To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

[Playtive]

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

Completely agree with trancepants

What strikes me too is how our responses on here are largely influenced by the stage of life we're at.

Right now, I'm divorced and very sad and cynical about lasting love. But ask me 3 years ago and I'd say 'we've been together 15 years and the love is deeper than ever'.

Also, please be kind to those who fell for the fairytale - it's often children who were unloved that needed to believe in it more, don't kick them when they're down by blaming them for falling for it

I haven't read the comments but I agree that ''love'' is a trick of nature. It's a delusion. It's a million things, loneliness, convention, companionship, teamwork, fitting in to how society is structured, avoiding a relationship with oneself, habit, ....... but love .............. hmm, why do less attractive people not find anybody. Why do older men not want to date lovely women their own age? They'd rather chase excitement/rejection.

I am happily married and have children. Dh has a life limiting condition so it is highly likely that I will be widowed in early retirement at best. I won't marry again or even seek a relationship. Its just not worth it or appealing.

You haven’t achieved anything by being alone so there’s nothing to be proud of.

Ah, I see. The ‘smug married’ has spoken. You only have any value if you’ve managed to snare a man. No other achievement in your life counts for anything. How very sad that in the 21st century there are still some people that think like this. ☹️

Only someone who's never experienced the responsibilities of adult life and children as a single person could say there's nothing to be proud of in achieving them independently.

It's not just the physical work of doing everything I yourself but the emotional support you get from being able to share the decisions.

Plus, you are treated very differently by society at large as a single woman and quite often seen as a easily exploited.

You have to learn to show them how wrong they are.

Choosing to be alone is not something to be proud of confused

What a condescending attitude!
Um, why? If you choose to be alone, as in not have a romantic relationship with another adult, and you are happy with that why on earth would you not be proud of a decision that's brought you happiness, that you're content with and have no issues with?
If you're not alone, and have made a decision to have a partner, by your logic that's also nothing to be proud of either. Because it's personal preference in how you live your life.
Being in a relationship doesn't define someone does it? You're more than the relationship, as a person, you may be proud of the relationship you've nurtured and fostered, there's no issues with that. So why should not being in a relationship define someone? I'm proud of the friendships I've nurtured and fostered over the years. I'm proud of my life as it is. I'm not closed to the idea of a romantic relationship with someone, but I'm certainly not ashamed that I don't have one, through choice.

and even after the age of being fertile, in evolutionary terms it's still a safety issue. A mini team with easier access therefore (due to their convention) to the tribe. A couple? ah, we understand that! come along.

Various randomers who haven't had so much as a date in 10 years? or fat women who dare to turn men down? hmm suspicious and threatening to the group.

Agree Alexa like something from an Austen novel.

mydogisthebest, I am the opposite of you. My dm told me that having children was all hard work, terribly boring and you sacrificed everything you'd ever wanted. Consequently, I had mine late, and to my surprise, found that while the above things are true, they are massively counter-balanced by the sheer joy and love I feel for them and that I get from them. Maybe I've been lucky with my dc so far, but I have also tried very, very hard to always be kind, to be approachable, and to be on their side. When my eldest was born, I honestly realised that every love song that was ever written was, for me, about her.

Dh on the other hand, is another matter. I love him, as one would having spent nigh on 20 years with someone, but I can do without him. The Hollywood tale of the handsome prince rescuing the poor little princess can only lead to disappointment for the majority of women who find they are more capable at rescue than many men.

I think it's all subjective. How you feel about your partner and/or your children is very much individual.

@fother i am so sorry if my post came across kicking those who fell for the fairytale. That is not at all what i meant to do. And i recognise what you say about childhoods. I spent my teens and early 20s waiting for a white knight too. And my first boyfriends... O gawd! A lot of their behaviour fell in line w holywood romance (jealousy, possessiveness, opening doors for me, placing hands protectively on my back) and a lot fell in line with the beginnings of abuse (affairs, gaslighting, and even once the very start of violence). When i met my husband it was like a breath of fresh air. He didnt woo me. Didnt put me on a pedestal and he has never abused me. My friends all thought our relationship was dull as it didnt have the ups and downs (and we were young - 23). I saw it and see it as respectful. And ps, i know i could quite easily have married one of my exes. Quite easily. No judgment here.

Yeh, I have a bf atm but I think that choosing to be alone is brave and therefore it is something to be proud of. i'm with somebody atm but it obviously succumbing to convention in many ways.

Yeah, despite me loving my DH, and despite all that I’ve just said a few posts up, if I ended up single now then I wouldn’t want anyone else. I’d be totally happy on my own. Can’t be doing with all the palaver of dolling myself up to go on dates and going through too many frogs to try and find an ageing prince. Too much like hard work, and I like my own company anyway.

But then I was like that when we met. Thought I’d be one of life’s happy singles. Maybe that makes a difference in how successful a marriage/partnership is? That you’re not actively LOOKING when you happen to get together. Maybe true love is just serendipitous.

Oh crikey that's dark for a Sunday! My DH is my life partner, best friend, it's having someone to share my life with. Children live with us what 20 years (she said hopefully ha) but hopefully he is for life as they say. I'd like to think if we did split up that I wouldn't regret sharing the part of my life I have thus far as he's made me very happy, but I understand if a relationship ends because of deceit it can tarnish the life you had before.

@curly. Yup. Total agreement. Though cant claim i had that wisdom pre oh.

And doing it alone. Yes PLEASE do be proud of this. Bloody hell its hard. Life with kids on own is hard. And im seeing it with my mom who lost her husband (and i lost the greatest step father in the world). The loneliness is hard too. You can manage that and are happy. Yes. Be proud. You are not using someone else to fill a void? Yes be proud.

Feeling sad for voluntarily and happily single is in the same shitty zone as feeling sad for childless by choice. So stick your 'feeling sorry' up your backside, if you will.

I am totally with you you OP. I'd rather stick toothpicks into my eyes than get anywhere near a man again. I'm 8 months out of 12 year marriage and couldn't be happier. Romantic love is a myth. It lasts for 5 minutes and then poof! Demands, expectations, constant compromise, usually one-sided too...

It is my experience that makes me so cynical, I know, but I won't be fooled again.

Along with a lot of women who’ve posted, I’m already in a long and fairly happy marriage.
But if something was to happen to DH, I would not be living with anyone else ever again.
I think your idea of Love changes as you grow older, and while I was totally hooked in by the idea of Romantic love in my early 20’s, I can’t think of anything worse now.
The thought of having to pair up with someone else, compromise again, having to pass something by a significant other, having to deal with someone else’s family or mess makes me feel tired. I’d rather concentrate on my own desires, needs and life.
I read on here once that relationships ‘promise a fairytale and deliver drudgery’ and I think for a lot of women that does hold true.

@Penny on the promise and the reality if drudgery. Totally agree. And the thing is, even the good ones (and i count my oh and stepfather among them) have to reminded occasionally. That its not fair that i do all the cooking and cleaning and organising and meal planning. Because i really do think society is set up to make this womans work. And therefore its easy to accept it as womans work (from pnt of view of men and women). The difference between a good man and a bad one in this is that once you say to a good one, this is not fair, the good one agrees and chips in. The bad one will gaslight about nagging women.

I think love, as portrayed by a lot of media, is bollox and that a lot of social pressures to couple up and remain that way don't really do most people any favours.

At the same time, I think love and connections are important for well-being, humans are a social species, and while there are many different kinds of love and connections, the ones with a male partner can be worthwhile and much better than the standards that are and have been common for those kinds of relationships. I don't think they're somehow more important or better than other kinds, but I think it's an option that can be amazing just as it can be disastrous.

I think whether people want to take the possible risks for the potential benefits is up to them and anyone should be proud of non-destructive ways of getting through the lows and highs of life. Just like some have great relationship with their parents and get so much support and joy from that throughout much of their adult lives and others of us never have that and find great peace and pride in life having become and lived independently without our parents or parental help, I think the true of people in terms of partnering up.

I'm happily single so yes, I agree to a certain extent. Some women need a partner to feel complete but I'm not one of them.

It's not that we need a man to feel complete. It's more the case that a happy relationship enriches our lives. DH and I will be celebrating our 16th anniversary on Friday. It's not about romantic love anymore (it's hard to feel romantic when you have 2 adopted DDs of 10 and 7, one with very complex needs.

Iwearpurple, I don't have children but have so many friends and neighbours who say if they could go back in time they would choose not to have children.

I see the worry and distress they cause. The terrible sleep deprivation, the health problems they can cause to a women's body. The change they can bring to a previously happy relationship.

Lots of my friends have children, almost all of them divorced, most of them saying that having children destroyed their marriage.

I think when children are young you can think the good outweighs the bad but as they get older things, sadly, often get worse.

Friends with teenage children and friends with grown up children seem to often have the most problems. Even ones with grandchildren are having problems not only with their own children but also the grandchildren.

Me and DH are so glad every day that we chose not have children

Posted too soon, because of the two DDs came in with Mother's Day gifts and distracted me!

It's more the case that my DH is my best friend. (There is still romantic love at times, but not all the time!)

I think that it puts too much pressure on your partner if you expect them to make you feel complete.

Going back to living against a societal norm, the issue isn’t with people doing things a different way. It’s assuming you have the right to suggest to other people they’re doing it wrong.

“Oh you just haven’t met the right man yet”
“Never say never”
“Stop looking and it will happen”
“It will happen when you least expect it”
“Don’t worry there are good men out there”

Tiresome and very presumptive.

I've never needed a partner to feel complete but life without my DH wouldn't be nearly as nice.

I agree @jacqueshammer, very tiresome indeed.

@lizzie48 and I can see that the presence of a trusted companion does enrich your life in some ways but I would point out that it is bound to limit other areas of growth or enlightenment. It might be worth it but I think being coupled for your entire adult life is not 100% ''ideal''. The are costs to your growth, development, bravery, direction, enlightenment........ all of that is curtailed to a degree when you're in a relationship. We all die alone so a partner is a distraction.