To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

[Playtive]

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

Hate the feeling of being smothered/having to do/be what someone else wants.

This is not what it feels like in a healthy and respectful relationship.

I think loving and living together take practice. Society makes us feel a failure when it doesn’t work out. I felt terribly sad for us all when my relationship broke down. However if functional relationships have not been modelled, you only have one way to learn.

My current partner and I, I believe have brought much useful experience within our baggage to our relationship. We accept each other, don’t expect each other to be different, and therefore feel relaxed and accepted.

That’s why I find grumpy mares comment I quoted so telling.

Thanks to you long termers elucidating on working through harder times and experiencing deeper love.

It’s not always easy, and I’m not sure I know anyone IRL who seems to have a relationship that does not require work. But for me, it is worth it, because life is more fulfilling together.

@SelkieRinnNaMara

I was single until I was in my thirties (I was 33 when I got married), so I managed to do a lot of things which I wouldn't have done if I'd married young. Maybe I'd feel differently now if I'd been 10 years younger when I met my DH.

I agree with the OP but not quite as vehemently. More like, it's bollocks to a certain degree. For a lucky few, it works out and they truly love each other.

Personally, I try to find happiness from myself - no one is responsible for my own happiness but myself. I might find that from my kids, my hobbies or my friends. Once the kids have left, I am definitely going to get at least one dog.

I am going out with someone and he wants to marry but I don't want to marry or even to live with him or with anyone (sometimes I wish my kids' school day was a few hours longer 🤣).

I don't need to live with another man unless they were properly trained or came with a maid, in fact, their own section of a mansion. I see my partner once a week and that's enough for me. Admittedly he isn't a good fit (though he thinks we are) but I don't want a better relationship enough to go out and go through all the bollocks of looking again.

6 years of single life, dating and watching my ex cocklodge with one woman after another I do wonder why any woman would bother tbh.

I think that feels true when you've been in a relationship for a long time but to posters like @ferrovairio who explain the process of growth together very well, what might not be so obvious is that after a long time being single, you 'grow' and don't need a companion. I completely understand that even if we are no longer lonely in our own company and if we have grown accustomed to feeling so comfortable in our own company that we never feel lonely, we can still feel that we would like a witness to our lives and even as recently as 3 years ago I still at times felt vulnerable to that desire to have a witness to my life. But I think philosophy got me across that line. We are all alone and being with a partner is kind of HIDING from that reality! Luckily now I have overcome it. Not easy. Doesn't happen the minute you get divorced. It's a process all right.

Some couples grow together and that is the ideal marriage but I personally don't believe it can leave space for all the growth that is possible as a single person.

@WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue

"Choosing to be alone is not something to be proud of"

Genuine question, why?

I choose to be alone and have a DC alone, I've never been more content in my life.

All relationships I've had bought me misery and hurt.

I am proud I have made a life for myself alone, I am financially stable, career, friends and supportive family.

@Comedyobject totally agree with you

Can't quite fathom PP "Choosing to be alone is not something to be proud of"

I'm extremely proud of the life I've made for me and DC ALONE

I don’t think I’ve ever watched a Hollywood romance so not sure what exactly what expectation they set.

However, after 20 years together, I can honestly say I love my husband very much and my relationship with him has positively impacted every single area of my life. My relationship with my family is better because of him, I’ve progressed hugely in my career thanks to his support, I’ve discovered new authors and musicians thanks to combining bookshelves when we first moved on together. I’ve learned so much from him- I’m now more tolerant, and also better at saying what’s on my mind.

I get butterflies in my stomach when I hear his key in the door because I love seeing him so much.

I’m sorry for whatever experiences you’ve had that have made you so bitter, OP, but I don’t agree with you at all.

A woman doesn’t need a man to be happy, but, when you have one who loves and supports you, it really can add so much.

''"Choosing to be alone is not something to be proud of"

There's a lot of fear in that comment. You can't reason with somebody who feels that much fear.

Wow. Just imagining the uproar on here if someone said that women are obsolete

Why do people say this ^^ sort of crap on Mumsnet? It’s apples and oranges, we are not the same and you cannot compare. Go and read the feminist board and find out!

It’s a lazy thing to post!

I don't know what it's like to date a man but I all 100% in love with my DP and think it's better than any bs Hollywood film.

I don't know if it's because we are two women or because some people just don't find their special someone and settle instead.

or because some people just don't find their special someone and settle instead

Or there’s a third option, we’re just not interested?

There isn’t some “special someone” out there waiting for me. Or if there is he’s going to be sadly disappointed because it’s not happening

I haven’t settled for singledom. I chose it.

I was responding to OP and she sounded like she used to be interested in a special someone and that bad experiences have affected her, rather than a just not being interested @JacquesHammer

Interesting post selkie.

I certainly see that people who have been single very little can seem stunted in their personal development. I have a friend like this who is deeply unhappy most aspects of her life, but is too scared to be alone. But she is an exception.

And indeed there are areas of my life which have suffered from lack of focus over the last 15 years.

I get you OP. I've name changed for this reply but I'm on my second marriage. Do I love him? I actually don't know. I don't get all fluttery. He's a good man but he isn't my soul mate if that's what's being 'sold' to us. I probably shouldn't have married him but going back to your original point ...... I have a mother who is sooooooooo traditional and a total man pleaser, that I can see now with the benefit of hindsight, I was sold the idea of 'having to be in a relationship' from her rather than from Hollywood.

The constant drip feeding throughout my formative years cannot have at least some influence. I could say that I made my own decisions and no-one was responsible for them but me, however looking back I can see how influenced I was by her. She still tries to pigeon hole me.

Knowing myself more completely now, I actually don't think I'm suited to being in a relationship. I like my own space, I like doing my own thing. My DH doesn't provide that much added value to my emotional well being. When he goes away on business I really don't miss him. Now that the kids are older I am hoping we can grow together in our mutual interests.

I've made bad choices. My fault. Should I ever find myself single again then there is no way I'm breaking in another. I've never felt that loved in any of my relationships. Maybe I have an unrealistic view of what that is (because of the Hollywood shit) but I really feel more happy and free on my own than with another be it man or woman.

I can see why you're saying this, you sound like you've been hurt and have become jaded.

I don't care how this sounds, my DP is my world, we are a team and have separate friends and aren't attached at the hip but do lots together.

I don't feel like the majority of these comments so feel very lucky in that respect. I hope I don't ever feel like that.

I do think it's worth noting that ime many of the couples who were joined at the hip when the dc were small have separated. Whereas those who have had more independent mutual lives have thrived better. DH didn't need to attend every parents' evening (was working) because he trusted me to deal with them and share.

I have done stuff that caused much negative comment: driving to the South of France alone because he got called away, test driving and buying a family car alone, but oth dh has never minded me doing stuff for me nor I him.

I noticed the Op in her 1 post states she has DC, doesn’t elaborate on if these are DS’s, DD’s, or a mix. Hopefully they are all DDs who grow up to lesbians, so the OP won’t have to cope with any “obsolete” men coming into their life.

Hopefully they are all DDs who grow up to lesbians, so the OP won’t have to cope with any “obsolete” men coming into their life

Why? Men are mainly obsolete for me apart from physically. I would support my DD in any path of life she chooses. However from me she sees that she doesn’t need a relationship to be happy, that she has many life choices open to her. That’s not a negative.

sinister what an awful post and on more than one level.

I had another thought on this - My father loved me, I know he did. It was never in dispute. He gave me some very sound advice when I married though. He said that the didn't agree with the growing trend - this was the early 70's - to put children at the centre of a parent's existence. He told me - never forget that your children will grow up and leave home. They are part of a hopefully long life for you, not it's sole purpose It's your job to be their parent and not necessarily your friend. They will go on and live lives independent of you and you won't always like what they choose to do with those lives but there comes a point when it is none of your business, even though you will love worry and fret over them until the day you die. Your spouse on the other hand you have made a commitment to live your life with on a daily basis until the day one of you dies. Don't be strangers when your children are stop taking all your attention. Your marriage starts being just the two of you and it will end being just the two of you. Your spouse should be the friend you spend your life with.

He was very wise and so very right about so many things.

Alternatively you can have a partner who pushes you to achieve more for yourself. My husband has suggested I try things and push forward with things that I may have hesitated about otherwise. I do the same for him. As a result we've both grown in the years we've been together. Both as a couple and individually. I don't think personal growth is limited by a partner I think it just depends on the person/people.

Agree OP. I am single. I have friends who are dating and it’s just so appalling. Weird sex obsessed men who are indignant if it’s not offered up on date one. Men who are not intelligent, attractive or interesting. And my poor friends are still out there - looking for the one. We are in our 50s.

I just thank god I have the DCs and a loving family. I don’t need to add romantic love to my life. I feel very fortunate.

If I had a partner, my life would be easier in a few ways because I could share the physical load. And that is the biggest burden I carry. But in return I’d have to share my time, my bed, the remote control . And I think the impact of imposing a new partner on children is underestimated.

So I’ll stick with my life as a single woman and thank god I live in a country where I can be a mum and work and have financial independence without a man. A PP mentioned women in developing countries and the extent to which they are enslaved by the need to have a man. We are so lucky in comparison.

Romanic love is such a western construct.

@megs4x3
He said that the didn't agree with the growing trend - this was the early 70's - to put children at the centre of a parent's existence. He told me - never forget that your children will grow up and leave home. They are part of a hopefully long life for you, not it's sole purpose It's your job to be their parent and not necessarily your friend. They will go on and live lives independent of you and you won't always like what they choose to do with those lives but there comes a point when it is none of your business, even though you will love worry and fret over them until the day you die. Your spouse on the other hand you have made a commitment to live your life with on a daily basis until the day one of you dies. Don't be strangers when your children are stop taking all your attention. Your marriage starts being just the two of you and it will end being just the two of you. Your spouse should be the friend you spend your life with.

I agree with this so much.