My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

[lookybooky]

My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

@lookybooky
I know I’m a bit late to the party here, but the fact is that your mother has given you what is a Gift with Reservation of Benefit. That is, she continues to benefit from the £80,000 she gave you. Unless she has been paying you market rent for her annexe, when she dies, that £80K will form part of her estate as it doesn’t qualify for the 7 year rule for gifting.

I have no idea obviously what your mother’s estate is worth so it may not make any difference.
The fact is that the gift to you and the gift to your brother are very different.
Perhaps as others have said you move house and tell her she has to organise her own accommodation... or she pays you market rent from now on and then both gifts are equal.
And no, you will not give the gift back!

You take her to her hospital appointments? And you're expecting something for that?

You sound horrible OP, sorry but you do. Ask her to clean the kitchen after herself if that's what's bothering you but I'm absolutely cringing for you. I wouldn't treat my mum this way. You should have suggested the retirement flat in the first place since you're regretting having her there now.

Your money issues are not her concern, you've overstretched. Manage your money better rather than despise your mum with your hand out for more.

I feel very sorry for your mum and all you can do is compare your position with your brother's. Urgh.

I think mother used the crisis of bereavement to get a foot in the door, had OP not been stressed and worried she'd have been able to look rationally at her mothers proposal and would have seen it as a bum deal for her

I do agree with PP though - this situation isn't working so bring it to an end.

As a woman similar age to your Mum the best move would be to sell up, return her money, then you get your life back and won’t be beholden to anyone. I think you’ll find she’s bluffing when she tells you to do that.No amount of money is worth you being upset. Also she’s young enough to start a new life if she meets someone else so may expect her money back if she decides to move on with someone else. Good luck.

Sell the house, buy a family house similar to the one you had AND a studio flat. Your mum can live in the studio.

It's very unfair to dictate how you had to use that £80k and claim it back from you but not your brother. Yet, she cannot do anything about you returning it. I'd go all "you probably want some independence and with the kids and all that you feel a bit tied here, so we are downsizing and getting you your very own flat". I don't know there but in my town there are great flats for over 60s right in the town centre, by supermarkets, shops and GPs. Since she doesn't drive, that would be better for her too.

I really do think it is time to give her her money back and ask her to move out, for everyone concerned. The only thing your mother did wrong, in my eyes, is to think she needed to live with you when she is still relatively young. And the only thing you did wrong was think this would be viable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe the question was AIBU, not judge me by the wonderful relationship you obviously had with your mum. No, I'm not horrible. I don't neglect my kids like she did so perhaps try and stick to the facts I've given you, RTFT, or just move on.

I've been following this thread with interest.

I think PPs saying OP is being mean to her mother & ought take care of her , given "pre- inheritance gift" have missed significant updates from OP, a clear legal view of situ and that it's Mother's behaviour that is causing the ructions to this plan ongoing.

The gift wasn't one with reservation of benefit. That would have needed to be legally annotated and it wasn't, or OP would have said. I understand PPs concern that Mother would struggle to buy a property without that money and more, depending on where in country they live (it's £220+k in my area), but she chose to give away an almost equal amount of money to her son too. OP's property would have risen in price regardless and it's difficult to know what an extension will add to future sale price, and a moot point when OP isn't selling anyway.

I'm not as unhopeful as others that this cannot be resolved or improved by some straight talking. Mother hasn't had bottom line laid out for her. She would be able to go on Housing waiting list for sheltered accomodation, if she has no funds to purchase a property with, legally not morally, so unless she's kept a hundred thousand or so in her bank, she is where she is. Hence, if it becomes untenable, then an alternative has to be found. There's a marked difference between giving away money & fairly quickly ask for rented housing association accomodation and housing benefit help, compared to capacitated gifts after death of a parent (his inheritance) with 4 years accomodation & live in support provided, whilst she needed it at a very vulnerable time. I'm not saying that'd cost £80k but it was Mother's choice to have extension for her to stay there. It's unlikely she stipulated how long and would likely have signed it as a gift for money laundering purposes, leaving herself no future claim.

I think Mother is acting somewhat entitled and hopefully that will resolve with a 3 way chat. If Mother is a bit more amenable now, she might find that care support she was hoping for in her twilight years is still on offer. She's being very silly to risk that, to make unnecessary jibes at OP now.

Oooh cross posted with OP!!

wankstainwasher [giggles at name] Thanks that's eye-opening legal info I really wasnt aware of. I understood gifts fell under the 7yr rule and both mum and I assumed this was simply the case with our arrangement. Hmmm ... so that means there's a big difference in the equality of the 2 gifts (mine and DB's) which I'll have to talk to her about.

I don't think she gave you that money at all, I think she bought herself accommodation. Her gifting your brother money is because she's found bargain accommodation so can afford to splash out with gifts.

She probably sees it as the daughter's role to look after the parents too.

OffToBedhampton sorry, yes just spotted your post. Thanks, so looks like reservation of benefit perhaps not an issue. And yes, the housing options are absolutely one way of looking to future but I agree I'd prefer to start off with trying to all get on together better.

I don’t have much advice but wanted to wish you luck.

4 years is a long time for rent not to go up normally expect it to go up each year. It’s a good time to talk to her as it’s new tax year so council tax and electric has gone up.

I hope it gets better, I would be peeved to!

I think it’s very unfair that she is asking you for the 80k back if she moves out, but not asking for the 70k off your brother, a bit if favouritism going on perhaps?
YANBU. I would be peeved off too.

So,she gave you 80,000.Pays you150.00 p/m and you are complaining? She is your Mum ffs.And was miserable because her husband died.Wow,you are all heart.No wonder she is miserable.Yes.I think you should give her her 80,000 back.Unbelievable!!!

I think she does help if she gives the kids breakfast. Does she cook only for herself? Do you have to do any work for her? I'd leave your brother out the equation and try to see if you think you are happy with your arrangement with her. Does she ever the occasional babysitting? Does she shops for food separately?
Regarding the expenses I don't think she should contribute towards the mortgage as she paid for her part of the house already. Maybe rework the bills and divide fairly by members of the household. It's really up to her how she uses her money. I think the difference is only she wanted to live with you. Try to keep the peace. You can always make more money....

I can see your point. It must seem to you that you haven’t gained much from this arrangement. You have Mum but with no added benefits also she’s only getting older and will start depending on you for help eventually. She doesn’t baby sit or help out with gardening or house work, so you’ve effectively gained a person who’s as much help as a self absorbed teenager. Of course there’s no obligation for mums to help out, but I can see why you wouid think she probably wouid have. I also would have been miffed that your brother got virtually the same amount of money but san Mum.

What you do probably depends on whether you actually do want her to go and whether or not you are in a position to return her 80k. I’d be inclined to do just that if you are able to remortgage and return her dosh.

Then if the extension you added is a separate annex, with its own front door, it would be quite easy to rent it out or do Airbnb.

Christ Lying you sound just like like my holier than thou SiL

And I don't think you've got a bad deal by the way. I'd love someone to have paid my extension. You are going to keep that one your mum is gone. Seriously, forget about what she gave your brother because it seems that it put an edge between you and your mum. It really isn't important in the grand scheme of things

@lookybooky that's a good plan and you are right to hope. A gift with reservation of benefit is given with legal papers stating that. Which you'd know! And it's difficult to argue in retrospect when she gave similar amount to your brother following death of your father. The extra £10k is easily swallowed up with care support she's had at a terrible time for her, and living with you for 4 years with minimal monthly donation towards bills, cheaper living for her. And that you'd have been willing to continue if she doesn't make it untenable.

I really think once she realises her threats have little legal sting, she might become more livable with. She clearly has a mean streak but with a sit down cards on table chat, she might change her attitude.

You can always spend a couple hundred £ getting legal advice, based on your individual situation, worth it, if it helps clarify and reassure you.

She needs to quit backseat parenting, and you need to quit being her chauffeur. If she can make it clear that she won't babysit, you can make it clear that you won't drive her about

This! And I would be saying 'Can't one of your friends do it?' every time I was asked for a lift somewhere.

You went into this arrangement because it seemed the best option at the time.
I don't think you can complain about the money given to your brother as your Mother is entitled to give him gifts and probably thinks she was evening things out. There is no way of making gifts like this exactly fair.
It is really hard living with adults and there needs to be compromise and understanding on both sides before resentment sets in.
I think you need an honest broker eg friend of your mother or possibly a counsellor or your SH to help you both to look at things through each other's eyes.it should be possible.
As far as I can see the money is a symptom and I think you should forget about it but child care advice etc needs to stop. Everyone should easily be able to agree on a fair contribution for bills.

I think you should stop driving her around. If she isn't prepared to chip in as part of a family why should you?

Sorry, but bollocks would I be giving her her 'gift' back under any circumstances. She wants to move out, fine. She wants her gift back - not until you see your brother returning his too.