To be disappointed with the school mums

[tipsandtricks]

Supposedly “naice” area, private school (which may or may not make a difference, I don’t know) and some of the mothers are just not nice people!

They gossip, they show off, they try to manipulate the teachers (and it works with some), they do not discipline their children, they are competitive to the point of making nasty remarks to 4 year olds if they have won a prize and their child hasn’t and they flout the school rules (hair length, uniform, no fighting) because they are paying so “what are they going to do?!” 😕

I don’t know what I was expecting but this is like a group of mean girls who have had children and still think they are in the playground.

DsHathaway

I'm not sure how old you are but I was wondering if it was a particular time this was happening or area.
We were in Norfolk/Suffolk border, it would have been 1995 - 2001 school years.
I don't think it was to be competitive, but to find out stuff.
Those were the days when we and the dc weren't told when SATS were happening, they didn't do heaps of testing beforehand.
So with parents evening and a report once a year there was no other info.
No Mumsnet, no internet.

Interestingly,you’ve not answered the question.bit of digression & diversion though
Lots of words,no actual meaningful content or explanation
If you genuinely think it’s an over reported phenomenon and conspiracy to misrepresent women,well that’s your opinion.
That in itself doesn’t address the enduring reporting of horrid inappropriate behaviours at school gate
do you really need the difference between mn and school gates explained
school real physical environment with real people one meets and interact with. The interaction is face to face,in real time.speech,visual and auditory interaction
mn online anonymous forum.dont meet or interact with posters in real life. No speech,or auditory interaction. The visual is the typed word on a post

So of course one can love mn,and hate school gate. They are both entirely different mediums

MN and school gate - it's still just women.

You're determined to see school mums as horrible people. Knock yourself out.

I guess I'm weirdly lucky to have met nice, normal, friendly people. Keep having a go at me for sticking up for such people if it makes you happy.

...and, uh, understanding a little why you seem to have such issues with school mums, if I'm honest.

Now you'll accuse me of being bitchy and clique-y, no doubt.

FFS this thread 🙄

No one means all school mums. The OP herself explained she meant the mums at her school, hence “school mums”.

It often just takes one. One control freak who sees an opportunity to divide and conquer, manipulate and get in with the school. Except the head hates them, the classroom teacher humours them, and the hangers on get tarred with the same “that parent” brush.

I don't think it's wealth, I think it's more about people being in some way unfulfilled. I often think happy people are the ones who are happiest for others.
The most competitive and bitchy mums at our private school generally have nothing else of substance to talk about. I don't want to generalise between working and non working parents, but it's the degree to which people feel that they are judged by how and what their children do and how they keep busy who are the worst for what you say.

No one means all school mums. The OP herself explained she meant the mums at her school, hence “school mums”.

You'd think that would be obvious, but the way people talk, they seem to throw the baby out with the bath water. 'This is why I dump and run' / 'wear headphones at drop off', 'why I never get involved with school mums'.

The implication is that they (we) are to be avoided altogether.

You get annoying / controlling / alpha / bitchy types in all environments where people (men and women) who don't know each other mix and mingle. But for some reason, 'school mums' are the worst.

Op. You need to go back to work

It’s funny is like those people that go on holiday and complain there are too many tourists you are yourselves school mums mental

Still don't get how you can generalise about a whole group of women.

“No one means all school mums.“

Well, the “have nothing to do with them” “drop and run” “arrive at the last minute” “headphones in” “most school mums are vacuous horrors” posters seem to suggest something different......

What a thread! It's amazing how emotional and determined some of you are to dislike all school mum's you interact with. I fail to believe all mum's at any school are the same whether that be nice or terrible. And some of your attitudes are proving which type of school has the most difficult parents.

Our children are privately educated, four children in four different year groups. We share drop off and pick up. Our schools are small in one group per year in prep two for senior.

My experience is the whole concept of mother's collecting and dropping off their children everyday is antiquated and in our schools just doesn't happen. Most of the parents at our school at least work, run businesses, have children who attend different schools or / and have paid help for children be that a nanny, a childminder or something between the two. Of those who do drop off and collect themselves it's carried out between the mother and father.

The school itself has a provision for breakfast and after-school care, there are after school clubs which finish at various times. Drop off ignoring breakfast club drop off is within a 30 minutes slot.

Frankly of a class of 18 for each of my children I see any one parent probably once a week at most and generally on the last day of term.

Where we do interact is at parties and WA. Parties everyone mingles together and WA group is very much 'is it non uniform day on Wednesday' or 'what were this week's spellings' and niceties around information sharing. At most a parent might announce a party !

That's the same experience ive had with all four of mine, we have one or two friends from each of the children's years and more who we can call on if we need one collected if we are caught up in traffic etc.

My advice is be polite and friendly but don't try to become big parts of each others lives. And if you are tempted to find out what result x friend had in maths resist and remember it's of no consequence to your child there is s big world out there your child will need to compete against and its very unlikely to ever be one from their class.

Some groups (in all situations, not just school parents) just seem to work and some don't. This happens in the workplace too. One place I worked at, we were a great team and there was always a great atmosphere...as people left and got replaced over time, the whole vibe changed and it was horrible. Likewise, in dc1 class, the parents seem to gel. In dc2 class, there is a horrible vibe amongst the parents...they are best friends (a bit fake) or like enemies. There is a clique and if you're not in it, its like you're frozen out...a very weird group.

Why is it only women who are accused of being 'cliquey'? Perhaps if the school run was done by predominantly dads these issues wouldn't arise

Absolutely. We all know men are kind straightforward decent chaps unlike those wily bitchy school mums

Why is it only women who are accused of being 'cliquey'?

Ok, let's imagine baby groups were full of dads. A big group of men are sitting round with their babies. A new dad walks in. He doesn't know anyone and is feeling shy. Pretty sure, the guys would say hello and include him. Some mums would too, but more often than not, there's suspicious looks and freezing out of the newcomer. These boards are full of women talking about this.

Because the trope of women being bitchy and cliquey and “queen bee” ish is deeply rooted in our society. Because people love to disparage women. Men do it because they like to keep the ascendancy. Women do it because internalised misogyny means they have to boost themselves by putting other women down. “Women’s activities” are always seen as inferior, so distancing yourself from them is a way of showing yourself to be above such trivia. ‘‘Twas ever this.

The friendship stuff starts early. If my ds goes to the park and sees a group of boys playing football, even if he doesn't know them, he'll go over and ask if he can join in. Not once has his request been refused.

So much of it is perception. Ive walked in on many baby groups in my time. I don't see 'suspicion' and 'freezing out' - I see a bunch of normal people who don't know me, possibly with their own insecurities and hang-ups. I just smile and get on with it. I see the world as a generally friendly place.

@formerbabe if you're honestly suggesting boys are never cruel to other boys, nor to girls, you have zero credibility in this discussion.

I'm not suggesting that but I am saying they are often more inclusive in allowing new friends into their groups.

I actually dislike this gender stereotyping with regard to friendships but I have a boy and girl and the differences are quite clear to see.

It’s such a damaging stereotype- boys are straightforward, girls are bitchy and manipultive

It’s such a damaging stereotype- boys are straightforward, girls are bitchy and manipultive

I agree in theory. In practice, sadly, I already see my dd coming home from school telling me about endless friendship dramas and fallings out. My ds is older and I've never had to deal with this previously.

I also have one of each, and they're both lucky enough to be part of easy, friendly (single sex) groups (I'm really starting to see a pattern here, by the way).

That doesn't mean I can extrapolate anything about the way boys and girls / men and women operate.

It's incredible that people on this thread are so disparaging about 'school mums' while wholly excluding themselves from the group, and then getting annoyed and put out when others say, 'but I'm not like that either, and nor are any of my friends who are school mums'.

In my experience boys are way meaner than girls. But that’s just anecdote agree with Yemen it’s not a gender thing but personality