Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

[GunpowderGelatine]

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

none of that matters when it comes to protecting a child. so my opinion still stands!

Yes but the opinion of a melted basin is just as well thought out and worth taking notice of.

NO! Absolutely not. Not worth it!

Straight no. She may be being groomed to groom without realizing it. What reason has she given for wanting your child overnight? Noone has ever asked to have mine overnight, seems a weird thing to request? Or is it the norm in your family, or is it grandma?

Does she know that he abused you? Have you told her? I would explain to her on the phone. Report to the police asap. Seek counselling. I too have been sexually abused as a young child. I know how you feel. Now's the time to clearly say, "no because he abused me when I was a little girl"to everyone who questions you. I would go no contact. He abused you so he would definitley abuse other children too. My abuse was already reported to the police. The family member who abused me (I was 5, he was 15) only got 3 years in a young offenders institute. But it made me feel better as it was out in the open. Remember this, you are a strong woman now and you are in control. Do not allow guilt to cloud your judgement.

I seem to remember a similar post, isn’t it you DM that moved a peado in? But no absolutely not, I would’ve long cut ties.

I remember you, OP.

My gut reaction is to say "cut her off, go to the police" etc etc but I know it's not that easy. All strength to you to be able to do those things, if you want to and in your own time xxx

Fucking hell! If there was ever a thread that you should bother reading in full, it’s this one. 🙄🙄🙄

Ever thought about taking up a career as a therapist, Bobbycat? 🙄

Never.

No. No, no, not now, not ever.
I am so sorry that you were abused and that your mother has refused to accept it and deal with it appropriately.
I experienced milder sexual stuff from a family member, but as an adult, however, as a result my dds have never stayed at the house he lived in ( he and his wife are close family) .I have never let them be with him at all without me present, and when they have seen him it has mainly been in public space, eg for family lunches. The man in question is now in a care home, but I still feel uncomfortable with the idea of my dds staying at that house, because I question the judgement of the female family member in shoring up his behaviour for decades.

Never, I'd be shocked if anyone says yes here.

none of that matters when it comes to protecting a child.

I am protecting my child though.

Is this a joke? I don't think Mumsnet is the best place for peado jokes

You got me, I made up my story of abuse for shits and giggles

Anyway, I've come back from shopping, my grandad wasn't there as he was a bit tired today. I gave it a while, she kept pointing out how loads of people have flowers "obviously for their mothers on mother days". She's tremendously passive aggressive and never just says what she feels, I haven't mentioned Mother's Day to her so she'll be waiting no doubt for some sort of fanfare.

Eventually she asked if it's DH who blocks the sleepovers. I said no, it's me. I had a wobbly voice and fluffed my words a bit but told what kind of mother would I be if I let my daughter stay overnight with someone who knowingly sleeps with a pedophile. She looked shocked upset and said she would never harm her. I said it doesn't matter, she won't be staying over, and when she chose to go back to her husband knowing what he did to me she made a choice that has consequences.

She got a bit wobbly and dramatically wiped a few tears away saying "I suppose I understand" and then professed her love for my children. She then bizarrely went on to tell me she's found a lump in her breast and is awaiting test results! I swear I could predict this shit in my sleep. I just kind of said "oh well" then went to the next shop. And she restarted the game of pretence. I also bought 2 Mother's Day cards today - one to MIL from me and DH and one to MIL from the kids. She will be getting nothing tomorrow from me or the kids and I won't be seeing her, DH is taking us all for a picnic (weather permitting).

So sorry for what you've been through, I am so sorry.
You've protected your dc and hope you gain the strength to tell her what she and he are and have nc. You deserve just that. Hope you gain strength to seek what is right.
He needs punishing.

Well done gunpowder a good stepmade today. Remember we are also here for you.

Well done, Gunpowder I know it’s incredibly hard!!

Next step, cutting her out of your life and being free of her.

I hope you have a wonderful mother’s day ❤️

Regarding your latest update.... Wow fantastic! Well done I really mean that, if I were your friend /family I would be so proud.
Must have been hard though but I bet you feel good about telling her as such

@GunPowderGelatine, I admire your strength and resilience. You sound like an awesome Mum. Happy Mother's Day!

OP well done. It can't have been easy but you did great.

bizarrely went on to tell me she's found a lump in her breast and is awaiting test results

They're just so tediously predictable aren't they?

You've done well today, although you might as well accept none of it will have sunk in. Hopefully you'll soon be able to move to NC and enjoy the peace you so much deserve ...

Gunpowdergelatine you have taken a huge step today. Well done. You predicted her reaction - she now wants you thinking she might have cancer. What a fucking gem!

I'm delighted your lovely Dh has tomorrow planned out for you. I wouldn't even communicate with your mother in any way shape or form tomorrow. Let her stew and think about what you said today - though I somehow doubt she will even begin to realise that she is the one at fault. Continue with your plan to go NC. Don't bother your arse going to the cinema. You'll be giving mixed messages allowing her to see the kids. Start as you mean to go on now and again, well done. You are strong!

Good for you.

I suspect she will up the ante now.

I'm so sorry people aren't reading the full thread and throwing comments about.

She then bizarrely went on to tell me she's found a lump in her breast and is awaiting test results!

Ugh, absolutely textbook. At least you’re wise to her attempts at emotional blackmail.

Bloody well done, Gunpowder. You are extremely courageous and strong and you’ve done the right thing for you AND your daughter. ❤️