AIBU for being depressed and stressed since my MIL moved in with us?

[sarusingh]

Recently my FIL passed away (RIP) and my MIL has moved in with us from India. I have been married for 15 years and have 5 years old twins and I feel like my life has just changed all of a sudden. I know I should be more accommodating and accepting of my new living arrangement, but I've been really depressed and stressed, thinking about how to make things work, given that we both work full time and are constantly struggling and trying our best to be good parents.
Am I being unreasonable for feeling so down and wishing that I had my old life where I had more space and freedom in my own house?

ineedaholidaynow Family send money back.
Alternative is begging on the street and going to Gurdwara's for charity food.
Or being lucky enough to benefit from a charity programme that pays destitute widows to do some work. I think it is Oxfam who run some.

What if MIL has a heart attack or a stroke etc whilst shes over here? the state wont pay for her care then or for a nursing home or home carers. I'd be putting my foot down and saying she has to go because it will fall on DIL to do everything if she ends up totally incapacitated.
Imagine that as well as working full time and having young children.

once you start interacting with other cultures, you need to be aware that your own cultural norms may not be sacrosanct

I agree in principle, but good luck explaining that to an elderly, bereaved relation with cultural expectations and little wish to contribute to the household in any way. If Indian friends' experiences are anything to go by, I'll almost guarantee that any suggestions which don't suit - no matter how tactfully phrased - will result in a sudden "health crisis" and an insistence that her death is only days away

It's good news that OP's husband will at least talk about the issue, so here's hoping they come up with a solution which will work for everyone, MIL included

YANBU but it seems you don't have much choice about her living with you. You can however have a serious conversation with dh about setting rules and boundaries and see a doctor about the depression or if it's that bad you can choose to leave. You need to find ways to cope with the situation you find yourselves in.

@PotoBabu
"1. The MIL is here legally.

1. Staying 6 months every year is LEGAL. But under the hostile environment there is a crackdown on people legitimately using their visas. "

It is legal to VISIT for UP TO 6 months. It is NOT LEGAL to claim you are visiting when your plan is to actually reside in the UK on a visitor's visa. That is the intent that the OP is giving by talking about MIL moving in. If she was visiting, it would be completely different. She will need to return to India before her visitor's visa runs out. I don't know if she's been given the full 6 months or if her visa is for less time. But if she uses her full time and tries to get another visitor visa to return (especially within a short time frame), there is a chance that she'll be refused entry on the basis that she's trying to live permanently on a visitor's visa. And even if she manages it twice, she'll probably get called out the third time, which might lead to a 10 ban on entering the UK. And it leads to the question of what she'll do to survive while back in India in either case. You need to figure out a realistic and reasonable plan with your husband to help her survive. You could try for an adult dependent visa, which she probably won't get. You could see about SIL taking care of her, which sounds like probably won't happen. You could send money to India for her housing and care, realizing that it might be a financial obligation for long time. Or you could look into moving to India to care for her, assuming you want to uproot your family and are eligible for visas. The only thing you CAN'T do is to continue to have her stay with you on a visitor's visa. Also, please be sure that you pay for any medical treatment she needs while staying with you so that she doesn't get in trouble for using the NHS when not eligible for covered care. You will need to make it clear with providers, since they might assume she's covered otherwise.

I'm extremely sympathetic to you OP, my own paternal grandmother stayed with us till her death and my mum had to wait on her hand and foot, so I know how hard it is on the DIL. But I also saw how my maternal grandmother suffered because she was unwanted at my uncle's house (she did visit us, but never stayed permanently)

The woman is 70, so she was born in pre independent India. I do not think she ever had a job or was educated much. All I'm saying is, I don't think it's easy for her either. Imagine having to move at 70 to a foreign land where you don't speak the language, you can't go out anywhere, stuck in a house where your mere presence is resented.

I'm not blaming you OP, none if this is your fault. But you're in a better position than her, she has not many options but to accept your charity. Either stay with you, or depend on the money you send.

This thread is so white-British-centric it's unreal.
No, it's people basing their advice on what they have experienced themselves. It's nothing to do with being white (and you're being racist by suggesting it is) or even British. It's called being human.

No it is white British centric because it totally ignores the context here.

Totally different saying MIL has to look after herself and pay for herself when you are living in a country with state old age pensions and free social care, however inadequate it might be. Bloody stupid to say when those things do not exist.

I British centric because this is happening to a household in the UK and it's not part of the UKs norms. It's the DH who needs to be trying to find a realistic solution here

Have all the people responding stated that they're white?

OP hasn't said if MIL speaks English. If she doesn't (or is at a very low level), she won't be eligible for any type of residence visa. They've gotten pretty strict about that in the last few years.

Could you poop resources and buy a house with a granny annexe? So you both have space but she's close enough to feel safe?

bridget from reading this thread it is likely that there won’t be resources to pool, and also MIL may not get a permanent visa to live here

@bridgetosomewhere - at "poop resources" ... I know some people are filthy rich this takes it to a whole other level!

Well it is not sociopathic to explain to someone that their MIL from India cannot just pop over here and expect to retire into her sons home and use the NHS etc. this is the UK we are talking about and the only reason they have the NHS is because the elderly of the world cannot just move over and use it.

I’m from Ireland and many many Irish people moved to the US in the 1950’s and 1960’s and they did not bring their elderly mammy over to live with them when she was widowed because a. They were not allowed and b. Their mammy would not dream of emigrating at aged 70!!! So a solution based on caring for MIL in India will have to be found.

Listen my parents were born in pre independence India. My mum was the headteacher of a huge school. My dad was a University professor before he retired. They both speak, read and write English fluently (my father was a professor of English). How do they live? Like other retired people in other parts of the world. They have a pension. They have investments. They don’t have a mortgage. Not everyone in India is destitute and surviving on scraps. We have literally no idea what socioeconomic status the OP’s in laws had. She may have quite a good lifestyle in India but it may still be isolating and lonely. And scary to be living alone.

We don’t really send money home to our parents (DH’s parents were also both civil servants and are now retired and have comfortable lives in India). We do pay for their tickets to visit us. And I have sent money home for things I know my mum will not buy because she likes saving money.

A visitor visa is granted for X amount of time. So you can have a 10 year multiple entry visa (my parents do). On that they can remain in the UK for 180 days in one go. So very theoretically they can stay for 6 months, go to India for a week, and then come back for another 6 months. However Border Control would not look upon this kindly even though it is ENTIRELY legal. I still wouldn’t report my MIL for deportation though...Usually my parents and in laws visit every 18 months or so and stay for 6-10 weeks. We enjoy having them here despite as I said my MIL being a little batshit (and my mum can be quite a handful too). It’s wonderful for the grandkids and I thoroughly enjoy coming home to fresh food after a long day at work. I feel very spoiled when they are here.

My parents and in laws both have two kids in the UK. They don’t ever expect to live with us. They do expect to visit for longer periods as they get older. There is a lot of assumption here about what happens in ‘poor countries’ on this thread.

My parents on the whole have a FAR better quality of life in India than many people in the UK. They are not ultra wealthy, but they live in a big detached house with a garden, they have domestic staff etc. Government healthcare though is very poor and private healthcare is expensive. My dad fell very ill earlier this year and the total bill over 6 weeks was close to 10,000 GBP. Health insurance is quite minimal in India.

There is so much misinformation on this thread about so many things that it is staggering.

No one is saying everyone is poor in India but India has the highest number of people living in poverty in the world. It would not be unreasonable to say the OPs mil may be unable to support herself. Just because you are from a qell off background doesn't mean most people are. You had staff and weren't rich. So they clearly are being paid much....

Nearly 800 million people lived on less than USD 1.90 a day in 2013, around 100 million fewer poor people than in 2012, it added.

@PotolBabu No offence intended. My grandparents were all born in pre independence era, and among the women, only 2 of them went on to college. The rest studied only till the age of ten and were soon married. This doesn't make them idiots, nor do I sneer at their not having had jobs.

The only reason I mentioned that the MIL in this case might not be too well educated or job ready is because of the ridiculous suggestions that she ought to have planned for this,and worse still stating that she ought to get a job now

I think the OP has said the MIL can go to the US as well to stay with her daughter. But lets be realistic you will be the main carer as you are the DIL and it's your job. Your MIL will be reluctant to stay with her daughter as she will not want her daughter's inlaws getting cross. Unfortunately this is just life for Indian women but it's changing slowly.

I'd be looking for a house with granny flat or annex. I'd also suggest her splitting time between your house and dh sisters - say 6 months each?

My grandmother was married at age 10. Which was in pre Independence India. But by the late 1940s and 1950s many women born then (not those who were in their 20s then) were going to University. My mother’s sister was born in the early 1940s and went on to do a PhD in Germany. My mother in law did an MA in Chemistry and then the equivalent of a PGCE. The pre independence era is a very wide period but the average middle class 70 year old woman (who is 70 today) ..so actually born in 1949 AFTER Partition would have been unlikely to have been married off at 10. (Not that child marriage isn’t still common in India etc etc).

When I say we had staff and werent rich, I mean we aren’t part of the Indian mega elite. My parents were academics and a school teacher. Our staff are paid whatever the going rate is, they get three meals a day, plus my parents paid for their kid’s education as is often the case, contributed to their daughter’s wedding etc. This is all expected. I think this is VERY difficult to explain to non Indian people.
There is the Uber rich in India. Who are on par with the global elite. Then there is a corporate elite- people who after 1990 and liberalisation worked for MNCs and earned good money and had/have big houses, new cars, go on lots of foreign holidays. They are the very wealthy.
And then there is the rich- people like my parents who have comfortable lives (many former civil servants, government officials are in this category) but don’t go on frequent foreign holidays or whatever (we never left the country when I was a kid, I didn’t even have a passport). They lead more modest lives (we have a nice house but isn’t all marble and glass, we have a nice car but not some giant SUV type thing) but don’t want for anything.
Then there is the lower middle class, often those who work in call centres etc. Many of them btw will ALSO have domestic staff. Then you have the level below that- people like our domestic staff, they have a roof over their head, they earn a decent living, their kids went to English medium schools (but not the elite ones) but they have no safety net. Their kids they hope will transition one step up the social ladder and work in call centres and beauty parlours and in hospitality away from their lives. And then there is the really poor and destitute. People who literally have nothing and beg on the streets, scavenge for a living etc. (And many more complex layers of society in between but these are the broadest brush strokes I can paint).

Amber what about poor dil getting cross with mil, what a rubbish deal.

potul If that was the lifestyle of the MIL, I hardly think she would have come over as soon as her husband had died.
Everyone knows there are wealthy well educated people in india, no need to be so defensive.

But a wealthy educated MIL may STILL have cultural expectations. AND may still feel isolated and lonely! These are not mutually exclusive. I am trying to say that it’s not that either she’s living a life of Riley or is destitute on the street. It’s that contrast and stereotyping I am taking issue with. We have literally no idea what social class OP’s in laws belongs to. But it would be false to suggest that the cultural expectations would change. My highly educated in laws are also deeply deeply conservative (unlike my parents) and have expectations of me and my DH we do not always fulfill. I can totally imagine MIL deciding she wants to move in if FIL died. She’s highly highly educated and would totally expect her oldest son to care for her in her old age. She is also v religiously conservative. So she might well be independently wealthy and self sufficient and still expect OP’s DH to look after her. These are not mutually exclusive.