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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

466 replies

Playtive · 31/03/2019 00:32

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

OP posts:
sugartitz · 31/03/2019 14:22

Nope, not in my experience. First boyfriend, still together 17 years later, expecting Forth baby together, and probably happier than we've ever been.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 14:22

Let's not lump all men in together as obsolete just because you haven't found a good match in a relationship shall we

And let’s not patronise women who choose to be single with the suggestion that it’s only because they haven’t “found a good match” shall we?

maddiemookins16mum · 31/03/2019 14:23

Yes you abu actually.

Babygrey7 · 31/03/2019 14:37

When I was young (in the 80s) the popular theory was that you have to be happy to be single, to be able to be happy in a relationship.

I took that very much to heart, was always happy to be single, but then also happy with DH. we still have our own life, interests and friends though. We do trips together, or on our own with different friends. (We only seen to have a few "couple friends")

I think it's key not to lose yourself completely in a relationship.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 31/03/2019 14:41

Op - @Playtive - I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around.

You're a dysfunctional role model - I hope you haven't got male children because with that attitude you must really make them feel devalued and worthless.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 14:42

You're a dysfunctional role model

Nonsense

DeadWife · 31/03/2019 15:00

Not wanting another man in your life does not = misandry. I love my DS and DF very much. I like men a great deal. I just don't want another one in my house really.

origamiunicorn · 31/03/2019 15:09

Being "in love" is absolutely a societal construct designed to keep women in servitude. It's so much easier to keep a group suppressed if you get them to buy into the ideology so they suppress themselves.

How sad that you feel this way. This may be your perception but it's really very far from the truth.

origamiunicorn · 31/03/2019 15:13

*Let's not lump all men in together as obsolete just because you haven't found a good match in a relationship shall we

And let’s not patronise women who choose to be single with the suggestion that it’s only because they haven’t “found a good match” shall we?*

Paha. Parroting language is never a good counter argument. Not about women who choose to be single is it. It's about the people spouting rubbish because they are jaded and/or bitter, single or in a relationship.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 15:14

It's about the people spouting rubbish because they are jaded and/or bitter, single or in a relationship

How arrogant. Just because it isn’t your opinion, doesn’t make it “rubbish”. Unless you hold the thought that YOU are always right...?

Mominatrix · 31/03/2019 15:16

Pot. Kettle. Black.

TemporaryPermanent · 31/03/2019 15:21

It's funny, in the last years of my marriage with DH I couldn't have imagined being with another man. It seemed likely he might die before me, he was so ill, and much as we loved each other the sheer grind of dealing with the illness wore out some of the comfort of daily life together, it was very restricting for us both.

And then he was gone... and I was right, I loved and still love living just with my dc, it is very healing. I grieve, but there is comfort in never living with that illness again. I sleep so deeply sleeping alone.

But I found almost from the first that my sex drive rose exponentially and I just can't do without men in a sexual sense. No more kids, no more cohabiting for me, at least for a very long time - I am coming to see that one day I may want to again, I'll say 2029? - but the touch and feel of a (willing) male human is something I can barely live without.

Holidaylover · 31/03/2019 15:23

I kind of agree. Been with hubby a long time and it's certainly not always a walk in the park but there is love there.
If he suddenly passed away now (I'm in my 30s) I 100% would not marry or live with another man again. I'm not saying I wouldn't have another relationship but he'd have to live in a different house!

origamiunicorn · 31/03/2019 15:24

How arrogant. Just because it isn’t your opinion, doesn’t make it “rubbish”. Unless you hold the thought that YOU are always right...?

Men aren't redundant, that's a fact. Just because you don't believe it, doesn't make it less true. You're entitled to your opinion but it's only that.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 15:26

For me it isn’t about one’s own set of beliefs.

Do I think people who believe in the concept of love and soul mates and that relationships are desirable are wrong? Definitely not.

I do wonder though why so many people in relationships feel qualified to tell people who aren’t that THEIR choices are wrong.

As a society we should be trying to move away from the concept that societal norms are correct and acknowledge that all actively made choices are valid.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 15:27

Men aren't redundant, that's a fact. Just because you don't believe it, doesn't make it less true. You're entitled to your opinion but it's only that

And you’re opinion they’re not redundant is only that, that’s my point Smile

For you they’re not redundant - great. For me, apart from purely physically - they are. Also good.

Both opinion.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 31/03/2019 15:27

Exactly @deadwife, you can like men, or be ambivalent about whether or not one sex is inherently better than the other but the point about a relationship is the proximity. You have to choose one, and invest in to that choice and have them in your house (usually). Saying ''no, that's too much when I'm happy already'' is hardly misandry! Fgs.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 31/03/2019 15:31

@jacqueshammer

''I do wonder though why so many people in relationships feel qualified to tell people who aren’t that THEIR choices are wrong.''

I think it's suppressing the thoughts that they might have reached more potential on their own. Scary to contemplate that. One person who did describe growth together v well said that they were encouraged to do things by their husband and that is a supportive relationship, the ideal relationship, but in an ideal situation the single person will grow to see what's best for them and feel brave enough to do it on their own. I think it's better to reach a conclusion on your own that you're ready and capable of a new challenge than to need to be encouraged in to it by a partner. A partner encouraging you isn't 'bad'' per se though obviously.

origamiunicorn · 31/03/2019 15:36

@jacqueshammer We'll agree to disagree. ☺️

Thisnamechanger · 31/03/2019 15:38

Men are obsolete

Mine isn't Grin

fotheringhay · 31/03/2019 16:06

My man obsoleted himself by leaving us and paying no maintenance, so I'd say he was pre-obsolete all along Grin

I'll keep looking for a good man, I haven't given up, but I'm seeing relationships very differently now

OhamIreally · 31/03/2019 16:19

Interesting that many women are happy in their relationships but would not seek out another.

I have pondered the benefits of having another partner. At the moment I do 100% of the work in my household. If I had a partner and they did 50% of the work would that reduce my workload or would they just be pulling their own weight? In reality I reckon the division of household labour would be more like 65-35 at best so I'd be taking on at least 15% more physical (not to mention emotional) labour. I'm just not prepared to pull someone else's weight in life.

I know that all sounds a bit sterile and calculated and there are advantages to having a good loving partner but I don't consider they outweigh the disadvantages at this stage in my life.

IckyTummy · 31/03/2019 16:20

Been with DH for 7 years and it's been great. No, it's not "exciting", but sharing even the most boring and mundane bits of my life with my best friend is much better than not being with him at all.

Userisi · 31/03/2019 16:24

@OhamIreally I see what you're saying, and what you says shows the flaws in finding a partner for a partner's sake, but I think it's about finding someone you want to share your life with, spend time with. I imagine that's hard to actively look for and in most cases just needs to happen naturally. Then the next test is whether they're a good practical partner!!

ScrewyMcScrewup · 31/03/2019 16:32

I don't enjoy being in a relationship. Every so often I give it a go - because of the pervasive message that it's how we SHOULD live - and quickly regret it.

The only benefit I see is financial, and I'd rather live frugally than live with a man.

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