her, she stares at me like I'm an alien and blanks me.

I was a bit when she admitted it (years later) but she seemed to think it was quite prevalent- in my year it probably was, tbh or I don't think she'd have done it. Some parents definitely cared a lot and there was a competitive "I have a clever child" clique that DM wouldn't engage with as they were openly nosey and boastful. There were some very thundery faces when the 6th child entered for higher level English at KS1 SATS turned out to be me, after she caught them loudly "wondering". I think after that she started having a few covert looks in certain school bags.

I wouldn't do it, but I don't think it's any worse than some of the really brazenly nosey parents. Like people who asked where we lived, realised we had a bigger house than them and then turned their backs and stopped talking to DM. Same mums expected to get a guided tour and hung about for hours after party pick ups at the house to have a snoop, and taught their nasty little children to go through our cupboards on play dates. They probably went through my books at their own houses, at least DM never got me to do her dirty work and pry in their cupboards in return.

Where do you live that people want a tour?is a country pile,or featured in AJ
You can’t compare a straight up brazen request to sneaky snoop in a school bag
Mums teach kids to go through cupboards?lol is it soviet spy school mums

Yemen,if it’s all overall harmonious why is this such an enduring theme?
Is everyone over reporting?too sensitive?poor perception?misreading the signal?
Really?such an enduring theme,frequently recalled online,in print,anecdotally,tv,movies...how’s that explained

Presumably because women as scheming, conniving, excluding clique-y bitches is such an appealing trope. Much more appealing than that they're just regular human beings.

Funny that 'school mums' are such a bunch of old cows, but we love to while away our time on Mumsnet. Which is full of engaging, informed, often hilarious women, who will pull together and support in some really amazing ways.

Most of whom are, or once were, school mums.

Lipstick- 20 rooms so not a mansion but bigger than some. One kid made a map for parties. My feckless great uncle sold off the proper pile.

Funny you should say soviet spy, this was the daughter of the nosiest mum in school, known as the Stasi. She'd report back to mum who'd routinely creep ppl out with what she knew about them. That's how we knew her Dd was a weasel in training. They were the ones who'd ask jaw droppingly prying questions. Plus the kid in my year who was so light fingered that her embarrassed dad would frisk her and return stuff on the way out until she was about 8. Stuff you'd no idea she managed to get near! At least they were embarrassed!

I do think my mum was intrusive but she was discreet about and knowing the cohort of mums in my class, not alone... or the first. There was a definite element of sniffing out bullshit, too. In a nicer class, would she have done it? Possibly, but I don't think so.

She does at least abide by the 13th commandment. Unlike the idiot chancer mum at my boarding school, who got caught in a House Master's study at a pre parents evening House welcome drinks in yr 10. She had her hands in his markbook/pupil notes at the time. That's brazen.