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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't Commit to being Babysitters - Are we being unfair?

180 replies

PeterTD1 · 30/03/2019 19:02

My wife and I are loving grandparents and love spending time with ouf son and his family. My daughter in law works part time and has childcare and my wife who also works part time often helps out. We are due to retire this year and have lots of plans especially travel. Problem is DIL wants to work full time and has more or less presumed we will have children 2 days per week. However we dont want to commit. We have worked hard and want to be able to have freedom to book a week in the sun and go the next day. We would of course help if we are at home but we want to live our own lives and have freedom. Her own parents never have the kids and only visit sporadically (and only live 6 miles away) and son and dil think they are wonderful but never ask them to babysit for reasons never explained. Are we being unfair?

OP posts:
Vulpine · 01/04/2019 08:28

I'm not planning on being regular childcare for my grandkids when the time comes

acciocat · 01/04/2019 08:29

I think the quality of the grandparent/ grandchild relationship is about so much more than whether the grandparents are providing some free childcare.

I had a very special relationship with my own grandparents, who actually lived 100 miles away. Going to stay there in holidays (with my parents when I was small and later on alone) was incredibly special and I treasure the memories. I doubt the relationship would have been any better if they’d been along the road and picking me up from school twice a week. In fact thinking of some of the weary looking gp’s with various grandchildren in tow that I used to see at playgroups and on the school run, I’m sure some gps are doing it out of a sense of duty rather than genuine free will.

It speaks volumes when posters suggest that the relationship might suffer if the grandparents aren’t basically tied to regular childcare commitments. Helping out in emergencies or occasional childcare is different. But anything regular is a huge commitment... after all, you’re tied to work hours, and you’re actually doing a demanding job because looking after small children is all consuming.

Holidayshopping · 01/04/2019 08:35

Presumably they know not to rely on her parents for childcare as the parents have said they don’t want to do it!

Have you said this?

Happynow001 · 01/04/2019 08:48

@PeterTD1
How much have you discussed this with your wife? Are the two of you in clear agreement on your retirement plans and managing the expectations of your son and DIL?

It's best to present a united front to avoid any misunderstandings caused because, for example, someone was being non-committal or otherwise accidentally giving the impression that this is an arrangement which will work for you all.

If you have not already had an open conversation with your wife now is the time to do so in order that you can both let your son and DIL know that you cannot take on this regular commitment (however much you love your grandchild(ren). Let them know as soon as possible so they can make alternative arrangements.

Good luck with your retirement OP. It sounds like you've both worked hard to deserve it.

Roussette · 01/04/2019 08:57

It speaks volumes when posters suggest that the relationship might suffer if the grandparents aren’t basically tied to regular childcare commitments

This with knobs on. I'm amazed at the expectation that when you retire you don't have a life to live after working and you should commit to childcare because if you don't, you will be driving a wedge between you and your children.

I and DH are now retired, our kids are adult, but no GC yet. I will be as supportive and do ad hoc looking after when (or if!) that time comes but I will not be looking after GC on a regular basis, because my DH is older than me and to put it bluntly we only have a certain left together and whilst we are fit and healthy we want to explore the world. I can't imagine my unselfish DCs thinking this is wrong.

Roussette · 01/04/2019 08:58

*we only have a certain time left together

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:03

I can’t even comprehend this. The main reason I’m not downsizing my house and am re organising my garden is in anticipation of the grandchildren coming to stay and play and my youngest is 8 🤣
I think it’s the best gift you can give your child ie your son to help raise his children in a living safe environment. I’ve used so many child care options myself, it’s more than a mortgage for most people. And not always kind environment to your grandchildren. I just don’t get why jetting off is more important personally

pinkyredrose · 01/04/2019 09:10

Inliverpool1 seriously?

Roussette · 01/04/2019 09:11

Because Inliverpool, we had DCs late in life and we want that window of opportunity to travel. That is not saying we won't be hands on. We will. When it happens, I would like to think we will have GCs overnight, see them as regularly as possible, stand in when they're sick etc but no way will I be committing to childcare week in week out.

By the time we have GCs I reckon my DH will be mid seventies, it's a lot to ask.

Oldbutstillgotit · 01/04/2019 09:12

@inliverpool1 that is so easy to say when you are young ! I thought similar when I was younger but having retired recently at age 64 I feel differently. I am fit and healthy for my age but after working for 40+ years , I am enjoying having time to do what I want and go where I want . I have always been , and continue to be, a very involved Granny to DGS ; he usually stays with us when DD is away ( cabin crew ) but I do relish time to myself even if it is only to sit and read a book or watch re runs of Poirot !
I have a friend who retired to help out with her DGD . There are now 4 DGC she is expected to look after and she is exhausted!!
OP ( if you ever come back ) you are not selfish but you need to be clear about your plans and stop blaming your DIL!

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:13

Absolutely!
Maybe I see things differently but my kids are my world. Ive travelled with them, we’ve seen a lot of the world and it’s wonderful but it’s not comparable to hanging out with the kids at home. My plan is to have a holiday home in Spain and the grandchildren will be welcome there each summer.
Literally every parent at my children’s school who are happy successful not up to their eyes in debt and stress written all over their faces have very involved parents/grandparents. Why wouldn’t you want that for your child/children

HappyGoGoLucky · 01/04/2019 09:13

No!

I know so many people who send their child(ten) to their grandmas who are in their 70s/80s and I just don't know how they do it! Especially when they tell me that they're ill. I feel so sorry for them :o(

You're not being unfair. It's their children, not yours. DIL will have to deal with childcare herself.

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:15

I purposely had my children young to make sure I had the energy and the inclination ... I see it already with ex’s new wife 52 and hardly moves her arse off the chair already. Children keep you young.

Vulpine · 01/04/2019 09:15

I've spent years looking after kids I gave birth to. I'm not going to spend another 10 or so years on top of that looking after kids I did not.

thebabessavedme · 01/04/2019 09:16

I have taken care of my dgs when dd returned to work, I agreed the days and times and was very happy to do it, I will now help out in the holidays as I like to have him, we do have a very close relationship and I cherish him, however, I do have a thing called 'my life' Grin which my dd recognises and would not expect me to drop everything/anything if I have plans - I am his nana, not his parent! (thank god! he kills me!)

I never expected my dm to drop everything although she helped me a great deal and I was very grateful to her, I just follow the example she set.

mummmy2017 · 01/04/2019 09:16

Inliverpool your funny, your going to have a holiday home in Spain, so really your not planing to do summers are you, as you will be too far away.

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:17

mummmy2017 - I’ll only go to Spain if the kids come too, why wouldn’t they ?

Roussette · 01/04/2019 09:18

I used to work in retail. The number of GPs I saw trailing round the shops, looking absolutely exhausted with GCs in tow. I know someone who has their GCs five days a week full time, she is driving herself into an early grave.

Inliverpool I imagine you are much much younger than my DH and me. BTW my kids are my world too, that is not exclusive to you!

thebabessavedme · 01/04/2019 09:19

btw, Im currently laying in bed Shock as we had him this weekend and were up yesterday at about 4 in the morning, I'm bloody knackered today!

mummmy2017 · 01/04/2019 09:20

So if you have 4 grandchildren. One is in nappies mum won't let baby fly with you, will you stay home with all four all summer.
By the way I would not let an under 6 go without me..

acciocat · 01/04/2019 09:20

InLiverpool1 - wow! You sound very heavily invested in future ‘maybes’ considering you’re at the stage of having young children.

What if none of your kids want kids of their own? It’s fairly common now for people to remain childfree. What if they do have children but prefer the structure and stimulation of nursery rather than using you for childcare? What if they want to choose where they go on holiday rather than going to the holiday home in Spain that you’re already planning?

Gosh. There’s being supportive and then there’s being Uber controlling. I’d hate to think that my adult children felt obliged to shape their lives to fit expectations I’d held since they were small.

Roussette · 01/04/2019 09:21

I purposely had my children young to make sure I had the energy and the inclination

Lucky you.Hmm
No everyone was in that position. I met my DH later in life and had DCs later too.

Yes, children keep you young but you are making out that everyone can choose to marry at 23 and have kids at 24. Life is not like that for everyone.

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:22

mummmy2017 - I don’t think we can cover every scenario in one thread and if mum won’t let anything at all then that’s her decision but the offer is there.

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 09:24

acciocat - interesting perspective. My children may not have children, may want to live at the other end of the country. But they have the option and always will have. Funnily enough as a close family they tend to choose to be nearish as they feel welcome and it makes sense to be where the support is. But pick that to pieces if it makes you feel better

Witchofzog · 01/04/2019 09:25

5 pages in and the op has posted 4 words in response to everyone's questions. Threads like this are really annoying Hmm