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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't Commit to being Babysitters - Are we being unfair?

180 replies

PeterTD1 · 30/03/2019 19:02

My wife and I are loving grandparents and love spending time with ouf son and his family. My daughter in law works part time and has childcare and my wife who also works part time often helps out. We are due to retire this year and have lots of plans especially travel. Problem is DIL wants to work full time and has more or less presumed we will have children 2 days per week. However we dont want to commit. We have worked hard and want to be able to have freedom to book a week in the sun and go the next day. We would of course help if we are at home but we want to live our own lives and have freedom. Her own parents never have the kids and only visit sporadically (and only live 6 miles away) and son and dil think they are wonderful but never ask them to babysit for reasons never explained. Are we being unfair?

OP posts:
PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 20:15

Yanbu you should probably tell your SON that he needs to sort out childcare so his wife is able to work too.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 30/03/2019 20:16

You are being more than fair just make it clear with plenty of notice so no assumptions can be incorrectly made

Grumpelstilskin · 30/03/2019 20:17

@JacquesHammer I repeat though, it is down to the parents to sort their DC's childcare and not assume!

KitKat1985 · 30/03/2019 20:21

I think you just need to make this clear in advance that this is too much of a commitment for you and you are planning to holiday a lot in retirement.

JacquesHammer · 30/03/2019 20:23

I repeat though, it is down to the parents to sort their DC's childcare and not assume

Of course it is Confused

I’ll repeat though, the sooner the OP removes themselves from the situation the better. Simply saying “we’re not doing it” then ensures the DIL WILL find childcare.

MadameAnchou · 30/03/2019 20:25

It's down to both of them to sort childcare, all you need to do is tell them, now, that you cannot commit to regular childcare and not feel guilty about it because you have no reason to.

Nurseornot · 30/03/2019 20:25

YANBU but I think you should consider that this might drive a wedge between yourselves and your son/DIL. This happened to my parents and they were very hurt (her parents were very far) and their relationship wasn't the same. I would probably also feel hurt if my in laws or parents said this, but they live in different countries so we never get help.

If possible could you have an honest conversation with them? Is it just some weeks you won't want to do it, or is it just too much work/hassle in general? If it's just the trips you want, maybe you can say when you want to do them and let them know so they can find alternative arrangements? If you don't want to do it all that's fine but they may get upset even though you are well within your right. She may not use her parents for childcare because they don't trust them like the both of you for any number of reasons. You could take that as a compliment though.

SandyY2K · 30/03/2019 20:28

Start talking about your retirement plans with glee, saying how you can't wait to be able to fly off at the drop of a hat after all these years of work.GrinGrin

Original poster
PeterTD1 · 30/03/2019 20:33

No, not at all.

OP posts:
BuildingQuote · 30/03/2019 20:39

You are being really sensible to say something and just communicate clearly that your retirement plans didn’t include looking after the grandchildren. You can presumably stress that they still mean a lot to you and that you just want to be free when you retire. Anyone should respect that I hope!

DrWhy · 30/03/2019 20:39

My MIL lives too far away to help us routinely with childcare but has my nephew 1 day a week. However, my nephew is also in nursery 2 days a week and can pick up an extra day a week easily so when my PIL want a last minute break or in one occasion trek halfway up the country to help us out then DN just goes into nursery an extra day. So the flexibility is entirely possible, however if you don’t want to do it just make that clear now.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 30/03/2019 20:47

YANBU at all.

You do need to make it clear though, with absolutely no room for ambiguity or hearing what they want to hear. You love your darling grandchildren but you will not be available for babysitting because you have other plans and this is what you've worked your whole life for. That's what my parents did with my sibling when they first had children - my parents rolled back a bit over the years, because it suited them, but they didn't want there to be any assumption that they'd be providing childcare.

Dimsumlosesum · 30/03/2019 20:58

YANBU. At all. Really pisses me off when people expect the grandparents to take care of their children for them.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 30/03/2019 21:04

You are totally right to your own time. That’s what retirement is for. You have worked hard and brought up your children.
For what it’s worth, my parents only looked after my children once or twice in their lives (DCs are now in their late 20s), they loved the children but they had “done their bit” bringing up us. DHs parents did likewise- they lived further away though. We never thought that they should have done more, not did it change the love we had for them.
I worked full time as did DH. We just had to factor in (very expensive) full time child care from the end of my maternity leave. Our children, our pleasure and problem, not theirs

This. Do not feel guilty,

MNers will tell you that when you have sex to procreate (whether or not you intended to conceive) you should be thinking about your grandchildren that may or may not appear in the next 30-40 years or so and are selfish if you don't put them first at every turn.

To which I say, cobblers. Do what suits you. You can choose to have children. Your children choose to have children and have to take responsibility. If you want to help, fine. If you don't, or not as often as they want, also fine.

Drum2018 · 30/03/2019 21:19

Do not feel a bit guilty. You've reared your kids - job done. Start talking about your travel plans, things you both plan to do when you're retired and hopefully they will cop on that you will not be available to provide childcare. They had the kids, it's on them to sort out appropriate care. It's not up to grandparents to pick up the slack. By all means be available for a night they might want to go out, or on a Saturday afternoon if they want to go shopping or do a bit of DIY, go to a wedding etc, but outside of that it's up to them to raise their kids.

EncroachingLoaf · 30/03/2019 21:27

Isn't it always the same, the Father works full time and that's not even an issue, it's only the Mother's work that creates the need for childcare

Fucking this. Couldn't agree more.

Veterinari · 30/03/2019 21:44

Problem is DIL wants to work full time and has more or less presumed we will have children 2 days per week.

Where’s Your DS in all this? Why isn’t He caring for his own children? I assume his job is not a barrier to childcare?
If you’re unable to offer childcare why hasn’t your DS mentioned this to his wife?

It seems an odd marriage where your DS is unable to parent his own children or communicate with his own wife? Does he have any underlying issues we should be aware of? You mention your son so I assume your DIL is not a single parent?

flowery · 30/03/2019 21:47

How do you know she has ‘presumed’ and what makes you think she’s the only one doing the presuming? If your DS isn’t presuming you have no problem, do you? If he is, speak to him. Why is the issue with her, not him?

When DIL said something which indicated to you that they were presuming, what did you say? That was your moment to draw the line, right then!

anniehm · 30/03/2019 21:51

No, it's perfectly understandable you don't want regular commitment but instead say you will be there to help out from time to time eg when the kids are sick and can't go to nursery

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 30/03/2019 21:59

My parents are retired,both mid 60s.They dote on my ds 5 but on their own terms,they have him over night every month or so IF they don't have plans socially,they go on holiday when they please and so they should,they are grandparents it's supposed to be the easy job.

ShadowMane · 30/03/2019 22:02

have you actually spoken to DIL about this?

BackforGood · 30/03/2019 22:12

YANBU to not want to be childminders.

Can you clarify where the 'thinking she is presuming' has come from?

If she (or your ds) talk about DiL returning to FT work, then ask what they are going to do for childcare.
If they don't, then just drop into conversaton how you are looking forwards to going away much more once you are retired, etc.

Catinthetwat · 30/03/2019 22:25

'YANBU. At all. Really pisses me off when people expect the grandparents to take care of their children for them.'

Why?

We get zero help from grandparents and I resent it tbh. I know I'll get called entitled etc. for saying that, but it's true. So op, my advice is this, do not passive aggressively drop into the conversation how much your looking forward to your numerous holidays.

GPatz · 30/03/2019 22:34

'YANBU. At all. Really pisses me off when people expect the grandparents to take care of their children for them.'

Which I agree with, although I am reminded that both my DM and my MIL/FIL expected and accepted significant help from their parents in raising their own families. However, that was probably more typical back then than it is now and DH and myself didn't even have a discussion with DM or MIL/FIL about providing regular childcare, as it as important to both DH and I that we could have reliable childcare, which we knew we wouldn't get from freshly retired MIL/FIL and full time working DM.

Grumpelstilskin · 30/03/2019 22:35

@Catinthetwat Yes, you do sound like an entitled brat. Your kids, your responsibility! They owe you fuck all!