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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can't Commit to being Babysitters - Are we being unfair?

180 replies

PeterTD1 · 30/03/2019 19:02

My wife and I are loving grandparents and love spending time with ouf son and his family. My daughter in law works part time and has childcare and my wife who also works part time often helps out. We are due to retire this year and have lots of plans especially travel. Problem is DIL wants to work full time and has more or less presumed we will have children 2 days per week. However we dont want to commit. We have worked hard and want to be able to have freedom to book a week in the sun and go the next day. We would of course help if we are at home but we want to live our own lives and have freedom. Her own parents never have the kids and only visit sporadically (and only live 6 miles away) and son and dil think they are wonderful but never ask them to babysit for reasons never explained. Are we being unfair?

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:26

As for the structure and stimulation of nurseries I could write a book and may well do one day on why I wouldn’t leave my dog in one but that’s a different thread.

Roussette · 01/04/2019 09:26

inliverpool my DCs live a mixture of 100 and 1,000 miles from me. I presume that means I'm not a loving parent and we're not close. Hmm

GPatz · 01/04/2019 09:27

Why do some GP assume that they will see GC regularly or have them overnight?

SnuggyBuggy · 01/04/2019 09:30

YANBU. I once remember a sixty something colleague talking about how she would love to do a 5 week cruise but couldn't because she was committed looking after her GC and I felt really sorry for her. You've worked hard, done your time raising kids so why shouldn't you be able to have some freedom and adventure.

Also thinking about my late DGF who I was very close to one of the things we really enjoyed was him talking about all the trips and holidays he was doing.

DishingOutDone · 01/04/2019 09:38

Witchofzog was coming on to say the same thing - OP typed "no not at all" we have no idea who she was replying to?!

acciocat · 01/04/2019 09:51

I think you should write that book liverpool, sounds like a laugh Grin

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:55

Roussette - All families are different. Mine is the way mine is, that doesn’t make me controlling or expectant any more than it makes yours not close.

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:56

GPatz - well because that’s the norm, if you don’t theres a reason behind it

user1497863568 · 01/04/2019 10:01

Don't feel guilty. I've seen so many grandparents in shops, parks etc complaining together about how much childcare they need to do for their families. Only very rarely do I see a grandparent who regularly looks like they thoroughly enjoy it. They can get childcare.

GPatz · 01/04/2019 10:02

Inliverpool1

Like you said. All families are different.

Roussette · 01/04/2019 10:10

liverpool Exactly. All familes are different. It's just your inference that your family choose to live near you because you are all close as a family and they feel welcome. Children can live hundreds of miles away and still be close and feel welcome (as my lot descended on me for Mothers Day yesterday and took over the kitchen to cook a mammoth sunday lunch Grin)

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 10:13

I didn’t infer anything if that’s how you read it, it’s on you.

Snog · 01/04/2019 10:14

If this were me I wouldn't commit to regular babysitting but I would offer to have the GC for a few weeks in the school holiday periods as this is often hard to manage if both parents work full time.

And you are less likely to go away yourselves in school holidays if you don't have to due to the additional cost.

IvanaPee · 01/04/2019 10:20

OP seems to have disappeared...

outpinked · 01/04/2019 13:25

This is a very Western problem. In many countries grandparents and other relatives always help with childcare, it takes a village and all that... In Western society families don’t seem to be willing to help one another and instead parents have to fork out £££ for childcare. I’m not saying either way is good or bad, just very different.

I don’t think you’re BU to want to enjoy your retirement, just communicate better with them.

Motoko · 01/04/2019 16:10

@PeterTD1are you going to bother coming back to answer peoples questions, in order to give the advice YOU asked for?

It's very rude to just post asking for advice, and then do a disappearing act, not to mention the only other post you made saying "No, not at all" had no reference to which poster you were replying to, or what the question was, so is completely pointless.

mummmy2017 · 01/04/2019 16:32

My mum was used as child care, she loved seeing her GC. But 12 hours Everyday. My sibling walked in each night put child's coat on and went home. It was down right rude.
Once child was in school they never visited, and would expect summer holiday cover, again in and out ten mins with adult max. It was too much for my mum, my children were asked to visit some afternoons as after it gave her a rest...
Now she never sees her DG as my sibling has moved away.... Talk about using people.

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 17:37

mummmy2017 - not exactly typical behaviour though is it ? And should have been called out

BlackCatSleeping · 01/04/2019 17:42

Is this the same PBP who made up the being hit by a friend thread?

givemesteel · 01/04/2019 17:58

Hi OP

It's your retirement, do what you want with it.

But bear in mind you get out what you put in.

Will you have a close relationship with GC? No not particularly.

Will your son/dil feel particularly obliged to help you out when you get old/ill/frail and aren't going on holidays any more at the drop of the hat? Probably not, apart from maybe the occasional favour, like what you've done for them now.

If that doesn't bother you then fair enough.

Just for comparison my parents look after my dc 2 days a week. My dc are probably as close to my parents as they are to dh and I. I do lots of favours for them in return, and when they're too old to cope on their own I'll step up more for as long as possible so hopefully they will never have to go in a home.

Ultimately I'm very close to my parents, they love to help me and visa versa. But not every family is the same, my dh's parents are much more distant.

mummmy2017 · 01/04/2019 17:58

Liverpool I think you will find in real life it happens a lot.
GP to worried to say no incase the contact with child is stopped.
We all tried to tell mum, but she just wanted time with this Child so put up with it.....

Roussette · 01/04/2019 18:11

givemesteel so are you saying that if you aren't the one who looks after GC when your DC works, you are unlikely to have a close relationship and they will ditch you when you're old?

What BS. I know many with GC who don't have their GC week in week out and they have a close relationship with their children. They look after them at weekends, short breaks, sickness, emergencies.

My DPs never had my children but I was there for them when they got elderly.

Saying you have to do this in order to have a relationship with your children sounds like some sort of awful blackmail. Aren't people who have retired allowed a life too? There is a happy medium as I've pointed out above (holidays, sickness, weekends staying over, emergencies etc)

IvanaPee · 01/04/2019 18:28

Wow. So if you don’t provide free childcare for your dc, they’ll fuck you over when you’re old.

Even though you raised them, took care of them, financed them...

givemesteel · 01/04/2019 18:37

Rousette it's not blackmail at all but the evidence is there when you have one set of gp that do loads and one that hardly does anything.

When my dc make a picture or card, it's for the gp they see regularly, when we have big family get together it's the knee of the gp they always see they go to not the occasional ones.

In the same way with dh's parents when they need help we'll do what we can but do I feel obliged to look after them regularly when they're old, and if necessary have them move in like I would my own parents? No. Maybe that makes me a bad person but I just don't feel obliged to do that.

Ultimately as you say the OP could do both, they could help out with dc even one day a week and that would be immensely helpful and just plan their holidays in advance so parents can plan. But if they value spontaneous holidays more than seeing their gc regularly, and don't want a regular commitment then I don't think they can really expect anything more from their offspring when they need it.

Obviously he can enjoy his retirement how he wants, but hopefully retirement is long for him and having the health to go off on holiday doesn't last forever and there may come a time when he values family more,by which time gc may be teens and the opportunity for a close relationship has passed.

acciocat · 01/04/2019 18:40

Givemesteel - your relationships seem to be based on ‘do what suits me now or I won’t hesitate to screw You over when you’re older’

You may believe that’s what defines a ‘close’ relationship. I prefer relationships where things are given freely, not used as weapons to gain some weird kind of power balance.

I actually feel very happy for my parents that they got to enjoy their retirement together, with the freedom to go off on jaunts when it suited and without the huge responsibility of being tied to regular childcare. How selfish id have been if I’d expected them to give all that up just to save me some money. And I wouldn’t dream of thinking ‘hah, I’ll get one over on you when you’re old and frail.’

What an unpleasant perspective on family life you have