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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

422 replies

GunpowderGelatine · 30/03/2019 08:35

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

OP posts:
Letterkennie · 30/03/2019 19:53

Wowzer well done OP for standing up to her! That must have been tremendously nerve wracking. I really hope you’re as proud of yourself as you should be. Awesome!

FWIW in general in situations like this with a woman staying with her known paedophilic partner, from what I understand there is of course an element of minimisation and denial. And pressure from the paedophile on his partner to “let him prove himself.” So then the partner is put in a position where she either admits to herself that he really IS a paedophile, or she gives him the “opportunity” to prove himself as being ok. And that opportunity may well be her allowing him to see a particular child as a test, an offering. And the first few times everything is ok, of course, because that’s part of the grooming.

R202020 · 30/03/2019 19:58

Nothing is worth the risk. Don’t take chances.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 30/03/2019 20:05

I'd laugh in her face. She clearly has crap judgement.

goodfornothinggnome · 30/03/2019 20:12

Not one chance.

My mum knew a man who had rumours about him, but he was always nice to her and me. One night he needed to be our end of town, couldn't get the bus. So of course, my mum said, why don't you stay at ours?
She kept in mind that there were rumours, she was aware for what she thought was any sound.
She was closer to me than the living room he was supposedly sleeping in.

When she heard a noise and came to check on me in the middle of the night he was naked in my bed.

Please do not take this risk believing that because she knows the risk she will ever be able to 100% protect your daughter.

madroid · 30/03/2019 20:12

OP you don't have to tell her that you're going nc. Just do it and spare yourself the drama.

Witchtower · 30/03/2019 20:17

No because I would be in a permanent state of panic. I would never expose my child to this person regardless whether I was there or not.

bakebeans · 30/03/2019 20:28

The answer would be no. Yanbu. I would also be talking to your dd that she must not be afraid to tell you if anyone makes her do something or touch her inappropriately. That’s if u haven’t already done so

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/03/2019 20:32

No no way and never. Not even over my dead body.
Also She can't have many morals if she's stuck by a dirty paedo beast, so I wouldn't trust her either.

Soverytiredofeverythinggoingon · 30/03/2019 20:34

Another survivor of CSA here. You did so well! You are so strong and you are protecting your DD and family so well.
It's horrible being dragged back all the time to revisit all this stuff. Your mother is NOT to be trusted as she is enmeshed and enthralled by the paedophile abusive PoS her husband.

In my case it was my brother who chose my abuser (our father) over me despite knowing exactly what he was doing to me, aged 11, when my Brother was 17. I have never, ever forgiven or forgotten that my brother knew, but did not help me. .

winecigsandchoc · 30/03/2019 20:36

No!

MidsomerBurgers · 30/03/2019 20:40

She's already manipulating DD, encouraging her to keep secrets and go behind your back. That's definitely the first step of grooming.

I agree. Please do not feel any guilt by keeping your Mother far, far away from your daughter.

Elllicam · 30/03/2019 21:04

Well done OP you’ve made a great first step. I wish you and your DD all the best Flowers

FloofenHoofen · 30/03/2019 21:08

Thanks I just want to say that I'm going through the same thing, re: my dad sexually abused me as a teen and I'm at a stage now where it's gone to trial.

I sent an email too and went NC. Then I went counselling and shortly after reported it.
Please make sure you have support, and perhaps counselling will help, you won't be able to talk about what happened then, as it'll affect the court case when you report him, but you can talk about how it affects you now, it'll help.

Sending lots of love and hugs your way Thanks

FloofenHoofen · 30/03/2019 21:10

Sorry OP have just seen your other post that you've reported him. Well done. I know how hard it is.

Haworthia · 30/03/2019 21:23

Oh god OP, I am so sorry this happened to you have you have such a sorry excuse for a mother.

I was prepared to think she was a weak woman, too afraid of her husband to leave, but I see now that she’s actually a very nasty, manipulative piece of work.

I’m glad you see through this now and wish you all the luck in the world with going NC. I know it won’t be easy, but your life will be all the better for it.

ThanosSavedMe · 30/03/2019 21:52

You are definitely doing the right thing. I absolutely adore my dh but if there was any suggestion he’d done what your step dad did, he would be gone. Immediately. I’m so sorry your mum chose him. You do not need to feel guilty

LucyAutumn · 30/03/2019 22:53

Well done OP, that must have been so hard especially with the emotional blackmailing but you did it. I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow Smile

Thurmanmurman · 30/03/2019 22:58

No way and I wouldn’t be in contact with her either. Living with a peadophile, I couldn’t stomach her.

MadgeMak · 30/03/2019 23:10

No. No explanation needed, just no.

LadyGAgain · 30/03/2019 23:32

Well done OP! Have a lovely day tomorrow

Jenny70 · 30/03/2019 23:39

She looked shocked upset and said she would never harm her.

If she says this, you need to tell her that she allowed you to be hurt and harmed at this age, if she wasn't able to protect her own child, how could you ever trust her not to hurt yours?

Something like "my childhood has taught me not to trust your judgement, you allowed me to be hurt in the worst way and to this day will not face the consequences of that."

empod · 30/03/2019 23:45

Absolutely not!! The fact that you are even asking this question?? 🤔

EleanorOalike · 31/03/2019 00:04

Oh for God’s sake why don’t people read the thread!

OP was the victim of the abuse and her mother stood by the perpetrator. She’s incredibly brave and just needed reassurance she was doing the right thing.

mysurveysays · 31/03/2019 00:10

Absolutely no way, not a chance

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