Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

[GunpowderGelatine]

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

They are both utterly disgusting.

I hope that you find the strength to go NC with her.

It's not really something for aibu bearing in my mind your graphic update. I'm sorry you endured that op. There must more specialised forums where people can offer support advice. Best wishes

He might have asked her to do this so she can tell him about the innocent fun they had and use it for wank fodder. Any pictures of your child will be also be used for that.

The question is why haven't reported him. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is, so it's a question not a judgement but you know he isn't safe, you must know you weren't the only one and you need to know its wasn't you're fault

100% NO WAY.

Why are you even considering it?

She's choosing to live with someone who does appalling and life altering things to children.

I don't even understand why you are asking. I wouldn't let my children see her either.

There is absolutely no question here.

OP you are incredible to come through such a huge amount of trauma. You are incredible to be raising your DC with kindness and protection. Just stand firm and know that you're not the one causing anyone's heart episodes or upset; he caused that with his actions when you were a child.

OP, you are absolutely doing the right thing here. I'm so sorry this happened to you, sorry your DM didn't protect you, but you have the strength to protect your own DD

Before I even read the end of your first sentence it was a definite NO. The woman must be sick herself to be with such a pervert.

Sorry cross posted.
Truly sorry for what happened to you. Keep your children away from them both. People who stay with paedophiles for whatever reason don't deserve your pity. You are better than them.

She messaged me to ask the other night if DD could sleep over at my grandads with her (without me
I wouldn't trust her. She now knows he made you do the oral sex when you were little and doesn't want to listen to you, is still with him. She is dangerous , OP. Stay away from her. I would move away and never reveal the new address to her.

Another straight no here.

Your mum sounds abusive in her own right, regardless of your step dad. She sounds really screwed up.

Honestly, don’t let your daughter anywhere near either of them. Your mother is abusive too. She’s emotionally abusing you with the suicide talk.

I also suspect that she would have been aware (on some level) of the sexual abuse he put you through. Perhaps not as a small child, but as a teen she would have known something wasn’t right.

Please think about reporting him to the Police. It’s not too late to come forward. Many child abuse cases are brought about when the victim is an adult.

@SleepingStandingUp I didn't report him for so long because it would kill my mum. But with the strength of a great husband, some RL support networks for sexual abuse survivors and MN, I have had the courage to write down everything I remember and go to the police. There's actually a foundation nervy for survivors of historical sexual abuse who support you in going to the police, help you along etc and I have already contacted them. I am on the cusp! It's just unfortunate my grandad, who lives nearby, fell ill and it prompted a visit from mum as it's delayed doing this

Go to the police, OP! Please! He should be in prison and your mum is disgusting. Her reaction is unforgivable. Don't find excuses not to give your DD to her but don't have any contact with her.

Please do try and report him to the police. And go NC with your mother, she enabled this and is ok with what happened to you. She cannot be trusted around your DC, it is not safe at all for your DC. Can you visit your grandfather when your mother is not there instead?

No. Why does she even need to have her over night FFS? Why is she so keen

coconut I've essentially been caring for him as I'm the only family nearby and I think he'd find it very odd if we didn't visit when mum was there. He's been having tiny strokes and I think any conflict would make him worse.

If stepdad was there I wouldn't be going round and I'm only doing so knowing I can supervise my children at all times.

@SleepingStandingUp I didn't report him for so long because it would kill my mum

She isn't a good mum but a horrible human being. Fuck her!

Please find the strength to cut her off. There is never a " good" time. None of this was ever your fault, you did nothing wrong. She will manipulate you all your life.
I'm a c.a. survivor.

I'm not sure if you have been given this link before. These people are survivors and trained to support. They will not go to the police unless you decide and everything is confidential and not passed onto third parties.
napac.org.uk/

You’re a brave and strong woman, OP.

You know you’re not crazy. And I’ll give you another reason other than safeguarding:

Your mother should be the one person you can trust and rely on and she has let you down in the most horrific of ways.

People who stand by child sex abusers quite frankly don’t deserve to have close, loving relationships. You choose that, you live with the consequences.

You’ve been kinder to her than I would have been.

When she’s gone, send your email, then block out any and all attempts from her and from other family members to discuss it/be reasoned with, whatever.

And if she attempts suicide (and I know this is harsh) then that’s on her and NOTHING to do with you.

Your stepfather is an evil, disgusting, criminal.

Your mother is not much better.

And I’m truly sorry because you deserve so much better than that. But the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for your children is to forget either of them exist.

If you do decide to report then everything can go through the police liaison.

And just so you know, you don’t HAVE to see her again. I know you’re worried about your grandad but you could all come down with D&V!

I say all of this having been where you are. I’m sorry.

No. Why does she even need to have her over night FFS? Why is she so keen

To help him.

Do not, at all let this woman break you or drag you down. They are both abusers. Don't forget that.

Weetabiks I think it's because MIL - who I trust implicitly, who we see regularly and has forged a great bond with the kids, has her for sleep overs now and again. My mum will be thinking "well if she can have her why can't I?". She even mentioned "oh but she stays at other granny's" last night took all my strength to say well MIL is single and not married to a peadophile.

I’d imagine she wants them overnight so she can FaceTime that animal.

What a sorry mess. I can understand you don't want to do anything whilst your grandfather is ill but please do report him when you feel ready.