AIBU to be prematurely pissed off about Mothers day?

[SongforSal]

We have 2 teen DC'S. The eldest came back from Uni a couple of days ago.

I work full time, I also do 100% of the cooking and the majority of the housework. DH will wash the dinner things up maybe 3 times a week at a push.

I am flat out fucking exhausted. I ensure the house is clean, everyone has nutritious meals. During work hours I liaise with the youngest school at least 3 times per week as he has special needs. I make meal plans each week for us, and also send a food shop to our eldest at Uni. I pay the bills, budget our money, sort all areas of finance.

Today I got up at 7.30 am (my biggest lay in in a long time!) after a particularly shocking and long day at work yesterday and cooked up a fanfare for my family and parents, and have been hosting all day. After giving my mother gifts as I wont see her tomorrow DH tells me he has not got me anything for tomorrow so don't be disappointed, nor has he arranged anything as he has been too busy with work and has been preoccupied with getting a new car. He then tells me 'Well you aren't my mother'.

I expect I will get a card of the DC's....Other than that, tomorrow will be spent with me ironing, making the youngest lunchbox for school. Cooking a roast dinner and washing up, washing, cleaning the bathroom and all the other shit work.

I'm not mad I haven't any gifts, but seriously! A bit of thought? It's not even like we are strapped for cash and that's a consideration. After tomorrows over and I have facilitated everyone I am back to work again for the week.

Would it be unreasonable to fuck of for the day tomorrow and leave them to it?

Everyone has to do chores like making packed lunches and ironing at the weekend! That is just life . As for juggling work with family finances and housework, it's just part of being an adult surely. If your other half isn't pulling his weight, tell him. But I would personally think my husband was a bit of a drama queen if he flounced off to London to see a show with no prior warning just to prove a point. Sorry, just my opinion but surely if you are in a partnership/ marriage, you check the other person is ok to have the kids before you take off for the day.

Bloody hell. Why are you shopping fir your uni Dc? My DC are at uni and they do their own food shopping.

Also why are you doing the bulk of the housework? Surely you and and DH should have equal amounts of leisure time.

Stop doing more than your fair share.

Good grief OP - definitely go to London. I’m currently 8 months pregnant and my DH just anxiously checked that I’m not upset that he hasn’t got me a card from the bump! I looked at him a bit blankly and confirmed that I was not expecting anything from our unborn baby, but I love that he’d actually thought of it. You deserve that level of thought too, but it sounds like your DH and DC need a bit of a wake up call to get there.

Oh and yes, you should be able to get something last minute tomorrow from the TKTS boot.

You're doing too much. No one does ironing any more (not in this house anyway). Dc at uni should be self catering. There's no point doing all this, just to feel martyred afterwards. Take the day off, do something lovely, and tell the family they're looking after themselves tomorrow.

officiallondontheatre.com/tkts/ shows you what the half price ticket booth has - although you could also do cinema, wander round fortnum and masons, brunch somewhere nice??

You making a martyr of yourself isn't going to help anyone. The other members of your household are perfectly capable of doing these things for themselves. Why are you lowering yourself to the role of slave / skivvy / servant?
These are choices that YOU have made so stop blaming others.

You absolutely should leave them to it tomorrow and go and do what you like. Maybe write a list of all the jobs that you would have done tomorrow and all those that need doing. No reason why you need to worry about your DC's packed lunch when your DH could deal with it. Give this list to your DH and maybe even add a note about how you feel. They all need to understand how exhausted and under appreciated you are and that things are going to change from now on.

The dc's should be doing stuff ! They should cook you dinner etc and fetching a couple of bunches of daffodils is within even a student's budget. It's not your dh's job now they are old enough to shop for themselves (though my dc's badger their father for cash!)

Don’t really understand why you do all these things? Get a rota started for housework and if it’s not done then change the WiFi password and don’t give it out until chores have been done. Your ds at uni is more than capable of being self sufficient and like others have said, you’re not doing him any favours doing it for him. He needs to learn to budget and he’s not gonna if mummy does his food shop for him. I presume you do washing too. Let him learn some life skills so he doesn’t expect his poor future wife to be his surrogate mother.

It does suck about mother’s day. No you’re not his mother so ask him why you end up doing his laundry, cooking and cleaning like his mum! Put your foot down and split chores 50 percent, with your kids doing their own tasks. Unless you actually like being a martyr? They don’t do it because you do it. They’re not going to suddenly start doing anything unless you go on strike.

I might add I'm not expecting anything tomorrow as dd2 is at boarding school (she may call me I suppose) dd1 has promised the free daffodils from church because she has no money until she gets paid (student) and we have to go hospital visiting but dh won't expect me to cook, we'll either eat out or get take away

Do no more for your eldest and husband and tell them exactly why.

Sort you out, and your child with additional needs, of course. No more ironing their stuff and preparing their food.

the teens are old enough to take care a card/gift. whay are you expecting anything from your dh? hes right you are not his mother.

Your DH sounds like he has been a poor role model for the DC’s ( with regard to respecting the household and mucking in ) and unfortunately you have enabled it. Time to make permanent changes, not just one day.

Apart from DH supporting DC to get presents, would you expect a present from him also?

Its seriously shit that your dh cant make an effort and you elder dc too, and i agree with pp that say you definately need to stop doing all of the housework and running around.

I also get annoyed by people who always post on these kind of threads ‘ that its just another day’ because it really doesn't cost much to make someone feel loved and appreciated on the one day dedicated to mothers.

Having said that though i do think that most mums, me included, will still be putting a wash on and getting stuff ready for school etc..!

Hope you have a nice day op, whatever you decide to do

All the while you don’t say anything, you’re giving the message that is ok to act like this. Firstly, your DC at Uni can shop for himself. All the time you are pander to him, he’ll never learn and think this is ok behaviour. Secondly, when he’s at home he needs to muck in with the chores; and clean the bathroom, or Hoover, or put the laundry on. Don’t cook a roast tomorrow. Sod them, they won’t die.

I think you have a right to be unhappy about the current situation.

However this is more than about a day.

You should not be sorting out shopping for uni child. It sounds like he is home every weekend, Does he not contribute to the household... sometimes it does make sense first one in starts dinner but why doesn't he cook at the weekend. Do his share of the housework? Some households do work though with one does the cooking, one does something else.

I think the point he isn't your DS is very true so he needs to start acting like one.

The children equally should of been taught by you or dad to do there share.

My DS (SN's) does make me a cuppa , he definitely helps with the jobs has today and has asked me what my favourite meal is for tea tomorrow.

You are been taken for granted.But you need to have a grown up conversation with everyone in the house. Even child with SN's need to learn independence . My DS is dreadful at washing dishes, so I make him regularly wash dishes as he needs the practise.

Who knows the ins and outs of other people's lives....

I do too much to streamline my DH and DS lives, but I don't "work" for real money now, though at one stage I was the main breadwinner, pre-maternity. I'm the oil in the family machine that makes our life run smoothly, and I am much older than most here. Having organised mother's day gifts for my DM (happily) and DMIL (who is consumed by dementia and won't get it at all) I'd like a card and flowers. But I may well be cooking! And TBH, it really doesn't bother me at all.

but surely if you are in a partnership/ marriage, you check the other person is ok to have the kids before you take off for the day.

But the point is, there's not much of a 'partnership' going on here is there?

@SongforSal

I'm clearly having a little pity party and have made a rod for my own back.

Honestly OP you really HAVE made a rod for your own back - why have you allowed this to happen?

Sometimes the more you do, the more people let you do and, sadly, the less you are appreciated as people know you'll get things done and they don't need to bother.

Perhaps you should step back and cut your workload and let people know what you will not be doing as frequently as you are doing it. You already have a demanding full time job bringing in an income, as well as your husband, so talk to your family and delegate jobs as appropriate: laundry, ironing, vacuuming, preparing meals, supermarket shop for your DC at university, etc.

Eg if someone isn't prepared to do laundry or ironing they go without clean or ironed clothes.

If necessary (though you shouldn't have to) agree a rota and insist people pull their weight - and that definitely includes your husband. Can your child with SEN do more (I'm unsure what degree of SEN is involved.)

If you're someone who likes everything to be perfect then lower your standards a bit to acknowledge that people may not do things as well as you do and for the sake of your own long term health.

Taking most of tomorrow off for yourself sounds great. Even if you don't take in a show you can visit an art gallery, museum, etc. London has lots going on. Have lunch out somewhere and treat yourself.

Build in time going forward just for yourself: swimming, book a massage, Zumba, meet a friend for coffee, etc.

I'm sure you'll get pushback but stick to your guns and stop allowing yourself to be the background workhorse.

Good luck OP - and I hope you have a great day tomorrow- whatever it's called! 🌹

If I were you OP, I would be staying in bed in the morning, until you naturally wake.

Husband makes breakfast. Husband gets youngest ready for the day. Husband makes the roast (or takes you out for food). Husband and eldest tackle the housework while you chill on the sofa. You all snuggle up together and watch something nice, or you all go for a nice walk together etc.

Your mothers day sounds like the ones I used to have when I was a single parent.

The OP sounds like a very tidy person. So to the others they will look at the bathroom and think it looks clean. They don’t see the need to clean it. So it won’t be Done.

It’s not a day off. It’s postponing the work.

For the record your DH is right - you aren't his mother. If your DC's were little it would be different but they aren't. They are old enough to get you a card themselves.

If they don't do it then it's not your DH's fault. I'd be a bit put out though as it isn't hard to get someone a Mother's Day card. The adverts are everywhere, it's not like you'd easily forget to buy one.

As others have said stop being a slave. Insist on more help around the house. That's not a special Mother's Day thing, that's just a normal life thing. Teenagers are well capable of doing housework and organising a lot of stuff themselves.

You must enjoy being a martyr so why are you here complaining? Stop doing it all or suck it up, you've made the rod for your own back. Sorry

If you let them take advantage of you all year round then they won't make an effort for one day. The doormat is behind the front door and you don't need to do that job for it. Start sticking up for yourself and getting them to do things - you are making yourself the unpaid skivvy.

This isn't about mother's day. You have a lazy DH.

He claims he can't do any housework because he gets in an hour after you? Well he can get up at the same time as you in the morning and do an hour before he leaves for work.

He can do half of everything at the weekend.

Your uni-age DS should be sorting himself out while he's at uni (please, stop facilitating him. he's going to see chores as women's work). I can understand you wanting to spoil him a bit when he's home, but surely he could be shopping for / cooking one meal a week for the family?

The other teen child can be learning to cook. Perhaps you could supervise him/her preparing a meal once a week too?

All of them are capable of doing their own laundry. All of them are capable of doing packed lunches.