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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be prematurely pissed off about Mothers day?

163 replies

SongforSal · 30/03/2019 18:27

We have 2 teen DC'S. The eldest came back from Uni a couple of days ago.

I work full time, I also do 100% of the cooking and the majority of the housework. DH will wash the dinner things up maybe 3 times a week at a push.

I am flat out fucking exhausted. I ensure the house is clean, everyone has nutritious meals. During work hours I liaise with the youngest school at least 3 times per week as he has special needs. I make meal plans each week for us, and also send a food shop to our eldest at Uni. I pay the bills, budget our money, sort all areas of finance.

Today I got up at 7.30 am (my biggest lay in in a long time!) after a particularly shocking and long day at work yesterday and cooked up a fanfare for my family and parents, and have been hosting all day. After giving my mother gifts as I wont see her tomorrow DH tells me he has not got me anything for tomorrow so don't be disappointed, nor has he arranged anything as he has been too busy with work and has been preoccupied with getting a new car. He then tells me 'Well you aren't my mother'.

I expect I will get a card of the DC's....Other than that, tomorrow will be spent with me ironing, making the youngest lunchbox for school. Cooking a roast dinner and washing up, washing, cleaning the bathroom and all the other shit work.

I'm not mad I haven't any gifts, but seriously! A bit of thought? It's not even like we are strapped for cash and that's a consideration. After tomorrows over and I have facilitated everyone I am back to work again for the week.

Would it be unreasonable to fuck of for the day tomorrow and leave them to it?

OP posts:
GuineaPiglet345 · 31/03/2019 18:03

A) Why are you doing all that stuff? you don’t have to. Make the other members of the family pull their weight.

B) Firmly set your expectations with your children or you’ll always be disappointed, so say to the eldest it’s mothers day next week, I expect you to organise the younger ones and I expect flower/chocolates/card/whatever.

Sara107 · 31/03/2019 18:04

Children do the Mothers Day things surely, not the husband? Mine has brought back cards/ crafty things from when she was in nursery. Child at uni should be doing his own shopping, how will he learn to budget and cater for himself otherwise? Op says they are not short of money so maybe she could reduce her working hours a bit and share the chores with DH more, allowing her more time for herself all the time not just one day a year.

Tiggy321 · 31/03/2019 18:07

OP this sounds like me... I don’t know why I do all that I do plus work 40hrs a week. I think I am a control freak and no one can match my standards. Hope you went out for lunch or did something nice for yourself. We need to learn to delegate!

Inertia · 31/03/2019 18:17

I hope the reason you've not returned to the thread is because you've either been whisked off by your family for a fabulous day out, or you've taken yourself off for a day out.

ToftyAC · 31/03/2019 18:21

I’m in a semi similar situation OP. But my DP made sure the housework was done, he cooked a banging Sunday chicken dinner and generally let me sit my fat arse down. You DH is being a massively selfish arse!

TooOldForThisUrgh · 31/03/2019 18:29

I hear you OP! My husband says the same thing word for word about me not being his mother, so it’s not his problem and why should he bother! He works all the time and is too busy anyway, to be fair. Not one of my kids have acknowledged it at all though and that’s a shame. The school doesn’t do anything because there are a few kids without mums who live with them and they’ve had complaints in the past. I’m not too bothered this year as I’m used to it now, but in previous years I have been very upset. It’s just life! Some women are so lucky to be married to men who are interested in them and appreciate what they do for the children, others just can’t be bothered. I suppose you could say it’s all commercial now anyway and that it’s not any different to Valentine’s Day!

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/03/2019 18:30

Planet Martyr is not a good place. Fuck off out and leave them to it....

soldier24148250 · 31/03/2019 18:48

Cannot see why your husband should give you anything if you are not his mother. Different if children are young, then obviously get something and a card and get kids to sign it. As for you always doing everything, well that needs sorting for every day of the year.

Acis · 31/03/2019 18:48

He proclaims he gets home from work to late. I start an hour earlier than him, he gets home an hour after I do.

FFS. Proclaim to him that he works no longer than you do, and from now on he's going to do his fair share of the housework. Failing that, stop cooking and washing for him.

cheapskatemum · 31/03/2019 18:53

Haven’t read the whole thread, but you could point out to your DH that you might not be his Mother, but you are the Mother of his children, (before you go off & enjoy yourself for the day).

WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/03/2019 19:03

Happy mothers day OP - I hope you did decide to go into London to catch a show and have some time to yourself.
I 100000% agree with whichever previous poster suggest that the response to "You're not my mother" is "Precisely, which is why, from now on, I will no longer 'mother' you. You can expect to wash your own clothes, cook your own meals and generally look after yourself as you're not my child" and generally cut back on everything that you're doing for him.

I do hope you managed to catch a lovely show (do come back and let us know which one and if you would recommend going to see it).

dragonsfire · 31/03/2019 19:04

Hope you ended up having a nice day.

You need to stop this cycle, stop sending food to child at Uni and get a cleaner instead!

Then get a rota as the DC and DH can be helping out at home more - you work full time you to his excuse is disgusting!

gayandokay · 31/03/2019 19:06

Come and be my mum please OP

Ticketybootoo · 31/03/2019 19:17

Do it . It is from experience the only way . I have been overwhelmed with caring for immediate family doing all the chores for so long including being stressed from work issues and lost it recently at all my family .
They are now in ‘ domestic training ‘ as I call it and are going to be expected to do their own washing some of the cooking , tidying rooms , dishwasher loading and unloading etc . I think I have to be prepared to leave them without clean uniforms/ work clothes etc but I am determined things will change or I will be Shirley Valentining it 😁
Good Luck to you too 💐

XingMing · 31/03/2019 19:24

I get all the caveats, but my DH and DS have just been to visit DMIL, who is nearly 90, 350 miles away, and with accelerating dementia. I would have gone too, except that our dog was in an RTA last weekend, and wasn't okay for 12 hours in a car. I sent them with bedlinen as DMIL couldn't cope with that, and have laundered everything that came home. Now I am peevish that noone has acknowledged what I did to make their visit work, not a thank you and certainly no bouquet of daffs. I sent the flowers DMIL received yesterday FFS, organised weeks ago. I'm the grown up here and am not going to make waves, but I feel a bit... shortchanged?

Time40 · 31/03/2019 19:45

You're doing far too much for everyone, OP. Why on earth are you food shopping for your adult child who's at uni? Seriously, why? You have definitely made a rod for your own back. Just drop some of the cooking, and get a cleaner.

And I agree with your DH - you are not his mother.

ZforZack · 31/03/2019 19:58

I hope you have managed a lovely relaxed day Op !💐

Ilovemypantry · 31/03/2019 20:01

So what happened today OP...do tell!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 31/03/2019 20:01

I hope you had a good day and managed to go to London.

I’ve had dumped the ironing at his feet and a list of jobs that need to be done that day and announced, that as I’m not your mother, you can sort your owns shit out tomorrow, I’m off out for the day, I’ll be back at 6 and will expect a roast dinner when I get home

OJZJ · 31/03/2019 20:33

Well OP, after yesterday's VERY valid rant, did you bugger off for the day? Or had they secretly surprised you?

Thehappygardener · 31/03/2019 20:56

My husband, who was a widower with three teenage children when we met, gave me flowers and a card today to thank me generally and as a sign of appreciation.

Your husband could easily have thanked you, and I hope he did, for being a mother to your children. He could buy a card and a present, flowers etc, from almost anywhere this morning. Does he expect anything on Fathers Day? Anyway, hope you had a lovely day, and more good days to come 🌺✅

jwpetal · 31/03/2019 21:19

My jaw dropped. I can't believe you do so much. It really reads like you need some balance in your life, let some of the work you do go and make your own special time and place. This is not bad for the others. They can learn to be independent and hopefully realise all that you do. This might a wake up call to chart your new path to living life for you and letting you enjoy life.

MIlesdavis · 31/03/2019 21:58

You're an amazing mother and a great person. Happy Mothers' Day to you.

You should take some time off FOR YOU, to do something you like FOR YOU. And also round up your DH and DC for a few home truths. You do everything out of love, but they need to know it's important to you that they appreciate it. You should't have to point it out, but you are so good at doing so many things by the sounds of it that it's all become a bit invisible to them. And that's not right.

proudbrows · 31/03/2019 22:29

What did you do in the end, OP?

SuspiciouslyMinded · 01/04/2019 00:16

Everyone has to do chores like making packed lunches and ironing at the weekend! That is just life

Seriously Christine?! That’s not just life. I don’t do any of these things, and I’m a single mother of three children, working part-time, with no cleaner. I’m sure I’m not the only one - so no, not everybody.

surely if you are in a partnership/ marriage, you check the other person is ok to have the kids before you take off for the day.

It’s not partnership if one person does everything and the other does nothing. Does OP’s husband check with her if she’s fine to stay with the kids whenever he has to go out? I wonder.

OP, definitely go out for a day.