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Original poster

Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

422 replies

GunpowderGelatine · 30/03/2019 08:35

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 30/03/2019 09:22

Glad you are beginning the process of going NC.

It probably seems a long time in the future, but one day your child may have children of her own.

If the grandmother is is your child’s life, then your child may not fully understand the risk, even if you explain it.

Your child might also question why you allowed the relationship, knowing what you do.

When she reaches eighteen years old, she will be legally able to make her own choices, potentially angry/rebelling against you (hope not too much for your sake, but it happens), and still young and naive enough to be swayed, especially as you state your male abuser tried to tempt you with large sums of money.

Sorry and dismayed that your Mum is abusing and gaslighting you. I understand how long it can take to understand what is healthy and what isn’t, when it’s all you’ve known.

Stay strong.

EchoCardioGran · 30/03/2019 09:22

Ah, cross posted, good that you are linked in with survivors support, all my thoughts with you.

CarolDanvers · 30/03/2019 09:22

“took all my strength to say well MIL is single and not married to a peadophile.”

I’d say it. I promise I would. But it took me a lot of years to get to that point.

TheRedFox · 30/03/2019 09:23

I'm very sorry you have been through this. You sound like you are working through your abuse and have some specialist support in place.

In your situation I wouldn't even let my child have contact with my mother. From what you have said she is manipulative and she is married to a paedophile - to a certain extent he will have groomed her.

She hasn't been able to prioritise you over her marriage so how do you know she will prioritise the safety of your daughter.

Even if you're present for every moment, she may share photos of your daughter with him.

I hope you also find the strength to report this to the police - doing so may prevent there being future victims.

Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 30/03/2019 09:23

You know the right thing to do and have protected your children.

I think you just need to hear that you are brave and strong. That whatever tantrum your mum throws, you are making good, right choices. It’s so easy when you’ve experience gaslighting and abuse to internalise messages and feel the effect of them even when we know consciously they are rubbish. Tell that internal doubt to F off. Your step father is a monster. You love your mum but she has hurt you in inexcusable ways and shown her inability to protect you in the ways you absolutely deserved to be protected. You deserve to have this man in prison for a long, long time. You deserved a safe, happy childhood. You deserved a mum who put you first and had the inner resources to do that.

Loulzze · 30/03/2019 09:24

Only read the first line and it's a strong no.

The upset they'll feel is hugely insignificant the upset you and dc would feel if something untoward happened, for the rest of your lives

Itssosunny · 30/03/2019 09:25

took all my strength to say well MIL is single and not married to a peadophile

Your mum could be an accomplice. If she supports him then she is as bad as him. Normal mum would go to the police with you and want him to go to prison. I doubt she has a Stockholm syndrome. She is planning for her granddaughter to be the next victim.

MollyButton · 30/03/2019 09:26
Flowers Stay strong. I might not take your DD to your Grandfather's while she is there. And the minute this crisis is over do the NC and report your step father. Definitely minimise any contact your Mother has with your DD. She is constantly attacking your boundaries and as such is not a safe person for either your DD or you to be around.
MeteorGarden92 · 30/03/2019 09:26

HELL NO.

Coming from somebody who was abused as a teen, do you think your DD would ever forgive you if the worst were to happen? It’s one thing if you had no idea about this guy, but to knowingly let her go...horrendous...DO NOT DO IT!!

Itssosunny · 30/03/2019 09:27

Well, your mum should be in prison as well for covering up the crime.

Fadingawayagain · 30/03/2019 09:28

Does she ask for sleepovers with your other child/children? She seems very keen. It’s a bit odd!

Sorry for what has happened to you and I hope you do go NC and get a report in to the police.

Itssosunny · 30/03/2019 09:29

Never ever let your mum stay at your home. She supports a paedophile. That's the answer. Therefore you can't trust her. Full stop and hang up the phone. Even if she comes to your doors don't open to her.

WatchingTheWheels85 · 30/03/2019 09:30

No. But my children don't do sleepovers or playdates. We have no family and we don't have people over or go to to other's houses. I had an awful childhood and I won't take a single risk. Yes it's over cautious but we make decisions as parents.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 30/03/2019 09:31

OP, you are brave and strong and doing the right thing.

I understand the confusion in your mind. But you are right here and you are protecting your dd.

IHateUncleJamie · 30/03/2019 09:32

@GunpowderGelatine I hear you. One of my parents is an enabler (EP) and let the other parent abuse me for decades until I went NC. I still have some residual “what if something happens to enabling parent” guilt BUT I’m starting to realise that EP is lazy, emotionally absent and utterly lacking in parental instinct.

For me, the realisation that our parents are supposed to protect US and be responsible for US, not the other way round, started to sink in when I became a Mum. My dd is not to blame and is not responsible for MY wellbeing and health.

YOU are your mother’s child; not the other way round. If she cries and has a “heart episode”, she’s manipulating you into staying quiet so that she can avoid the fact that she has failed you. She failed to protect you. She continually chooses your abuser over you. My guess is that you would NEVER do that to your own children because you are a good Mum.

The time has come to put you and your children first. You cannot trust your Mother to look after children; she’s shown you that. So whatever reason you give, you say an absolutely firm NO to your dd staying with your mum. It won’t kill her; if she has any sort of tantrum then you treat it just as if she was a child and ignore. “No Mum, that won’t be happening” is all you need to keep repeating. Treat her like a 6 year old and do NOT give into emotional blackmail.

Personally I would go NC but that has to be your decision. Get in contact with that foundation now, start the groundwork for your recovery. Sending strength. Flowers

Itssosunny · 30/03/2019 09:32

OP, please go to the police. Your grandad is going to be fine. Imagine if your stepdad is still abusing other children. They live abroad. Do they live in a country where it's easy to abuse children? Mum is so lovely. Would be easy to lure children with her help.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 30/03/2019 09:33

Absolutely not, my reason being that I would never trust her judgement.

OpportunityKnocks · 30/03/2019 09:33

Nope. You are making the right decision.

I remember your previous post and I'm so glad you are starting to move forward with it all!

I had similar with my DM, she married him and has since divorced him. I still won't let her have my children, because I simply don't trust her judgement with the people she would let around my children.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/03/2019 09:34

You are absolutely doing the right thing to refuse.
You don't need much more of an excuse than your DD doesn't know her well enough, but if she keeps pushing to say that it would improve their relationship, you probably would need to say that you don't WANT to improve their relationship, not while she's still married to X.

I'm so sorry to read of all the shit abuse you've had to put up with, and your mother's failure to support you appropriately in any of it. She's not trustworthy - she failed in her duty of care to you, and there's absolutely no reason to believe that she would be capable of carrying it out correctly for your DD.

So, a big fat No. I hope that she either leaves the scumbag, or fucks off back to him very soon so that you and your DD can go back to a less troubled life, without these worries. Thanks

lottiegarbanzo · 30/03/2019 09:34

Of course not.

She is inherently unreliable. Not someone to trust with the care of your DC.

Itssosunny · 30/03/2019 09:35

Your SD may still be abusing children! You must go to the police to report the crimes against you and to protect other children from him. Wonder how many children he has already abused. You must do it, OP.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 30/03/2019 09:38

Of course not.

werideatdawn · 30/03/2019 09:38

OP are you definitely sure she has come to the UK alone? Is there any chance he is also over here and the plan is for him to turn up if you leave DD with your mum? It just seems very odd that she's so insistent, like there's someone else driving it.
Either way your mum has proven she cannot safeguard a child. You are doing the right thing in refusing. Stay strong.

NotTerfNorCis · 30/03/2019 09:39

First reaction:

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does she want your child to stay over, anyway? Why is she with this man?

flumpybear · 30/03/2019 09:39

Your mum has had a number of chances to prove to you that she's a capable parent /caregiver and she's fucked it up by going back and living with a paedophilic monster who screwed up your childhood and damaged you.
She hasn't proven, even after knowing the full extent, that she's able to care for a human - let alone a child so it's a no from me

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