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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

253 replies

sarusingh · 29/03/2019 19:25

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

OP posts:

Hearhere · 30/03/2019 11:35

he wants his modern Western wife and he wants to live a modern Western lifestyle but he doesn't want to let go of the benefits of living in a traditional culture where the man's word is law and the wife has to serve him
He wants to have his cake and eat it

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 11:36

Which is why a compromise situation where for example OPs DH and SIL organise a granny flat, get her involved in local gurdwara or whatever is relevant, and together finance that if they have to - is the way forward. MIL will have somewhere to live and a social life that will keep her busy. OP will have her home and life back.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 11:39

Hearhere Except MIL is also a victim here.

I do think in the west there is a lot of naivety amongst women when they marry someone whose family roots are in a much poorer country with a different culture. Personally I would counsel my DD against marrying in this situation. It often brings complications.

CSIblonde · 30/03/2019 11:42

As its a cultural norm, I think managing to occupy her & give her a support network too is the best way forward for you all. If she's not great with kids or the odd bit of help to you, she must be bored witless on top of her grief. Are there any relatives nearer her age nearby? Age UK do so many social events. There are also female Asian friendship & social groups where I live that are advertising in my local library. They meet there and at the community centre for coffee, sewing, the odd meal etc. All ages are welcome.

PotolBabu · 30/03/2019 11:45

I raised the visa issues. Can I say:

The MIL is here legally.
Staying 6 months every year is LEGAL. But under the hostile environment there is a crackdown on people legitimately using their visas.
If my partner reported my 70 year old mum to immigration and watched her be handcuffed, taken to a deportation centre and be deported, I would divorce him.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 11:49

Hearhere.

How the hell has the mil tried for the best of both worlds? Did she marry the OP?

I think she has the worst of both.

A new country with no friends and family.

A dil who resents her (I'm not disparaging thr OP, I'd feel the same).

She didnt choose this.

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 11:50

my partner reported my 70 year old mum to immigration and watched her be handcuffed, taken to a deportation centre and be deported, I would divorce him.
Too right. Struggling to find the lols in sending am old lady home where shes afraid and lonely.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 11:50

I agree that the MIL has the worst of both worlds. She can not be happy either.

LaurieMarlow · 30/03/2019 11:57

claire just for clarity, I’m definitely not saying fuck the mil here. I agree with a compromise solution and with providing financial assistance. I also agree that she’s a victim too. However I do not feel that the OP should be pressurised into having her live in her house if she doesn’t want that.

These situations are very difficult and agree with you about counselling daughters not to go there.

I also sort of agree with hear on the ‘cake and eat it’ front. One of my best friends is British Indian and her parents, having brought her up in the UK, are now up in arms because she is marrying a white British guy rather than an Indian Hindi of their choosing. I don’t think that’s fair to my friend at all.

Not saying that this situation is entirely analogous, but just commenting on the point that you can’t expect your own cultural traditions to hold fast within a very different cultural mix.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/03/2019 12:00

I think the problem is you don't want to raise this issues and warn women about what can happen if you marry into another culture because it can make you look racist.

Boysey45 · 30/03/2019 12:02

If mil goes into a granny flat then has she the money to cover this and all the bills? I don't think she can claim benefits, does she get a pension from India? Shes going to be looking at round abouts a grand per month all in.
What she going to do if she gets taken ill here? they ask you now all the time at hospital, how long have you been in this country for?
I think its awful for her and for DIL, she should have stayed in India really.At least the state would have been able to support her there, she could speak her own language all the time as well.

XiCi · 30/03/2019 12:04

I've found some of these posts absolutely shocking. The fuck her she should have planned better, no way I'd spend family money on mil ones are just vile. I wonder if these posters actually have ever had any sort of relationship with a parent. It's verging on sociopathic . There is no way that I would let my mother or mil for that matter live in poverty or isolation. I love her and would do anything possible to make her life comfortable. There would always be a way to do this that would fit in with the rest of the family. Thankfully my DH is on the same page as me re this and would always take care of family.

Glad you have spoken to your DH about this OP and there seem to be some solutions that will make things easier for you.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 12:04

What makes you think the state would have supported her in India?

PotolBabu · 30/03/2019 12:24

There is no state support in India. The MIL hasn’t done anything wrong. She has found herself a widow, in a foreign country, without a support system. She seems to be a pain rather than someone actively making OP’s life difficult (I have one of those MILs- lovely, a great grandmother, was incredibly awesome when I was post partum and key to my learning to breastfeed but such a pain in so many other ways...just like I am sure I will be in my old age). This talk of criminalising her, deporting her etc is just horrific.
Luckily the OP doesn’t seem to have reacted like this and she and the DH are having a civilised conversation.

Hearhere · 30/03/2019 12:27

@Prince, my apologies if my post was misleading but my point is that the husband wants the best of all world's not the mother-in-law

Hearhere · 30/03/2019 12:29

@Boysee, there's no state pension, no state support in India if You're elderly and you can't work and there's no one to help you it's curtains for you

Hearhere · 30/03/2019 12:33

Both women are victims here, the mother-in-law raised her son in traditional Indian culture in the expectation that he would honour his obligations towards her as she became elderly, one presumes that she was in favour of him seeking a Western lifestyle and taking a Western wife because most of us want to see our children progress in life.
I am wondering what conversation he had with his mother about how he would fulfil his obligations towards her?

The man is taking the piss he's trying to get the best of both worlds

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2019 12:34

I think its awful for her and for DIL, she should have stayed in India really.At least the state would have been able to support her there, she could speak her own language all the time as well.

This is where people are not realising we're talking two totally different cultures here. There is no welfare state!

This thread is so white-British-centric it's unreal.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 12:37

There is some charities supporting widows who would be otherwise destitute. There is a state pension. It is equivalent to what £8 a month here would buy. And you don't get it if you have any other income or money at all. It would stop you dying in the street, but that is all.

That is why MILs move in with adult children. Very different if they already live in Britain and are entitled to British benefits, then it is fair enough to say - you are not frail, you can carry on living by yourself.

So yes unless MIL is well off, she needs her support of her adult children. It is how to do that while still letting the OP and SIL live a happy life.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 12:39

Yes I have been surprised at all the assumptions made here about the choices people think the MIL has and the choices they assume she had when young in terms of income and planning for the future.

In most very poor countries, the only old age pension people have is their adult children.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/03/2019 12:52

Bloody sociopathic 😂 get over yourself.

Money that comes into my household is accounted for.
If I had a few tens of thousands to support another adult then it would go on paying off my mortgage, allowing me to go part time so I could actually enjoy my children, it would go into their savings to prepare for Uni or for their house deposit.
I am not saying MIL is not in a shitty situation. Just that those saying OPs family should make plans to finically support her.
The UK government aren't responsible for her. So how is she going to finance her declining health?
They need to sit down and ask her where she is going to get some money from and it can't just be a shrug of the shoulders. She may need to find some form of income.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/03/2019 12:57

What happens to most widowed mums in India if their children have all moved to other countries? If there are issues with visas/logistics of them moving to one of these countries. Do the children send them money?

Did your DH ever speak to his parents before FIL died, to say what would happen in the event of either of them dying?

PrinceOfPies · 30/03/2019 13:03

^Money that comes into my household is accounted for.
If I had a few tens of thousands to support another adult then it would go on paying off my mortgage, allowing me to go part time so I could actually enjoy my children, it would go into their savings to prepare for Uni or for their house deposit.
I am not saying MIL is not in a shitty situation. Just that those saying OPs family should make plans to finically support her.
The UK government aren't responsible for her. So how is she going to finance her declining health?
They need to sit down and ask her where she is going to get some money from and it can't just be a shrug of the shoulders. She may need to find some form of income.^

Finding a reliable income at 70 shouldn't be any hardship. You seem to be struggling with either human decency or basic comprehension that India isnt the UK.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/03/2019 13:04

It will be hardship. It'll be next to impossible. But it's something she's going to have to work out pretty damn fast. She is an adult. She needs to take responsibility for herself and work out what she is going to do to pay for the next 25 odd years.

clairemcnam · 30/03/2019 13:14

Yeah I think the description sociopathic was pretty spot on actually.

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