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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

466 replies

Playtive · 31/03/2019 00:32

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

OP posts:
NannyRed · 01/04/2019 18:04

That’s sad. My dh and I are in our late 50s , been together very nearly ten years and still very much in love. I guess I appreciate him as he is nice, funny, clever, gentle, generous, thoughtful and the exact opposite of the first husband.
He appreciates me because his first wife died very young and he was left to raise two children alone.
We’re all different. Enjoy your single life, but don’t resent us happily married folk the joy that is a happy marriage.

JacquesHammer · 01/04/2019 18:09

Enjoy your single life, but don’t resent us happily married folk the joy that is a happy marriage

Who has done that Confused

puppy23 · 01/04/2019 18:20

I'm young but feel the same. I'd love a big fancy wedding day but I don't think I want to get married and I just can't see myself settling down. I know I'm of the age where I should be out looking to find someone but I just feel so disbelieving of love.

JacquesHammer · 01/04/2019 18:25

I know I'm of the age where I should be out looking to find someone but I just feel so disbelieving of love

There’s no reason you “should” look to find someone unless you want to.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/04/2019 18:31

“I'd love a big fancy wedding day but I don't think I want to get married and I just can't see myself settling down.”

I just can’t understand this. Is this a Disney Princess thing causing this attitude? Hello magazine/celebrity weddings? Why are young women excited about the idea of a fancy wedding but not about the very thing it is supposed to be for, the actual marriage?

I have never ever in my life imagined my wedding day, not even when I was growing up. Why the hell would you do that? It’s just weird! It isn’t the most important thing in life, how your wedding day goes, so it is if absolutely no significance!

Just live your life, be happy with yourself and if you happen to meet someone you like enough to spend the rest of your life with, maybe THEN think about the marriage part (and wedding last of al)

Teacher22 · 01/04/2019 18:36

I love my DH after 42 years. He's the romantic and I'm the realist.

vincettenoir · 01/04/2019 18:46

I think you are correct in as far as the ‘falling in love’ that happens at the start of relationships is essentially a flush of hormones which has generally evolved to trick people into reproducing. (Albeit it is also experienced by gay people / people no longer able to reproduce etc).

But if you’re lucky enough falling in love can give way to something beautiful with a bit more longetivity. However this does not just happen to everyone. I think it is more likely to happen if you have people in your life (usually parents) who were a model for good relationships. Although you can sometimes have it if you didn’t have that if you are willing to work at a relationship. But you would also need a partner willing to work on it with you too. This is more of a difficult combination to achieve than it sounds. And then you would both have to keep working at it for it to continue to last, despite shifting priorities in your life.

Our Western idealised version of love is relatively new in the scheme of things and you don’t have to look very far back to a time when marriage was principally about the transfer of property / wealth. It is not surprising that people can feel they have been miss-sold a lie.

I think we should not keep selling on that lie to the next generation.

DeniseRoyal · 01/04/2019 18:53

@TheKrakening3...yes to all of that! I could have written that myself. I do love my DP, but out relationship is quite boring. He adores me, and is very hands on with our DD, and around the house, but if were ever to split, I think I would find myself a toyboy for the occasional shag! Grin

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 01/04/2019 18:55

I’ve seen women, (only women for some reason), on tv and things who are a big fancy wedding day but don’t have a groom. I think it’s just really good fun and getting to wear an expensive, slightly OTT dress and having all your nearest and dearest around to celebrate. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that! And I’d far rather people did that on their own than finding an unsuitable man, just so they could have their day 🤷‍♀️.

If any of my single friends invited me to one of these, I’d absolutely love to go!

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 01/04/2019 18:57

*have

BedraggledBlitz · 01/04/2019 19:05

I agree OP. We are sold a dud. I'm pleased I have my son, and I'm pleased his dad is out of my life. I may date in future but cant see me ever cohabiting again.

thecatsabsentcojones · 01/04/2019 19:41

Sad you feel that way. My husband can do my head in (can you get a divorce for someone sniffing?) but after twenty three years it'd be hell without him.

I had a tummy bug yesterday and felt awful, he was outside chopping wood and I had this very pathetic feeling that I very much needed him, so went out and had a good cry on him. It's not all hearts and flowers, it's getting through the shits and sniffles.

So no don't feel that way, but having witnessed other people and how shit some blokes can be to them I can get why you feel like you do.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/04/2019 19:47

HenryTheHorse: fine if they want that but it’s not a wedding then, is it, it’s a swanky party!

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 01/04/2019 19:49

Well yeah. It was just in response to the “I want a big fancy wedding but don’t want to get married comment” up thread.

Don’t get married to someone just for the big day, when you can have the big day without the marriage.

AndOfCourseHenryTheHorse · 01/04/2019 19:51

*“I want a big fancy wedding, but I don’t want to be married” comment

SelkieRinnNaMara · 01/04/2019 20:03

@alittlegem, your honesty and self awareness is so refreshing. So many women in your shoes tell themselves it's love. You're too intelligent to delude yourself.

I'm in my late forties and was encouraged to be a secretary by my parents. I know loads of women my age went to university and got good jobs but my mother always talked as though it was a given that I'd get married which when, like you, I had no relationships in my teens and early 20s made me feel odd and a bit panicky. I didn't even tune in to my own needs, hopes, plans etc until after I was divorced because although I knew there were things I wanted, I felt like the big priority was to find somebody and I was afraid in my 20s that some decision I'd make would end up costing me a husband. So ridiculous now I know.

SteelRiver · 01/04/2019 20:27

It's sad to hear that people are so disillusioned and even contemptuous. Love most definitely isn't Hollywood, though, and I think it's a bit naive to believe we'll all be starring in our own romantic movie.

I'm still crackers about my husband 12 years on. He's my world and I love being in love. We have a happy life together.

Nearly47 · 01/04/2019 20:40

If you find someone that actually shares the burdens and his of life you might change your mind. It's nothing like Hollywood movies. It's everyday stuff. It can get boring but have wonderful highs and the certainty that someone has your back. And closeness and trust.That's what love is for me.

Nearly47 · 01/04/2019 20:51
  • burdens and highs
Fiveredbricks · 01/04/2019 20:56

Second marriages seem to be more for genuine love and affection, OP imo. First ones mostly seem to go tits up because people grow apart, change or have different expectations.

I met someone a few years ago I would've had the never ending love filled, exciting, content life with.

I was already married and realised after a while couldn't even remain friends or it would break our hearts and others in the longrun.

Yellowsubmarine79 · 01/04/2019 20:57

I'm going through a divorce. Even though it's all very amicable I totally agree with you and now want to stay single forever (while having fun now and then, of course). Wink

Newbie1981 · 01/04/2019 20:58

I'm sad for you. You ok hun?

MdNdD · 01/04/2019 21:19

Yep, agree.

WiseNiceWoman · 01/04/2019 21:38

Generally speaking, she is right. Women bring so much to the table before the first kiss. They have a vagina that men want so badly (or most) and they are homemakers and bare kids. The man stays the same all his life, he just goes to work and comes back with huge expectation. And expect her to go to work after bearing lots of kids - what's equitable about that! Now, what about those women that have problematic men, domestic abusers, narcissistic tendencies, controlling, there are lots of things that women put up when have kids. Most mothers just want to organise the home and ensure their kids are getting what benefits them but she has this person that totally is just a walking train wreck of chaos. Shouts at the kids not for their benefit but for his. Some of you might be lucky enough to have a good man - only after 10 years, you can say. But a high proportion of men, once you are caught in their snare they don't care and exhibit personalities that were not there before hitched. She's right men are obsolete most women are not cos they tend to consider others and not just themselves! Educate your women at best don't hitch with a man that is poor cos if you are likely to have a hard time with him, at least he better have a good enough job to help keep the kids in good activities and treat the family from time to time. Poor men only have resentment to offer generally and it gets worse as they get older.
Hollywood was made by men for that reason to snare women!

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 21:47

2nd marriages have a higher rate of failure