Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

[GunpowderGelatine]

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

Then perhaps you should have read ALL the OP's posts instead of just the first one, Thesuzle.

I have just choked on my tea. NO YOU SILLY WOMAN, NEVER EVER
That’s not shouting capitals but extream concern

Fucking hell! What is wrong with people here today??

Standard reaction, Ivana - don't read past the first post.

No way.

TBH I find it weird and alarming when grown adults request children for sleepovers in the first place. I can understand offering to babysit overnight if the parents would like a night off - but actually asking and saying please come for a sleepover, it's weird. i always think this about the mums/MILs who want tiny babies to come for a sleepover as well. They are actually real children, not just dollies you can play at putting to bed.

I'm sure someone else has suggested this but you could potentially report him to the police yourself, OP, if you feel like it would help.

No and I'd drop her too.

No fucking way.

Oh OP :( just read the updates. No no no don't leave DC alone with her. Please go to the police with this. She had one job to protect you whilst growing up. She failed miserably and hasn't even got the decency to talk to you about it.. and is still with him?!?! She'd see kids over my dead body if it was me

And Gunpowder - please remember - any "heart episodes", and "suicide attempts" are NOT your responsibility.

She has chosen to stay with this horrible man.

She has chosen to put his comfort, and her own, over the safety of her child and grandchildren (she will introduce them as soon as she gets the chance, I promise you).

She has chosen to emotionally blackmail you to let your DD stay, even though you have made it very clear that this will not happen.

Now YOU are choosing to step away from the stress, the hassle, the upset and the pain - because every time you see or speak to her, it must rub salt into the wound of her lack of consideration for you - and you are choosing to ensure that your children will be safe.

If she throws a hissy fit and beings illness/suicide (or even if she really is ill etc - doubtful), then that is on her own head, not yours.

Do NOT feel guilty about anything that happens to her. She has made her own bed and as long as she shares it with this man, let her lie on it.

Over my dead body. She would have no contact with my child whatsoever. As a mum I don't understand how your 'D'M could do this to you, and I urge you to go to the police. You owe her nothing, she knows what she's doing and if she keeps asking just say 'you know why you can't see DD, if you want to discuss it further I'm happy to do that!'

Good luck OP, you are unbelievably strong and doing an amazing job protecting your children

Op

I know it’s awkward but please say no.
You don’t have to say why but please say no.

I'd be concerned with your mother having a relationship with any of the children, to be honest. The comments by your mother already show she is willing to manipulate your DD against you.

Your DD is currently 6 and well protected by you, but this sweet 6yr old will become 10, 12, 14, 16 and will have the means to have her own relationship with granny through skype, email, social media. Sending granny pictures, having conversations, things you can't control. Possibly even granny pressuring/cajoling her to come visit her overseas (with paedo DH).

Having a relationship with the partner of a paedophile is never going to benefit your children, enrich their lives, be in a circle of trust for them to turn to in time of need - what can she add to their lives that isn't a negative? So whilst she can't face the consequences of what he has done, I think the NC can't come soon enough for you all.

No sleepover, no cinema, no visits to grandad while she is there, just no. And if you get the chance to tell her privately why not, every time she tries to call you on it, tell her she knows the reasons.

She isn't a mother, which involves unconditional love and support, she is an egg donor who is willing to put your wellbeing below her own comfort, and she will do the same to your children.

I suspect you mum wants to video or take secret pictures of your DD when she is in the bathroom if she goes there overnight or in the cinema toilet. Your daughter won't suspect anything as she is very young and it's her grandma.

Your DD is currently 6 and well protected by you, but this sweet 6yr old will become 10, 12, 14, 16 and will have the means to have her own relationship with granny through skype, email, social media. Sending granny pictures, having conversations, things you can't control. Possibly even granny pressuring/cajoling her to come visit her overseas (with paedo DH).

And down the line, giving them access to her own dc.

In what world would the answer to this ever be yes?

I know it’s awkward but please say no.
No it isn’t.
You don’t have to say why but please say no.
“Your husband is a paedophile and you will never see my children because of it” is exactly what she should say.

Definitely not. I have the same situation and my children have never stepped foot in my relatives house because of her partner.

OP please cut off all ties with your sorry excuse of mother immediately. Your vile step father abused you sexually-which she doesn't appear to give a damn about-and now she is abusing you emotionally with her disgusting manipulation of you. I would not let the woman within a mile of my daughter,let alone close enough to be whispering shit in her ear. Please just tell her to get to fuck,you and your daughter deserve better

I remember your previous threads very well, OP, and sadly it's no surprise that she's still not listening or that she continues to enable your SF

Having been there, everything you say about survivors guilt makes sense, as does the manipulation with "heart episodes", suicide threats and the rest. It's great news that you're now getting professional support, but please realise that there'll NEVER be a good time to go completely NC ... if it isn't your GF's illness or yet another "health crisis" from her it'll be something else

Personally I'd wait until she's back abroad and then write to her, coolly but quite briefly explaining why she'll never be in contact with you again, then block her on absolutely everything

Ive read all the thread and still amazed the op needed to ask. Whats wrong with people

Wow. How’s your recovery from your empathy bypass coming along?

FFS @Bobbycat21. It’s nice that you have clearly never been gaslighted, manipulated and coreced by a parent so you have no clue about living life under a fog of Fear Obligation and Guilt which clouds your judgement. However the OP has, so if you could employ a tiny bit of empathy or intelligence, that would be great.

Either that or don’t comment at all.

Good luck OP. You and your children deserve nothing but peace and happiness.

No. Never.