My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

[lookybooky]

My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

Tell her to butt out of parenting and to wash her own dirty pots and fetch her own shopping.

And use her own effing kitchen!

I agree with @Tilikum

However, Iegally there is no need to talk of paying back "her money" , it's not Mum's money. It was a gift. Mum also chose to give away rest of her money to her son. She'll not get a property for that amount.

OP is better off suggesting to mum that she goes on housing waiting list, for housing association rented property. At 60 she'll be allowed to move to sheltered accomodation when a suitable vacancy arises.
It's OP's mum who was silly. She should have tried living with OP first, before selling her property, for a while.

As it is, if she can't keep a civil tongue in her head, and keeps making threats to leave and try to take back a gift (that she knows can't be returned), then it's the Mum breaking the relationship down and making living together untenable.

I'm pretty sure as soon as OP suggests mum going on housing waiting list and reminding her that it was a gift, that she's solely benefitted from & their care, for 4 years now, and that rent and bills she'll solely be responsible for will be much hihher, she'll back down and be a bit more appreciative/ easier to live with & fairer in subsidized rent she pays OP!

But if I dare to argue with my mum, she threatens to leave and asks for the full amount back
Sorry, you sound jealous.
This is your mother. YOU asked HER to move in- were you hoping for an on tap babysitter?
£150 Is a substantial amount, and unless gas/ water etc is vastly more expensive in your neck of the woods, then there must be some leftover.
It sounds like you're grumpy because it hasn't panned out the way you expected.

However... I'm a firm believer that in a household, everyone needs to help. If money truly is an issue, ( and I mean basic bills, not " we want a nicer holiday), then have a frank discussion. Be prepared to compromise. Would she be willing to do 2 afternoons per week? It would be unreasonable for you to expect her to take over all childcare- she is already paying her way.

Fizzy, that would only work if he doesn't use the rent to repay a mortgage, he may have spent more than 70K on the flat

Two big lessons to learn from this thread:

1. Do not make major life-changing decisions while you are grieving.
2. Do not expect people/relationships to suddenly improve.

OP, I think you have to let go of the issue about your brother's money and work out how to move forward with your mother now. I would arrange an evening with the three adults in the house to sit down and talk about how the arrangements are working out. Let everyone express concerns and work out what you can all do to make things work better. It's been four years, your children are older, your mother's situation is different, you can explain that you think this is a good time to reassess everything, including but not limited to the financial arrangements. You just want to make sure that everyone is contributing fairly and being treated fairly to the household. Try to keep it as unemotional as possible.

Make a list of what you want to mention:

1. Increasing her monthly contribution
2. Cleaning up after herself in the main house
3. Give and take with helping each other out - you take her to appointments sometimes, in return it seems fair that occasionally she picks the children up. That's not so much about all living together as being a family. You'd do those things for each other anyway.

Ask her what she wants to mention.

During the course of the discussion, maybe you also want to bring up that a few times she's talked about moving out and having her money back, and while you know she's not serious, you need to all be clear that that money is no longer hers, it was a gift not an investment, as you all agreed at the time. You aren't anticipating her moving out, of course, so it's not an issue, but it's just good to make sure you all know where you stand on that kind of thing.

Her criticism of your parenting is something I would probably say you just need to grin and bear for the moment.

Be prepared to compromise. Would she be willing to do 2 afternoons per week? It would be unreasonable for you to expect her to take over all childcare- she is already paying her way.

RTFT. OP has asked her mother to pick the children up 3 times in 4 years. That is not exactly 'taking over all childcare'.

Oh, also, on the heating. She's an adult. She's allowed to put the heating on at home, and if she's at home during the day when you are out at work, she's still allowed to put the heating on. But you can point out that the bills have gone up and so her share of them also needs to go up.

sit down family meeting sounds like a good idea but she won't cooperate, she sees herself as a 'super-adult' who is above her children
she does not see herself as someone who is accountable to her children

If she was living in her annexe, then she would only heat her small space. She seems not to care that OP & H are financially strapped

Is it possible to get meters in her annexe and she would pay her own share.

@bridgetreilly the long post- that's a good suggestion/way forward

*sounds horribly similar to a situation we were in with my in-laws.

Had a totally separate annexe converted which they contributed to paying for but DH did most of work. Never one word of thanks or appreciation. They paid a peppercorn rent

Perfectly fit and healthy but Did zero maintenance on their place or ever even offer to babysit:take DC to park. (And sorry, yes I am in the camp that thinks GPs who claim to adore their DGC should want to help out now and then). Constantly tried to lay claim on what we could and couldn't do with OUR house and garden and basically became impossible to live with.

All came to a head a few years ago when they just became impossible to live with and it was affecting our marriage. We (DH and I) decided the easiest thing to do was sell up and part ways with IL.
This pretty much kicked off WWIII. Their assumption was that they would see their days out there but utterly refused to see how their increasingly awful behaviour was making this untenable.
Now massive ructions between us IL and BiL (who had also assumed we would always care for them).

So they left with all their investment,plus interest, after living virtually rent-free for 10 years. And we are considered the wrong doers all this* 

should add whilst the fallout was unnecessary and bitter there is not a single day I regret what we did in selling up. Playing it forward I envisaged myself doing all the care for 2 ungrateful elderly people who were miore than happy to see us homeless after their death. (All their assets including money for annexe were to be split equally).

Hideous

Sorry not rtft so this is probably asking you to cancel the cheque but next time she threatens to leave and wants her money back. Tell her fine, minus four years of rent. Why would she think she basically got years of free rent?

She cant build a house and get free land.

I don’t see why she has to suck up criticisms about their parenting. It’s none of her business

I would really want to unravel the arrangement as soon as possible, even if it meant selling the house. I wouldn't give her the full £80k either as she's had the benefit of four years without paying rent. So at least £24k of that is to be deducted (based on four years at £500 a month as per your brother's rental income). Just the way she received interest from her loan of the deposit to you previously.

It will be soooo much worse when she needs care and you have to look after her. She will still not appreciate you and you will have much less energy yourself.

She can live with the favoured child! I'm sure he'll love looking after her

If it were me I'd get a hive energy measuring gadget. And make sure she pays for what she uses!

£150 for bills bit not food seems a lot?

This must be reducing your living expenses. You could really expect your mum to pay a third, but a quarter might be fair.

Is your council task, gas and electric £600 per month?

You can’t really charge her rent if she has paid the building costs

Get your brother to have your mum in his investment property???

If she is only in her own rooms how is the heating bill so high?

Having read the OPs replies I would be selling the house, giving her some money back (not necessarily the full £80k, depending on what you get for the house and deducting any moving costs etc.) shaking her hand, wishing her well and going your separate ways.

She doesn’t sound like a very loving mother and I wouldn’t want to live with her holding her ‘investment’ over me and it must be awful for your DH.

I know you don’t technically have to give her any money back, and that would mean your brother had benefitted to the tune of £70k, but I’d just want to get out of the current situation and I would feel sick to my stomach at the thought of providing round the clock care when she’s not able to look after herself.

You need to work out how much does cover the bills and ask her to up her payments. Utility bills have increased over the last 4 years and if she can't give you payment in kind (pick ups/babysitting) to save you money then she needs to cover costs.

A separate conversation is needed about the parenting comments. Simply put she needs to stop making them. You are the mother. You make the rules. If she doesn't like it she can choose to leave but you won't be returning the gift.

And the final separate conversation is to stop mentioning the money. If she mentions it again you will treat her household as completely separate and she will have no access to it except by invitation.

Ignoring your brothers situation, your mother gave you 80 grand and you are whinging about her not paying enough rent? Eh? Is this a wind up?

80 grand to build and extension for her...

And 80 grand that you have to use, long before you inherit it!