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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't Commit to being Babysitters - Are we being unfair?

180 replies

PeterTD1 · 30/03/2019 19:02

My wife and I are loving grandparents and love spending time with ouf son and his family. My daughter in law works part time and has childcare and my wife who also works part time often helps out. We are due to retire this year and have lots of plans especially travel. Problem is DIL wants to work full time and has more or less presumed we will have children 2 days per week. However we dont want to commit. We have worked hard and want to be able to have freedom to book a week in the sun and go the next day. We would of course help if we are at home but we want to live our own lives and have freedom. Her own parents never have the kids and only visit sporadically (and only live 6 miles away) and son and dil think they are wonderful but never ask them to babysit for reasons never explained. Are we being unfair?

OP posts:
MigThePig · 30/03/2019 22:43

Looking after little children all day long is exhausting, who wants to be doing that on a regular basis in their 70's for goodness sake!
People who expect grandparents to be free childminders are 100% taking the piss.
Babysitting occasionally is different but even then, shouldn't be expected or demanded.

NoShoeShops · 30/03/2019 22:56

Of course you aren’t being unfair.

How do you know they’re assuming? Why are you placing this all on your DIL and not your son?

Be honest, don’t drop hints or wait until she’s going to work full time. Sort it out early.

PregnantSea · 31/03/2019 02:04

It's weird that she would assume you will do it. Are you sure that your son hasn't told her that this would be ok? Sounds like there's more to this.

maddening · 31/03/2019 02:22

My dps don't want a regular commitment so they do 2 days a week in the school holidays - once the dgc are 3 they can go to school nursery which is term time only and make a real saving by using annual leave and dgp top up if you can help in the holidays - best of both worlds.

NameChangerAmI · 31/03/2019 07:59

OP - just state your case, and then you can stop worrying about it - hopefully you have misread the situation, and they might not be assuming anything of the sort.

I agree with others, though, if there is an assumption, please don't heap all this on your DIL, it's unlikely that she has single handedly come up with the assumption without some input from your DS.

Enjoy your retirement as you please - being able to do things on the spur of the moment is surely one of the joys of not being tied down with work.

Maybe you could offer to cover the childcare a couple of days per week during school holidays? You won't be wanting to jet off then, presumably, because of rise in prices, and everywhere swarming with school age children.

This is what I think I'll do when the time comes. I get one day off per week, but I will need that day to do housework, catch up on errands etc. However, I work in a school, and so am off every school holiday, that's when I'll be worth my weight in gold! Wink. It'll be much more fun being able to take them for days out, rather than be tied to a routine, collecting tired and grumpy children up from school and keeping them amused till they get picked up by tired and stressed out parents Grin.

Grundtal · 31/03/2019 08:07

It's incredibly helpful if grandparents can provide occasional babysitting to allow a date night or pick up a sick kid from school etc but personally I think asking for regular childcare is unacceptable. It's a big ask and a big strain. I wouldn't put it on anyone else.

Boysey45 · 31/03/2019 08:37

You haven't answered OP how your DIL has presumed?
If your psychic or a mind reader you need to tell us now!
Or are you presuming shes presuming? You could be totally wrong if shes not said anything to you specifically, they could be sorting childcare out themselves without involving you.

ForalltheSaints · 31/03/2019 09:20

YANBU as it is better to be upfront about this, but please tell your DS and DIL.

MsHopey · 31/03/2019 09:25

Problem is DIL wants to work full time and has more or less presumed we will have children 2 days per week.

It sounds like a conversation about childcare has happened and you haven't put them straight.
It seems odd you know when shes going full time and how many days she "presumes" you are going to do childcare, this could only have all been found out during a full conversation, surely? I also agree it's on your Son as well, they are his kids and most DHs would have discussed this with their wives before it got to the discussion point with you.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 31/03/2019 09:59

YANBU to not want to commit. YABU not to have made this clear as soon as you realised that you are 'in the frame' as childcare as soon as you became aware of their assumption. Your DS and DIL should not assume you will be available.

Could you order to help in a temporary basis to help cover any shortfall in the childcare arrangements already in place? Only asking as her current childcare may not have full-time availability that coincides with your DIL increasing her hours. It would have to be on the clear understanding that this would be for a limited time only.

FWIW, Dh is retired and has our dgc a couple of days a week and I help out when my work commitments allow. We love it and wouldn't want to change it. But, we are not the sort of person who wants to be jetting off, travelling at short notice. We know that if we wanted to go away, our ds and DIL would work it out to that we could do so because they recognise that the help they get from us and DILs parents is, if you like, a gift and not an obligation.

You are entitled to do exactly what you want to do. But do tell them..

ethelfleda · 31/03/2019 10:04

No YANBU. Hate it when people have children and then presume GP will look after them, this saving them £100 a week or whatever. It’s selfish. If GP are happy to provide free childcare on a regular basis then fine but I would never, ever assume!

Holidayshopping · 31/03/2019 10:06

How have they presumed?

Surely if you know they’ve said they want you to be doing two days, a conversations has taken place?

What was the conversation?
What did they say?
What did you say?
How did they respond when you said no?

I’m just wondering how it went...?

BeefTomato · 31/03/2019 16:26

YANBU to not want to commit to looking after your grandchildren several days a week.

But how do you know that your DIL has presumed that you will be doing it? What did she say? What did you say to put her straight? Do we know what has been said between your son and your wife?

If she is presuming that you will be doing regular childcare then you will have to have a conversation with her and your son, and let them know that they will have to find alternative childcare if they both want to work full time.

Kko1986 · 31/03/2019 19:16

Well done for all you have already done for them. However you have raised your children now is there time to try and work the situation.
Go travelling enjoy your retirement as you have earnt it. I am sure your son will understand you just need to sit down and talk to him.
Don't push your plans and hopes aside as you may end up resenting your son (not the grandchildren) you will always love them. But you have worked hard and now is the time for you. Be selfish if you need to be.

Ihatehashtags · 01/04/2019 06:48

What @Hogmother said. Why is it always the daughter in law who gets the blame?? I have to say because my own mother made it clear to me she never wanted to be tied down to looking after my kids permanently at any stage, I will do the opposite with my grand children. I have no issue committing to a day or two per week.

EluphNaugeMeop · 01/04/2019 06:58

You need to communicate clearly and also treat your son and dil as the united team they are rather than putting the responsibility for the things you don't like onto your dil.

I would suggest explaining that you want to find a balance between helping out and also having the freedom to enjoy retirement and therefore you don't feel able to sign up for set days of child care every week year in year out.

Something to suggest - what if you offer to split Mondays 50:50 with the other grandparents - with a general principle of alternate weeks but always the potential to make a swap if either of you wanted a free fortnight from time to time.

Agreeing to any regular slot as a sole responsibility means you never get a holiday except when your son and dil go on holiday - anyone reasonable can see that's not fair.

dragoning · 01/04/2019 06:59

YANBU. Not even a little bit U. Tell them as soon as possible.

Be prepared for pushback and practise saying confidently, 'it just won't work for us I'm afraid'.

acciocat · 01/04/2019 07:18

Nurseornot

‘YANBU but I think you should consider that this might drive a wedge between yourselves and your son/DIL.’

Only if the son and DIL are so selfish that they measure the relationship in terms of how many freebies they can get out of it.

bagpiss · 01/04/2019 07:34

What and how, was it said, that Dil presumes you'll childmind? And why wasn't it nipped in the bud at the time the assumption arose?

Rarfy · 01/04/2019 07:38

Just briefly drop into conversation as you have here that you look forward to being able to jet off on holiday at the drop of a hat with no ties or commitments.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 01/04/2019 07:53

My mum was just really up front. When I was pregnant with my first she called me and said she loved me and was excited to be a grandparent but couldn't commit to regular childcare but would love to be on hand for as hoc sitting and visits etc.

I was a little taken aback as i hadn't expected her to do any childcare but appreciated where she was coming from.

GoGoGadgetGin · 01/04/2019 07:56

Again as pp what has led to this belief? Of course you are entitled to your retirement and free time but please don't be like my 'd' p and take the piss and actually gloat about how you are not doing any babysitting because baby voice 'we is retiwered nows'. It's just annoying!

Teddyreddy · 01/04/2019 08:19

You definitely don't have to provide regular childcare if you don't want to - but it does give you a different relationship with your GC if you do it. Does your DW currently provide regular childcare and does she enjoy it? Is it an equal wish to be commitment free during retirement or does it come more from you, what has your DW said to your DIL?

We have both sides providing childcare one day a week so alternating weeks, which does mean there is cover if one side wants to go away on holiday (last minute still doesn't happen). Both sides say they really value the relationship they get from regularly spending a full day with the GC without us there as intermediaries. When the kids get older I don't think it'll matter in the same way but for under 5s it really makes a difference.

HotpotLawyer · 01/04/2019 08:21

Of course you shouldn’t be expected to do regular childcare, and you don’t have to justify it either.

However.... is it a ‘problem’ that your son works full time?? Is it just your DIL that expects the childcare that enables both her and your son to work? Or does your son not have anything to do with sitting out childcare?

Enjoy your retirement, enjoy being grandparents,step in and help when you can / want to, for example when the childminder is ill and your son finds it hard to take the day off work...

Flaverings · 01/04/2019 08:25

The obvious solution, surely, is that your son looks after your grandchild when your daughter-in-law is at work?