My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

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My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

When I've done budgetting work with clients, their bills were usually about £25-30 for electricity, £35 for gas and £30 for water, so under £100 a month. I think we pay around the same for a 2-bed house with 2 adults in, so I'd say there is a small element of profit in that £150.

Don't forget to add into that the running around in the car that the OP is expected to do on a regular basis taking her mother to appointments and to do shopping etc.

The bottom line here OP is 'Is this relationship working and do you want it to continue?'. Basically, do you want your DM living with you for the rest of her life?

Because if you do then you and your DH need to decide what needs to change i.e. higher financial contribution to household bills, either not using your kitchen or cleaning it properly afterwards, winding her neck in over your parenting, helping you out with childcare on the extremely rare occasions you ask for it without making snide remarks, and accepting that helping one another out is part and parcel of living together. How would she like it if you told her to get a taxi to her hospital appointments, rather than giving her a lift? Also, I really think you need to address what will happen when/if she becomes less independent and needs help. Does she expect that you will provide it for free? Because, if so, you need to let her know that with a FT job and two DC that won't be happening.

In all honesty, I think I'd be tempted to sell the house, give her her money back and be shot of this arrangement that was made in haste and in grief. Your history with your DM doesn't bode well for living together and, by the sound of it, it's not working. Your resentment about the no-strings money to your brother will only grow as your DM's demands increase - and they will as she becomes older. How old is she now? How much longer can you and your DH expect to be sharing your home?

Can you say to her that she can live with you for another year then she needs to stay with DB for 5 years to make it “fair seeing as how you both got similar amounts” You can always offer to pay back the 10k difference. You can then discuss what’s going to happen after that - at least then you can discuss everything going forward given the situation is no longer the same as when she moved in.

^I doubt the issue is the house or the money.
The issue is that you have saddled yourself with the responsibility for your mother. And you know it^

I agree. You weren't close to your mother and it sounds like she would never have been a hands on and helpful grandmother so it seems unrealistic that you are expecting her to suddenly change. She has always said she doe t want to do any childcare so it seems unfair that you are now expecting her to. I suspect that she thinks making an effort by making your kids their breakfast everyday.

The one things I think you can review is how much she pays a month, cleaning the mess she make in the kitchen and the fact she criticises your parenting.

As for you giving her lifts etc- TBH I think it would be awful to start holding her to randsom over these and refusing to give them unless she repays you in babysitting. Either just give her lifts or don't but don't start making rules and threats about them.
You and your mother were really foolish to do this without thinking things through properly.

I can't see how you can disentangle yourself from this situation so the best thing to do would be to try and come together and work out a few compromises. You come across as really disliking her. It's only going to get worse if you don't sort the 'sortable' issues out.
I think some of the more extreme suggestions on this thread are awful. They are aggressive and unkind. Your mother doesn't sound very nice but you agreed to this arrangement.

I agree with your mother that the money she gave to your brother is nothing to do with you and your arrangements with your Mum. Presumably you never thought it was a financial arrangement when she moved in.

"I would ask her to pay a third for the council tax, the WiFi, any subscriptions, a quarter of the utilities (maybe a third is she keeps the heating full blast). Do you have home and building insurance? I Would make her pay her way on the bills. A quarter to a third. Sorry, but she can't have it all ways. "

Why should she pay a third? There are more than three people in the house? She should pay a third of things that only adults pay for like council tax, but the parents should pay their own children's share of things surely so she pays a fifth if there are two children.

The issue is partly that your DM would want the 80K back if you no longer want her to live with you but your DB got his money with no strings, so it isn't a level playing field.

Not washing up and tidying after using the kitchen would annoy me too. It also smacks of still being the matriach, ruling the kitchen! but leaving you the drudge work. Your DM is still young, she could be with you a long time and if she meets someone or fancies a nice little flat you could be a real pickle to find that 80K to give her back. It's a bit of a mess when you were trying to do her a good turn.

Could she stump up a bit more for bills? does she pay the extra council tax the annese will have added to your bill?

Don’t compare with your brother as this is making you miserable; you did it to help your mother which you have done; however if it doesn’t work for you long term perhaps you could look at remortgaging and give her the money back to buy a retirement flat. You could rent the space and pay the mortgage with it.

Lock the kitchen and other parts of your property when you go to work.

you've forgotten council tax, house & contents insurance, telephone line, broadband, TV package or streaming costs, transport costs /or running costs for car , gardener (she doesn't do it), white goods that need to be replaced, etc

Not all of those will have increased though, a lot of them are the same regardless of how many people are in the house.

But yes, the monthly contribution needs to be reviewed to take into account the costs that have increased.

I think you need to know what your options are financially. So go and see the bank and find out if you can cover the 80k to return it.

Have a discussion with your DH about it all. I think if you could be a little more honest with yourself 30 years of this is not going to be ok.

Then talk to your mum and say look this isn't working out for us. Want do you want to do? Leave it in her court to decide if she really wants the money back. To be fair she might need it back from both you and your bro if she's going to need to purchase another place.

Assuming she says she wants her money back you say fine either from remortgage or from sale of house.

But the first step is being a little more honest with yourself.

The simplest thing would be for her to move into a rented flat using the rent from the annexe. You'd keep the bill element.

I am one of 3. Brother fucked off to the far side of nowhere. Sister has arranged her life so my mum can't stay with her. So it will always be me. I resent them enormously

Why do you think you will have to have your mother stay with you? Just because you have appropriate accommodation? You have no more obligation that your siblings, so when the time comes don't roll over and fulfil their expectations by having your mother move in. Tell them you all need to look into options such as home care or nursing home care and don't put yourself down as an option. If you do choose to take on your mother's care at your house then you have no right to feel resentment towards your siblings - it will have been a choice you made. Just don't fall into that trap as believe me it will cause a lot of upset for you.

Op is there a door into the annexe that can be locked from your side? I'd start locking it when your leaving in the morning. That way your mother cannot make use of your kitchen. I assumed she might have been cooking for you all if she was in there. She has her own facility so surely it's sufficient for her needs.

Agree that unless she has a medical condition previously unmentioned, your mum needs a job or voluntary work. She’s still relatively young.
To be honest, your situation would be untenable for me. Is there any way at all she could move to a different living arrangement? I think your current one is going to end with you bitterly resenting her.

From my experience this will get worse. Your desire for a better relationship drove the decision but the legacy of your childhood has not been addressed.
My mother lived with us while my father was ill in a nursing home nearby. It was v difficult and then got worse after he died. Lots of different reasons but fundamentally the trouble was our poor relationship.
My mother never sold her house so fortunately could move back. Rather than our relationship improving it has got worse. We never did anything to address the hurt.
As a daughter looking for a better relationship, you are prone to over offering help and then resenting when things don't improve. I also see an inequality between what I do and my sibling. This is also a regular pattern. Look after yourself. I don't think your mum will.

you've forgotten council tax, house & contents insurance, telephone line, broadband, TV package or streaming costs, transport costs /or running costs for car , gardener (she doesn't do it), white goods that need to be replaced, etc

council tax share on 2 rooms will be low
ditto for insurance
do we know she has a TV package in her 2 rooms? She does not use the other living room.
transport costs - yes
white goods - presumably she replaces these in her own kitchen?
gardener - you do know many people with a garden do about 3 hours a year gardening? i.e, mow the lawn and cut back any out of control bush? Any more than that is a choice by people that like gardening. So this is just being petty.

Similarly MIL could start charging babysitting rates for getting the kids their breakfast every morning?

It is important not to be petty. It invites pettiness back. If the £150pm is not covering the real costs, then ask for an increase. But don't be petty about it.

So would £80k have bought her a flat on the open market four years ago? If not then I think she has had a good deal, you provided her with the land that you own to build the extension on, she would not have been able to afford it otherwise, presumably without utilizing the £70K she gave to your brother? I think that puts you in a better position to re-negotiate. I also thank that if she won't clean up when she uses the kitchen then you tell her to use the one in her flat.

Given your past relationship, I think you doing her old age care will be massively problematic, I know from experience looking after your Mum when she gets older is a labour of love, doing personal care for another adult is hard enough when you have a good relationship based on the foundations built during a loving childhood. If your childhood was not like that it will be extra difficult. So if that is her expectation of you then you need to address that now, that you don't think you can do it so she needs to put other plans in place, this is for both your sakes.

Does she actually have a stake in the property, as in owning all or part of the annexe?

I am also amazed at those who say the MIL needs a job. The MIL is going out with friends and going out shopping. She is not depressed. Why should she go back to work if she is happy with her life?

Helpless The DB has bought a flat for £70k, so perfectly possible for her to have bought a flat for £80k.

Legal situation re money is that its 100% a gift, not a loan. Remortgaging is not an option and she knows that because weve already remortgaged to pay her back for the deposit she gave to help me and DH buy the house. That money was returned plus almost the same again in interest as she said it was an investment. So we've been very clear this time the money is not an investment!!

Call your brother and say: “now your turn - mum’s moving in with you for 4 years now.”

That’s great news. Now she can stop trying to use the money to control you and you can have a proper conversation about the way forward.

What does she get from living with you from her perspective?

She sounds like hard work op.
My friend is a carer and listens to older people whinging their children never come to see them, you hear stories like this and it all becomes clear.

DrinkFeckArseGirls - agreed it’s time she lived rent free in his flat

I think I would try to set the feeling of unfairness with your brother aside, and concentrate on re-establishing boundaries with your mother.

If she's not cooking family meals or cleaning the kitchen, she needs to buy her own food, cook for herself and clean up in her own kitchenette.

If she's not prepared to help out with the kids and babysit, you should not be driving her around. So I would ask her how she wants this relationship to work - are you going to help each other out on a weekly basis, or are you only going to look after yourselves eg you pay for a babysitter, she pays for a taxi?

Ask her for an true reflection of her share of the bills.

I think once you have set those boundaries and everyone knows where they stand, then her living her own life in terms of TV and visiting friends won't grate so much.

What does she get from living with you from her perspective?

She gets to live in a family-sized home with a big kitchen and an in-house taxi service for £80k and £150 a month in bills! Where in the UK could she get that otherwise, apart from maybe the arse end of nowhere? If she'd invested that sum in buying her own place she would have a mortgage to pay as well as her initial investment. Even a little cottage these days in a not particularly desirable area is at least £150k.