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Original poster

Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

422 replies

GunpowderGelatine · 30/03/2019 08:35

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

OP posts:
MrMeSeeks · 30/03/2019 17:31

Oh op i remember your previous posts, you’ve been so strong.
I know some people won’t understand but it can be hard to cut someone out even when you know you have too. Sad
You’re doing the right thing.
Your mom may love him, but it should have been over when you told her.
She made her choice, now you’re making yours.

MillyMollyMandie · 30/03/2019 17:31

You have to ask????

NutElla5x · 30/03/2019 17:33

Well done op. I can imagine that despite everything you will still have some love for your mother so i can't imagine this will have been easy for you at all. You have done the right thing though,are very brave and a fantastic mum and I really hope the sun will be shining wherever you are tomorrow so that you can enjoy a lovely picnic with your loved ones x

MillyMollyMandie · 30/03/2019 17:34

I'm so sorry people aren't reading the full thread and throwing comments about

I’m feeling ashamed that I’m one of those who didn’t read the full thread.

Op, I’m very sorry.

Susanna30 · 30/03/2019 17:36

Please report him.
What if he has done this to others - or will do it to others. He needs this recorded against his name.

Essentially, it does not matter what reporting it would do to your mother. She has a heart of stone staying with a man who abused her daughter. Her feelings are of zero importance compared to a child getting abused. What happened to you was, in part, down to her too - she should have protected you and been aware of what was happening under her roof. To her child.

Don't let your child near him OR her. Not for a second. The risk is too high and she has no morals either, being with a pedophile.

woollyheart · 30/03/2019 17:48

You are absolutely right not to let her alone with your Dd ever. She has proven what a poor mother she is. You know she is not trustworthy and she wouldn't put your child's safety and needs above her own.

shesgrownhorns · 30/03/2019 17:53

OP well done such a horrible call to have to make. Enjoy your mothers day as much as you possibly can x

sauvignonblancplz · 30/03/2019 18:03

Awful , you’re being very generous and very strong.
As others have said , this isn’t black and white, you’re on the right road to NC and will only continue to heal as time goes on.
Flowers

Justhalf · 30/03/2019 18:03

No, not a chance.

whocaresalot · 30/03/2019 18:03

Very brave of you OP, you’ve definitely done the right thing. Flowers

skunkatanka · 30/03/2019 18:06

OP well done. You are clearly an absolutely fantastic mum. I hope YOU have a great Mother's' Day. You deserve it Thanks

Howzaboutye · 30/03/2019 18:09

Very impressed with your resolve and bravery OP
Have as good a day as possible tomorrow Flowers

colbyandmontysmum · 30/03/2019 18:26

Well done, Op! I know it was hard to tell her but she needed to hear why. You are doing so well! Thanks

I am wondering about why she wanted to take your DD to the cinema alone. Could it be because her H is in the country and would join the two of them? Confused I hope that's just me and my runaway imagination but you never know with these monsters.

modzy78 · 30/03/2019 18:27

You're doing really well with this situation. But I'd suggest taking it further immediately. First, do not let her near your DC, even supervised. She's already manipulating DD, encouraging her to keep secrets and go behind your back. That's definitely the first step of grooming. Cancel the movie trip and have a day out with DD nowhere near that cinema. And don't tell mother until you're out of the house and she contacts you that you will not be in (absolutely no details on where you are). If she shows up at your house without your grandfather, do not let her in. Tell grandfather that you will be coming to visit him to make it easier on him, and don't bring your children until after mother leaves. Have DH take them out to do something, like visiting his family, so that they're not home. And do not interact with mother beyond the bare minimum. If she starts talking about her newest health crisis, just ignore her. And leave as soon as you've done your duty for your grandfather. And if she ropes him into her grooming, gaslighting, and manipulating, then you need to decide how much you want to divulge. Even if it's just saying that you have your reasons that she is fully aware of. You're showing great strength, so be willing to take it further to protect yourself and your children. Best of luck.

Gingerkittykat · 30/03/2019 18:28

Please don't let all of the people telling you to go to the police make you feel under pressure. That decision is a huge one, and if it happens needs to be done on your terms and in a manner that feels safe for you.

I'm glad you have contacted an organisation to help you, and hope you get continued support no matter what you decide to do.

Flowers
lboogy · 30/03/2019 18:31

Haven't read the full thread but the answer is a resounding no. She clearly lacks good judgment and I'd be afraid she'd unwittingly let the man sleep over or come to the house

DelilahTheSlagFromTheBible · 30/03/2019 18:32

Well done in standing up to her and protecting your daughter. I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.

And can I just say, can posters RTFT before commenting. As others have said before me.

MitziK · 30/03/2019 18:57

I'm so, so sorry you've had to go through this.

It might be a very bad idea, but if she's in the habit of faking and lying about near death experiences to retain control of the secret/hide the crime, perhaps letting her know her deceptions would have the exact opposite effect and any more fake 'heart attacks' and 'suicide attempts' would result in immediate reporting to the Police could put a stop to them? Especially if followed up by 'and if anybody asks about it, I will tell them that you're doing it to protect your darling paedophile, because I have nothing to be ashamed of - but you have so, so very much'?

That certainly wouldn't affect any decision you make to go ahead and report the PoS anyway, but it seems apt that an emotional blackmailer and abuser should know that if they try that shit ever again, they will see exactly the result they desperately want to avoid happening.

I'm thinking this way because I have the horrible suspicion that a sleepover would involve 'having a lovely bath before bed'. And a Skype call right in the middle of it. And that's the best case scenario - it's not unheard of for women to abuse on instruction from such filth. If he hasn't come over with her, that is.

IncrediblySadToo · 30/03/2019 19:04

You did really well today 🌷

I’m very pleased you’re not getting/doing anything for her tomorrow.

How is your Grandad? I’m not sure how to phrase this without it sounding awful, but...if it was my Grandad and I thought he wouldn’t be around very much longer I’d wait to go NC & go to the police, but if he was likely to recover from this and be around a good while I’d contact the police now.

Do not give her any warnings. He needs to be caught by surprise.

Don’t let her organise anything with/for the kids. If she says she’s taking DD to the
Movies or whatever, just say ‘No, you’re not’...’I’m coming to see DD’. ‘No, you’re not’. You’re doing well, but you need to go that little bit further.

Stay strong, you’re doing well 💐

IncrediblySadToo · 30/03/2019 19:09

You can’t prevent death by having a sleep over 🙄

She’s either actually ill/suicidal or she’s not. It’s just manipulation. Don’t buy into any if it.

ethelfleda · 30/03/2019 19:17

OP Flowers
Your mother let you down, massively. And I have a range of words for your abuser. I’m so angry on your behalf.
I just want to say that I am in awe of your strength and you sound like a really great mum.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/03/2019 19:26

What happened to you was, in part, down to her too - she should have protected you and been aware of what was happening under her roof. To her child

I totally agree, Susanna, though with the caveat that assuming the DM didn't know isn't necessarily safe

On learning all this supposedly for the first time, her instant and continuing reaction has been to ignore things or brush them off any way she can ... so what's to say she's not been doing this from the start?

christinarossetti19 · 30/03/2019 19:32

Well done OP - you did so well today.

My mother is similar and I've have similar (but different) considerations about whether to go NC or not to protect my children.

What I would say is that, given your dreadful experiences and your mother's historic and current role in them, you're doing the right thing by telling as many people as possible your story and situation. This gives you increasing access to sensible, sane points of view and validates your decisions about protecting your children. The less you hear your mother's dramatics/manipulations etc, the less it will affect you. So even before you go officially NC, you can just not speak to her. I find an ear infection which makes me not be able to hear properly or a bit of a temperature in one of the children quite good ways of simply being able to avoid contact with her.

Best of luck - you're amazing.

EchoCardioGran · 30/03/2019 19:38

Gunpwder You took a huge step today and I'm so proud of you to read your update.
That took so much courage and well done to you. I'm sorry that there are still some eejits who are wading in without reading the thread.
You spoke up so well for little Gunpowder today. Flowers

givemesteel · 30/03/2019 19:46

OP I am so sad for you for what you went through as a child.

Against all odds you've done so well to rebuild your life, meet a lovely man and have two lovely children.

Whatever problems your mum has she doesn't deserve you. I don't believe she only found out about this abuse as late as you suggest, I think she must have been turning a blind eye for years.

She's been selfish in choosing a man over her daughter. You owe her nothing, and should not feel remorse about choosing what now suits you.

She might be getting old or ill or whatever, but she chose her man over you when you were a child and now has to live with the consequences of that decision.

Good luck, I whole heartedly agree that going NC is better for you in the long run although may be painful to do now.

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