Thanks all. I’m pleased I’m not going mad as I agree with you all (and never once contemplated saying yes) but I knowthis person will make me think I’m being OTT
Hope I am not accused of drip feeding - the close female relative is my mum and the abuser is my stepdad. The victim is me.
I’ve posted extensively about this before, but essentially the facts are - he met my mum when I was 4, married her when I was 6 and there are a few vivid memories of sexual abuse as a child. When I was the age my DD is now, he forced me into giving him oral sex.
There are only a few memories of childhood abuse. But when I turned 16, until 3 years later when I left for uni, he sexually harassed me on a daily basis. This involved him standing in doorways masturbating as I walked last, walking into my room naked and masturbating, offering me £500 for sex, leaving sex toys around, leaving porn in my room, and speaking sexually to me through the walls. And so, so much more. I never told anyone but my mum found out not long before I left for uni. I didn’t tell her about the childhood abuse. She stayed with him and after I moved out they moved abroad.
After the initial finding out my mum basically swept it all under the carpet and pretended it didn’t happen. She even tried to force a father/daughter relationship into us. I silently hated him but tolerated this because of the love for my mum.
When I had my DD 6 years ago though things changed. I told her he’d never meet her - this was after an initial rush of her saying “oh he’s so so happy to be a grandad and can’t wait to meet the baby”. She was devastated, and was hospitalised with a “heart episode” after this. But he has never once met my kids, we don’t visit them and when she visits she visits alone. I am 99% sure she hasn’t told him that he’s never meeting the kids, though she says she has.
2 years ago she left him and came back to the UK. At this point I told her about the childhood sexual abuse including the forced oral sex. I wanted to be in a place where we talked about it openly but she couldn’t and would cry whenever I started a conversation. After a few months, she went back to him.
You’re probably thinking at this point - and it’s a question that’s been posed on here before - why aren’t I now NC with her? But it’s not that simple. She’s manipulative, and my only parent (my lovely dad died 6 years ago when I was pregnant). She recently came over and I took the opportunity yet again to try and get answers about the abuse, why she went back and what my abuser has said to her. She took that opportunity to tell me she recently attempted suicide - thus shutting the conversation dead and ensuring I don’t upset her further. She also basically said she went back to him 2 years ago because when she was back in the UK we didn’t make enough of an effort with her.
I don’t believe her about the suicide attempt BTW. She said she tried to gas herself in the car. She is the highest of all cowards and I don’t think she’d go through all the planning that kind of thing takes. And of course she started to do it then hero stepdad came to the rescue pulled her out and told her to think of me and the grandkids 
Anyway after the last visit I started the process of going NC with her. I have an email in my drafts I’ve been composing for weeks, perfecting it to explain why I don’t want her in my life and whatever she does after this isn’t my fault. I also planned to go to the police after sending the NC email.
However my grandad, her dad, has been unwell so she’s booked an impromptu flight over. This delaying my NC plan! She messaged me to ask the other night if DD could sleep over at my grandads with her (without me) last night. I said no, she has ballet Saturday mornings. Went to my grandad’s to see them all last night, and she whispered in my DD’s ear “ask mummy if you can have a sleepover”. Which pissed me off because I already said no. I said no again and she said “what about any other night?”. I just said were busy until you go sorry.
What I wanted to say was that no she can’t sleep over because you clearly don’t think the sexual abuse of a 6yo is a big deal and whilst you’ve never abused yourself, you are not capable of protecting nor safeguarding a child of that very age. However I didn’t because my kids were there and also my grandad and he doesn’t know about the abuse (and is quite ill so could do without it). I’m meeting them today and she will ask again. I want to say the above, away from everyone. She’ll definitely cry and tell me I’m being ridiculous. I don’t want to risk anything, I don’t trust her not to FaceTime her husband or send him pictures of her.
To those saying "why do you even have to ask" - it took me 11 years to even realise what happened to me was abuse and not just stepdad "frightening me" which is what my mum describes it as. From age 19 when she found out, she has done a sterling job of acting like it never happened to the point our "normal" was like everyone else's normal. It's bloody odd to outsiders but I was happy to go along with the pretence because the shame victims feel kind of forces that. I have never, ever, ever put my children at risk. They have never met him, seen a picture, heard his name or even know granny is married. She has never so much as popped into shops with them alone. I have never, and will never, put them at risk