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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't Commit to being Babysitters - Are we being unfair?

180 replies

PeterTD1 · 30/03/2019 19:02

My wife and I are loving grandparents and love spending time with ouf son and his family. My daughter in law works part time and has childcare and my wife who also works part time often helps out. We are due to retire this year and have lots of plans especially travel. Problem is DIL wants to work full time and has more or less presumed we will have children 2 days per week. However we dont want to commit. We have worked hard and want to be able to have freedom to book a week in the sun and go the next day. We would of course help if we are at home but we want to live our own lives and have freedom. Her own parents never have the kids and only visit sporadically (and only live 6 miles away) and son and dil think they are wonderful but never ask them to babysit for reasons never explained. Are we being unfair?

OP posts:
newtlover · 30/03/2019 19:39

I'd have a lot more sympathy if you hadn't told us that DIL wants to work full time
Presumably your son works full time, or he'd be available for childcare?

YANBU to decline to provide free child care (of course you could research what the local rate is and say you'd be happy to do it if they're going to pay/

It never goes well anyway, see many threads on here where parents take advantage f GPs like this and then are unhappy because GPs follow their own and not the parents' preferences in child rearing

Member984815 · 30/03/2019 19:41

Say no now , I got sucked into minding my db child for a while , the timing didn't suit my own life , my own kids suffered for it and I felt like I couldn't do things that I normally would have done

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 30/03/2019 19:41

Does your son have any input into the care of his children?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 30/03/2019 19:42

You're not being unreasonable, but why are you pinning this on her?

C0untDucku1a · 30/03/2019 19:43

Be an occasionally babysitter, not a childcare provider. They can find a nursery.

NewSchoolNewName · 30/03/2019 19:45

YANBU, you need to have a conversation with your DS & DIL sooner rather than later and make your position absolutely clear, so that they can sort out alternative childcare before DIL goes full time.

mummmy2017 · 30/03/2019 19:46

Tell them you feel they should share the load between grandparents, but that for the next few years after retirement you think her parents should help.. .

HollowTalk · 30/03/2019 19:46

I'd just say that you can't and maybe she should ask her own mum.

HollowTalk · 30/03/2019 19:46

And dad!

Boysey45 · 30/03/2019 19:47

What has DIL said exactly? how do you mean she's presumed?
You need to tell them both straight now that you wont be able to do it due to travel etc and that both of them need to look into childminders/nurseries etc.

SlackerMum1 · 30/03/2019 19:52

Not unreasonable at all. But sounds like you need to get it out in the open now so your DS and DIL can adjust their expectations. For no other reason than because it could all get a bit acrimonious if they assume this (unreasonable to ask in my view let alone assume...) and then you say no and they don’t have a plan b.

I’ve never really understood this expectation. My DM is awesome and has been a massive support to both me and DB with our kids. DB in particular has had some tough times as a single parent as she has totally stepped up every time. She jumps in at the drop of a hat for sick days, school holiday emergencies, babysitting etc. But that’s all still very different to expecting free childcare a set number of days per week and tying her down from enjoying her retirement.

Userisi · 30/03/2019 19:52

God no, no nip this in the bud NOW. I hope my children never presume this of me, I was never cut out to be a SAHM so I certainly don't have plans to be SAHGM!!!!!!

Doilooklikeatourist · 30/03/2019 19:57

Don’t commit
Tell them ASAP
Childcare has always been expensive , which is why lots of us older mums didn’t go back to work until the children were at school
I will , of course help my DC out when I can ( if they have children ) but like you I want to live my own life

SurgeHopper · 30/03/2019 20:01

You're kidding, right?

Sarahjconnor · 30/03/2019 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saracen · 30/03/2019 20:01

Agree with everyone else - you need to let them know ASAP that you have other plans. It will be nice if you can help them out occasionally in a crisis, e.g. kids have chicken pox and nursery won't have them.

Looking after grandchildren is not something you and your DW have to do.

This doesn't have to be awkward, but if the misunderstanding continues too long then it will be a problem.

EvaHarknessRose · 30/03/2019 20:02

Ask what they will do for childcare when both working full time and when you can no longer help out.

Best just talk to your son really. Maybe ask if he is planning to go part time.

JacquesHammer · 30/03/2019 20:05

YANBU.

An odd ad-hoc bit of babysitting to help out if you’re free is reasonable to expect.

Committing to long-term childcare isn’t.

Make sure you make it very clear to them ASAP.

watsmyname · 30/03/2019 20:07

My dh always assumes his parents would be happy to do childcare but I'm saying no as I don't want my children to feel like a burden to them. Check with your son what he's been thinking.

likeridingabike · 30/03/2019 20:09

Isn't it always the same, the Father works full time and that's not even an issue, it's only the Mother's work that creates the need for childcare.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 30/03/2019 20:09

Has she actually asked you to do this/stated she thinks you'll be doing this? And if so, what did you say to her? And what have you said to your son?

Just say you and your wife will be looking forward to some down time, the ability to travel when you want to, and will be looking for last minute deals to do so. You can always offer emergency child care if you're available, etc., but don't be bullied into doing this.

Are DIL's parents retired as well? Or are they still working. That could also explain the perceived difference in treatment...

badg3r · 30/03/2019 20:11

Isn't it always the same, the Father works full time and that's not even an issue, it's only the Mother's work that creates the need for childcare.

This x1000. The problem is the line of communication is through your son.

Grumpelstilskin · 30/03/2019 20:12

Sorry but why does OP need to say anything! It's not down to the grandparents to manage childcare. If SIL and their DS want to both work full time, the onus is on them to sort out a childminder etc.

Cornishclio · 30/03/2019 20:14

I am not sure why you think they are expecting you to provide childcare if you have not had a conversation about it. My DH and I are recently retired and do one day a week childcare for our DDs two children but I did that before retiring. Most of our friends who are retired with grandchildren locally do the same with some doing more than one day. I understand what you say about wanting to take off at a moments notice and I suppose it depends on how important that is to you. We do short breaks to work around our childcare days and if we book a holiday our DD makes other arrangements so it has not curtailed us and we love having a close relationship with our DGDs. In a few years they will be in school so we can have all the short notice holidays we want then. That is totally our choice though and you are entitled to say no especially if your DILs parents don't help out.

JacquesHammer · 30/03/2019 20:15

Sorry but why does OP need to say anything! It's not down to the grandparents to manage childcare

Because if as in the OP the DIL has assumed they’ll take care of childcare, the OP & his wife need to disabuse her of the notion to ensure she looks for adequate childcare.

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