My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

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My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

If you're going to keep the living arrangements the same, you need to start withdrawing the help you currently give her, or that will increase as she gets older.

Use the responses she gives you when you ask her to help with DC or discuss your concerns. If she wants a lift to get some shopping, just ask if there's anyone else that can do it. If she says it wasn't part of the deal, tell her she can get her money back from you and DB and buy a stand-alone retirement flat, if she wants. Ask her to use her kitchenette for cooking as that's why it was put in.

She needs to understand that she's getting something out of it too and she's not doing you a favour. Take the power back and put yourself back into the driving seat.

KbPow offers good advice. You do sound so hurt OP. I don’t think the people who are accusing you of being money grabbing understand that you have focused on the money your brother was given as it is symbolic of your differering relationships with your mum. He gets a very generous gift and it is underlined he can do whatever he likes (and will still be golden child); you get a generous gift too but a very different attitude from your mum.
The fact that you invited her to move in with you whilst you both were grieving and you saw it as an opportunity to build a closer relationship is very touching and I feel for you that it hasn’t really worked out the way you hoped.
Is there anyone in your family, an aunt or cousin or family friend, who could help you communicate better with your mum? I also think it’s good to explore your options- could you sell up and return the money? Definitely find someone to talk to to help build your resilience and help you cope with the hurt of your relationship with your mum. The fox thing was pretty odd, if you could get some detachment through counselling/personal growth you may be able to observe her behaviour and not Be hurt by it. Good luck.

I really do feel for you as there is no easy resolution to this either way. It’s not easy to unpick this situation if you did want to but I really think you need to think very carefully about what it will be like to care for someone who you don’t feel cared for you as well as they could have done in your childhood (I’m aware I could be projecting here). It could take a decade of your life and believe me it can take a huge toll on your own health.

Your mother is still very young and if you are lucky won’t need care while your children are still at home but either you will end up looking after her while your children are in critical gcse years or after they have left and you had plans of other things you wanted to do. Do you really want that?

I can’t imagine that a 2 storey extension would add £80k on to the value of your house unless it’s in London

I'm in Sussex, and where I live you definitely would. We're in one of very few un-extended houses on our estate (30s built semis) and we've been watching prices very closely to see what difference an extension makes to the value.

A 2-storey side extension would make our small 2-bed house into a 3-bed, 2-bath or 4-bed property, and give another living room + utility/wc on the ground floor. My BIL priced up the job and it would cost £70-80k, as long as we didn't go mad with the finish. It would add around £100k to the value, maybe more now as the area has become rather sought after for family-sized homes.

We don't really want the hassle though and didn't want to extend the mortgage at this stage in our lives, so used our savings to pay off the mortgage instead.

I don't understand why the 80k keeps coming up. It's done and dusted and the house improvements have been done. It paid for them and that's it. Why do you keep going on about it?
And as for other money, you say it is costing you money to have her. Why don't you sit down and say she needs to buy her own food. The time has come to review the arrangement as you cannot afford the current one. She needs to live separately if she doesn't want to contribute to living as a family, right by helping more, and therefore buying, food, eating separately seems to be the way to go.

It sounds to me more like you are jealous that your brother has the money and doesn't have the responsibility of having your mother live with him. Your house has improved in value because of the money she has given to you and you will benefit from this in the long run in the same way that your brother will benefit from his property investment.

She has her own space, she can live in it however she wants.

Everyone will have a different opinion on your situation , you asked on here so I assume that’s what you wanted ?

If it’s not about the money ( as you mentioned you didnt ask for it) return it to your mum and admit things are not working out with her living with you .
If you havnt got the money to give her back- what do you expect her to do unless she has funds to move out

She wanted to be fair to your brother and treat both siblings equally so she gave him a similar sum of money too - that seems OK to me. I would not dwell on that.

You will recoup the benefit of your £80k when you come to sell the house.

But i would sort out the relationship with your Mum as you are all living together. Maybe agree you have a family Sunday lunch together every week which you cook together, so she feels more involved with family life.

And ask if she would mind helping you out, say, by babysitting once a month so you & DH can have a date night.

The key is to sit down together & discuss things reasonably.

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I can’t see how the additional gas/electric/water are costing you more than the £150 she’s paying paying you pm?

I agree. What would those bills be in a one-bed flat, if someone was home all day?

When I've done budgetting work with clients, their bills were usually about £25-30 for electricity, £35 for gas and £30 for water, so under £100 a month. I think we pay around the same for a 2-bed house with 2 adults in, so I'd say there is a small element of profit in that £150.

Sell your house, give her the 80K back and you buy something else. Then just see her occasionally. Thats what I would do.

But it's OK for her to live with you? Why?

Sexism. No-one expects men to look after their elderly parents, but it's not unusual for them to expect women to do it.

And it's not unusual for a woman to care for her ILs, either.

My late mother suggested a similar arrangement to that which the OP has. I suggested she ask my brother, and she was just "But he wouldn't look after me". (Her savings weren't enough to build an extension anyway, so her notion never got of the blocks lol)

I think TheInvestigator is right.

Unless you have it writing that you 'd pay mum back, or she part owns your house now, just say "well go then, if that's what you want" next time she threatens, as that's not healthy. And No she doesn't get £80k back, it's yours & your children's house, not hers: "we'll call that rent & care for 4 years"". It would stand up in court as she gifted OP's brother similar amount and then lived with op at a time she needed support. ( A care home would have been £600-800/week).
Then you'll be on equal footing and she'll be a bit more respectful to you in your home. If she's not washing or cleaning up after herself in shared kitchen or bathroom knock on her door and say , "can you come out here and clean up your mess?", same as she would have done to you when you lived in her house.

And it's ok to say "Stop ✋, don't criticise" & walk away, if she's ranting on about a parenting decision you've made.
I'd ignore as much of annoying stuff as possible , the fox thing would have made me lol!! Or turn it back on her, "mum are you sure you want to go out in that flimsy coat in this weather? ... I'm not sure about your friends... Have you been to the toilet?" Give her back a list of patronising questions each time she criticises and she'll soon learn!

Really you hold all the cards here. It's lovely mum is living with you, that she's getting out and about living her life after being widowed. And that you've supported her through a tough time in her life, but you don't have to silently continue to put up with lots of selfish or critical behaviour. Call her out on it, same as you would a teenager. She's only 60, she's not old!! She can get herself to GP appointments if need be.

Work out what is fair share of bills. She's living far cheaper off you than in her own place. So say, right we can't keep subsidizing you mum, your share is £250/ month and please don't touch the thermostat /put the heating off in day or you'll need to pay most of the gas bill, as we can't afford how much it's jumped up to. (Tbh why don't you adjust timer so it stays in a bit longer and comes back on earlier, to compromise)

Overall you sound a bit disappointed that she's not become a doting grandma or a more loving mother. But she's the mother you've got. Try to find what you do like about her or it'll be a long old 20-30 years of her living with you. Ps. You can put her name down on the Local authority/borough (council) housing waiting list for a rented sheltered flat 😁

I doubt the issue is the house or the money.
The issue is that you have saddled yourself with the responsibility for your mother. And you know it.
I am one of 3. Brother fucked off to the far side of nowhere. Sister has arranged her life so my mum can't stay with her. So it will always be me. I resent them enormously.

This is only going to get worse.

Either sell or remortgage and give her back the 80k less 4 years rent. Tell both your db and your mum that as he’s had 70k and you’ve had 10k (added to the value of your house), so he’s the one looking after her in old age (and doing the lifts from here on). And get yourself a nice friendly lodger to help with the extra mortgage costs. Although it will be easier to get your mum to leave if you move house.

I'd like to be able to ask her to collect kids without a big sigh and a "can't any of your friends help?" type comment.
I think she's being unfair here , yes she have you £80k for the house but she is living at your house for little contribution.
The fact she doesn't do any cleaning or help with the kids is unfair . Families help out I understand if she doesn't want to commit although I think after school a couple of times a week wouldn't kill her but when you need a favour and she pulls her face. She's being quite selfish. Call her bluff tell her you will have to put the house up for sale to give her the £80k back . It'll cost her a lot more to find a place and pay food & bills . Or she can help out with

Posted too soon .
The kids and jobs / pay more .

In many ways this isn’t about the money, but all the time she’s holding over you a threat of asking for ‘her’ money back it’s going to cloud the issue. What is the legal situation with regards to the money? Was it a loan or a gift? Does she now own any share in your house?

You need to be able to have a reasonable conversation with her without that threat being used every time.

Next time she holds the money over you I would tell her to move out and you'll give her the £80k back when Bro gives her his £70k back. I just wouldn't have time for that rudeness.

You also need to tell her your anticipation for when she gets older. Presumably you won't want to be doing 24/7 care, so you need to tell her she needs adequate funds to pay for that. Do you have to provide care for her if she's living in your house though, not sure but you need to know where you stand. It might be worth buying her out and sending her on her way rather than 20+ years living with you with declining health.

We've moved away from family due to there being a golden child, sometimes it's better to just cut your loses and limit contact for your own sanity. Honestly we feel much more happy now we don't have our noses rubbed in it.

Lakielady you've forgotten council tax, house & contents insurance, telephone line, broadband, TV package or streaming costs, transport costs /or running costs for car , gardener (she doesn't do it), white goods that need to be replaced, etc...

£150 won't cover all her share of bills.

What would equalise the situation would be for the OP's mother to receive the rent on the DB's flat which she would then pay (all or some of) as a larger contribution to the OP.

That would cover her increased monthly running costs, and the OP and her DB would still have their 'gift' invested in their respective properties to be realised in the future.

I can understand why you'd be upset at the perceived unfairness of the money given to you and your brother, but in reality, the sad fact is that it isn't any of your business what she chooses to do regarding her money and other people.

But it is, if OP has been given money with strings attached while her brother was given almost the same but unencumbered. It actually sounds like her mother was being quite sneaky about it, tbh.

The brother has an income and an appreciating capital asset, OP has a liability and less valuable capital asset (the extension) that is unlikely to produce the same capital return.

I think you need to sit down and have a very frank discussion with her about her expectations and yours, OP, and about her contribution to costs.

You possibly need to call her bluff. Sit her down and explain that you can see that this current situation is not working and she seems keen to get her 80K back so you plan to remortgage the house to give her the money back and she can start looking for a flat to rent. I am guessing she will backtrack then you can have a proper conversation about bills and her responsibilities.

On a side note: where does she get her income from? Did your DF leave her comfortable financially? Would she be able to rent and live independently on the money she has?

She cooks for herself only in the family kitchen (although she has her own kitchenette) and doesn't wash up or clean up after herself ffs.

Yes, that is unforgivable. I'd be laying down the law about that OP. You work f/t and shouldn't have to come home and clear up her mess.

there are 3 separate issues. Pretty difficultt to discuss them in isolation but this is what you need to try and do

1. Her monthly contribution in money terms. Work out what your bills were before and after, and compare that to what she was paying on her own place.
2. The principal of £80k that she invested. That is not a fully returnable sum, it should reduce year on year. At what point will the extension become "yours"?
3. Your parenting. Non negotiable . Thye are your children and she can butt out (rabid foxes, my arse)