AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

[sarusingh]

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

@woodhill the DIL will just accept it. You're raised in a culture with clearly defined roles.
As PotolBabu says even if the MIL is wealthy and educated she may still go and live with her son or he will move to her. It's her son's duty.
I feel the OP is venting on here but knows not much is going to change. You have my sympathies.

It also looks like she's not coming back.

I really feel for OP. I am in a very similar situation to her. Me and Huby are both second generation Indians, we were born and bred here. Our parents were born and brought up in India.

The problem we are having is that my MIL expects the son's and daughter in laws to do everything for her and doesn't expect anything from her daughters (as they are both married and they have a duty to their in laws). My Huby has two brothers, one is abroad and one is away at uni so all the responsibility falls on us. She lives 10 mins away from us and we have to do most things for her- clean, take her shopping/ to her appointments. My FIL passed away a few years ago and she is on her own so at weekends she will constantly ring my husband and tell him to go over as she gets lonely and wants company. Sometimes she just turns up at the door unexpectedly and ends up staying for hours.

It is really impacting on my relationship with my Huby, as even though she doesn't live with us, she's constantly in the background wanting us to do things for her.

In her eyes, a son has a duty of care to his parents. I feel so sorry for him sometimes, as he gets exhausted of trying to keep everyone happy.

I've told Huby that he needs to sit down with his two sisters (who also live close by), and draw up some kind of rota so that they are doing their bit too. I feel like they enjoy the fact they they have no responsibility towards her. I've also told him to reeducate his mum to ask her daughters for help too.

Sometimes I feel like there's three people in our marriage. I have three kids too and really feel like they are also missing out on quality time with their dad.

Well, hopefully these attitudes and expectations will fizzle out when the older generations are no longer around. But it's going to be hard for the current generation in the meantime though.

Is it to do with inheritance as well as if you don't do all these things for your parents they will cut you off financially so you carry on doing them?

Yes, hopefully it will die out

@Ashana Could your MIL join some type of group at a place of worship? or go to a luncheon club/activity groups for OAPs.

My Grandma was in her mid 80s and joined a local luncheon club and made a lot of new friends. She hadn't been out of the house by herself for over 20 years!. She wasn't Indian but very set in her ways.
She also had a visitor every day from social services, who just popped in for a chat. I know churches do things like that as well.Maybe something like this would be a help.

How awful OP! Id be ready to ltb if he doesnt get rid of her soon. Money sent home/visiting her every year no problem, having her living with you and making yiu unhappy - you need to leave for the sake of your kids.

This is what i would do, i love MIL but don't want her or my own mum behaving like this. She mentioned help in India so clearly won't be destitute, her DD can help out too you're not even related to her why on earth should you care for her??

My mil won't join any groups as she thinks they are a waste of time. She would rather stay at home and watch TV. She does have a few local friends who she sees daily but if she needs anything doing then we are her first port of call. Sometimes she even fakes ailments just so that we go over and keep her company for a bit.

None of it is to do with inheritance, and to be honest I'd be happier not to get it if it meant we didn't have to deal with her anymore. Its just a cultural expectations of a sons role. You bring them up to look after you when you are old. I find that a lot of Indian oldies will just stop doing things and give up their independence from a younger age than English people do, as they then just want their sons to take care of everything for them.

Attitudes in our generations are already changing. I have two sons and one daughter and I am not bringing them up with the expectation that they will look after me when I'm old. I'd rather not be a burden on anyone and will keep my independence as long as I can.

Don't get me wrong, the joint family system does still work in certain countries but over here where we all work and our lives are much busier it is very hard to adhere to.

Can't you just be more firm with her. What's the worst that could happen?

It sounds like she is being lazy and selfish.

I'd love to be but my husband was brought up with the mentality that he has to care for her when she's old so he will do anything he can for her.

He us a great husband to me and a great father to my kids but it's almost like she has a level of control over him. She will click her fingers and he has to go running.

I sympathise OP.

Lesson here for those thinking of setting up home/getting married. Discuss your future plans, work, finances, where to live, children and potential expectations from the older generation!

hopefully these attitudes and expectations will fizzle out when the older generations are no longer around

I agree this could happen long term, but not that it will necessarily be quick. There's an awful tendency - not just in Asian communities - for parents to insist there's "no way they'd expect their kids to do such-and-such" but then to revert pretty fast when they get older and perceive it's "their turn"

Overall I'm with Limer about discussing these things before marriage ... and that does mean discuss them properly, not just trust in a loved-up haze that it'll all be okay

I've read this thread with a lot of sympathy and fascination. I was in complete ignorance that the expectations on couples who'd been born and bred outside India (in this example) remain unchanged.

I feel very fortunate. In our case, it's the opposite. DF died last year and my sister and I alternated spending nights with her for the first month - our parents had been married for 66 years (she is nearly 89) and had never spent a night alone. Since then, she been quite brisk and "I need to establish a new routine" and I have great respect for her. Obviously we see and speak to her as much as we can. My brother isn't really expected to do anything though!

I'm glad to have provided some insight on what the reality is like for some of us, but as I said before, it is changing with each generation.

I have been to India many times and the joint family system really does work there. Partly because in many middle class Indian homes, they have a lot of paid help. They are paid to do the cooking/cleaning/shopping/looking after of small children or oldies. This really lessens the burden on all the family members.

Of course, this is very different to poorer Indian families, who can't afford paid help but they still do manage to get by somehow. Usually in these families, the older generation will take care of younger children while the parents work.

I had always rather admired the Indian way of running families.
I have seen older people take children to school and younger people taking the older generation round the superarket. I am not Indian so dont know all the details of have much experience.Just my observations going through each day. I thought it was good that each generation helps another as above. I have also wondered about how the older generation feel, thinking they brought their families here to improve their lives but then the children become more like their local non Indian friends. Looking back would they say again that they had improved their lives?
I have had bereavements to the point where I was so utterly heart- broken. I would have loved my children to have been more helpful, supportive and understanding. I note a PP said that she and her DSis stayed alternate nights with their mum after bereavement. I was never offered such a thing and I would never ask but to me that seems so lovely of those daughters.
Is this not about the different amounts of support needed by each of the parents when bereavement happens. We are all different and the time we need some support will vary.

Yes I would say the Indian way in treating elders is much better than the western way. And to be honest we don't mind helping her, it's just hard when she becomes overpowering and expects too much from one child while the others live their life freely. I know so many Indian families where even in the UK the joint family system works. Usually where all the siblings draw up some kind of agreement on who will be doing what. My main issue is that she expects us to be at her beck and call all day every day.

My parents are elderly too and my two brothers live close by (I live in a different town), they don't expect anything from either of them and don't constantly ring them for company. My brothers have an agreement whereby they take turns to take my parents out and to hospital appointments etc and my brothers enjoy doing it, as in our culture looking after and respecting your elders is something inbuilt in us. Its just when they overstep the mark that it gets too much.

When my fil passed away we all took turns to stay with mil for about 6 weeks and it was honestly so nice to support her through her grief. Even now my husband will go stay with her one night a week just to keep her company and I really don't mind that but I just feel she is not grateful and just wants more and more from him.

She has always been quite an overpowering lady so that obviously doesn't help either. I would never expect my husband to abandon his mother, I just want him to set some boundaries and get his sisters involved in helping their mother.

@Ashana I'm finding your posts extremely interesting and enlightening - thank you for sharing. As I mentioned above, my DF died last year - he and DM had been married for 66 years and to say that she was lost is an understatement. After a month of my sister and I staying with her, it was DM who said quite firmly that we must get on with our own lives. It's all about expectations - your MIL thinks that she is owed your DH's attention whenever she wants it; our DM is really grateful.

We spread out this weekend so my sister did lunch yesterday, brother did lunch today and I did the afternoon/early evening. She said she'd had a lovely time. The fact that she doesn't ask for us all the time means I often want to do more, because I can feel how much she is still hurting.

I think it was just expected, I'd feel resentful although I appreciate that I'm comparing different cultures. Your earlier post about families having "help" in the home makes sense too.

I think a lot of things come down to how there are those whom if you offered them your coat would be grateful for it and then there are those who would think "now I'll try and get their shirt,". The latter can be a real nightmare.

the Indian way may be 'better' than the Western way but it sounds incompatible with modern western life for various reason.
If you want to live in a culture which emphasizes extended family ties and unconditional loyalty to parents then you get the benefits of that way of doing things, but you also get the downsides and generally this type of system does not lead to a prosperous liberal democracy.

I just feel she is not grateful and just wants more and more from him
He is not a free man, in her mind he belongs to her and has a duty to serve her, I think that is regressive.
Much better to have proper social care, encourage seniors to make their own lives not suck the life out of their children as if they were a personal crop to be harvested

where you have small numbers of elderly people and larger numbers of descendants it can work, but then look at somewhere like Japan, lots of elderly, very elderly and the generations that follow them are smaller as people have fewer children.

What if you are an only child, with your own adult children struggling to afford a place to live and then your parents rely on you?

Yes Lobster my dm is always pleased to see me and respects boundaries. I wouldn't like the " Indian " way of doing things. I still look out for my dps but won't be manipulated

I think at the end of the day it depends what the elderly person is like. If she was grateful and respected our boundaries and time, I would have no problem in doing more for her. The way she is carrying on has made me a little bit resentful. She has an attitude of entitlement and uses it to her advantage.

Even after all this, I don't think I could ever put her in a care home or just abandon her. If she became ill I would do everything in my power to keep her at home and sort care out for her (unless it became physically impossible). The Indian in me would feel so guilty if I did. We see older people as the heads of our households and they are what keeps the family together.

@Ashana, so you have someone who is behaving badly making everyone in the home stressed and resentful and yet you say this person is keeping the family together?

Exactly. Sounds more like she'll drive the family apart.

The son has a duty to care for his mother in her old age but the mother is also expected to be a force for good in the family, it seems to me that the son is fulfilling his side of the bargain but his mother isn't