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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

466 replies

Playtive · 31/03/2019 00:32

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

OP posts:
cranstonmanor · 31/03/2019 12:35

I don't have a Hollywoid type of love. I'd never want to leave DH though. We both let each other do their own thing, have mostly the same opinions on stuff and try to care for the other one a bit. We don't control each other in any way or ask permission for anything. We nake decisions together. He is my best friend and the sweetest husband. I feel lucky and am very happy with him but it's not Hollywood, no. No flowers, no candle lit dinners and evening strolls. It's watching the egg heads on tv and petting the cat while trying not to think of the chocolates in the cupboard.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 31/03/2019 12:42

I can't relate to the sentiment personally, because until the day he died, DH and i were deeply in love and I always knew that, even when we argued. But I do know from friends and family that our relationship was not as common as you would think, and I was very fortunate.

I have been in a relationship since I was 17 and now is the first time of being on my own, I know I will never have another relationship because personally it would feel like betraying DH's memory, so am trying to adjust to living as a single woman. I hope it is possible to live happily alone.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 31/03/2019 12:48

No, calling any one sex “obsolete” is horrible. As it would be for a man to call women obsolete. And either would really have to go out of their way to remove all trace from their lives, to the detriment of those close to them.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 12:50

And either would really have to go out of their way to remove all trace from their lives, to the detriment of those close to them

Confused

It’s really terribly easy not to have a relationship without having to “remove all trace” of the opposite sex from one’s life.

speakout · 31/03/2019 13:07

No, calling any one sex “obsolete” is horrible. As it would be for a man to call women obsolete.
I agree.

I have an adult male son.

I hope he never has to encounter anyone who classes him as obsolete.

I have had several long term relationships with some truly wonderful men.

CarolDanvers · 31/03/2019 13:08

I hope he never has to encounter anyone who classes him as obsolete.

Why? What might happen?

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 13:09

I hope he never has to encounter anyone who classes him as obsolete

So a woman meets him and thinks him “obsolete” as a partner - what’s the issue?

SelkieRinnNaMara · 31/03/2019 13:14

Yeh, men are hardly obsolete. They are still the default. Still in power. Still privileged. Still earning more, I could go on. Women are niche. So men don't need to worry about a few women out there forming the conclusion that relationships with men are an obsolete decision/outcome.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 31/03/2019 13:32

I have no issue with women, niche as we are Hmm, choosing not to have sexual relationships with men, their choice. I do have a problem with anyone describing one sex as “obsolete”. Are they dismissing men as a whole, or in entirely based on sexual relationships? If you are ready to dismiss an entire sex as obsolete because you have no desire or need for them any more on a purely sexual basis then you have a very inflated view of your own sexual needs.

Userisi · 31/03/2019 13:39

I always wonder how many of the women who disregard the male sex have sons. Either they're ignorant enough to think their sons are special and different, or more worryingly, will raise them to believe they are destined to be dicks.

Rainsunshine · 31/03/2019 13:44

Absolutely not the case here, my partner of 14 years is just amazing, we’ve built an incredible life and family together and I could wish for a better husband and father to my children. We are both still as in love as the day we met, we both also still do things independently and have our own jobs and income.

I’m sorry you wasted many years of your life and brought children into the world with someone who was clearly not fit for the job Flowers

AmyFl · 31/03/2019 13:46

There's an assumption that "being in a relationship" means sex and "being single" means no sex. That's not the case, there's actually a spectrum, so even though I am not in a relationship, I still have regular sex with a man. It gets tricky when people assume that because I'm single, that I don't have sex, and must lead some sort of sad life. I still don't know how to deal with these assumptions. I'm seen as asexual, when actually I have lots of passionate shagging, it feels like I'm lying to those around me, but how can I tell others that this is how I live my life and that they don't need to feel sorry for me.

origamiunicorn · 31/03/2019 13:46

@userisi I always wonder how many of the women who disregard the male sex have sons. Either they're ignorant enough to think their sons are special and different, or more worryingly, will raise them to believe they are destined to be dicks.

Took the words out of my mouth.

Let's not lump all men in together as obsolete just because you haven't found a good match in a relationship shall we.

ABadlyShavedYeti · 31/03/2019 13:50

I totally agree with you OP, especially this bit It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Been with DP 20 years, if we split up I would never live with anyone again. Sadly I can’t see us lasting the rest of this year.

JonestheMail · 31/03/2019 13:53

Being "in love" is absolutely a societal construct designed to keep women in servitude. It's so much easier to keep a group suppressed if you get them to buy into the ideology so they suppress themselves.

keepingbees · 31/03/2019 13:57

There is a difference between romance and love. The brightly packaged hearts and flowers stuff is romance. Its a marketing and money making thing. Like Christmas, Easter, valentines etc. It is what it is. It doesn't represent love.
Love is friendship, trust, respect, and so many different things built over time.
Sometimes it lasts sometimes it doesn't. Relationships aren't always sour after a few years. I'm still happy with my DH of 11 years and I still want him.

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 31/03/2019 13:59

I love my family but if something happened to separate my husband and I, I would NEVER marry again.

Yes, I am inclined to agree with this^^ tbh. I love my husband a lot, in every way I’d imagined I would love a husband and we’ve been together for 15 years.

But, would I want to find love again if we ever separated for whatever reason? No, I really don’t think I would.

We’ve got two dcs to think about and I’d still be emotionally tied to dh in some ways, even if we were divorced or if he was dead. I don’t think I’d have anything left for a new partner.

Maybe if our dcs were grown up and settled with partners etc, I’d want a companion of some kind, but I don’t know about falling in ‘love’ etc.

That said, I wouldn’t wish away falling in love with dh in the first place. So on balance, I think yabu.

Boysey45 · 31/03/2019 14:00

@AmyFl Just tell people you have a fuck buddy/buddies or that you are very casually seeing someone, but its not a relationship.

MissFitton · 31/03/2019 14:01

I'm very pleased to come back to this thread and see other posters challenging the notion that 'single = nothing to be proud of.' I still think it's a shame that in this day and age singleness still has to be defended and is largely viewed with a mix of pity and suspicion.

I often get to travel and I still get the response of "what? on your own?"

Hmm
AmyFl · 31/03/2019 14:04

Thanks Boysey. I think I will say I'm casually seeing someone, do you think it would look bad at work though, I'm worried they might think that I'm a bit weird for living my life like this.

Userisi · 31/03/2019 14:05

@Megs4x3 just read your post and agree 100% I've said it many times, there's such a trend these days to have children on a pedestal at the centre of everything and I really don't think it's healthy for a marriage, or an individual.

Boysey45 · 31/03/2019 14:11

No I don't think anyone is that interested really in other peoples lives.Also who cares what they think?

AmyFl · 31/03/2019 14:12

Thank you Boysey. You're right, I need to care less what they think.

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 31/03/2019 14:13

No I don't think anyone is that interested really in other peoples lives.Also who cares what they think?

Well, amy does care what they think doesn’t she? She said she doesn’t want them to think she’s ‘asexual’ or has a ‘sad life’ because they think she doesn’t have sex. She’d rather they knew she did.

Just say you’re seeing someone and have been for years, but it’s not a serious relationship. That’s ‘clean’ enough for work imo, but makes your point.

AmyFl · 31/03/2019 14:15

Thank you too AndOf

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