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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:

Sakura7 · 29/03/2019 12:47

Your choice - but why would you join a group called 'Mumsnet'?! Just seems a bit ironic.

Been done to death on this site already. The vast majority of topics discussed on here don't relate to children. Next.

Hearhere · 29/03/2019 12:47

Few people doubt that men can have fulfilling lives without being parents why can't the same be thought of women?

Milicentbystander72 · 29/03/2019 12:48

I think you've been unlucky too OP. It's very rude of people to judge you.

I'm 47. I have 2 dcs. I have plenty of friends with dcs, however I also have plenty of friends my age with no children. We get on really well, no judging from any sides and everyone has a fulfilling life as far as I can see.

To be honest, I've never delved too deeply as to why they've not had/wanted children. It's frankly none of my business and it's just not a subject of discussion.

XXcstatic · 29/03/2019 12:49

My life was just fine. Now its hard. Really hard

Parenting is really hard (I don't have biol children but was the main carer of 3 for a long time so I have had the best/worst of both worlds, depending on how you look at it ). I think one of the reasons that parents judge childfree people is that the parents don't like to be reminded that they had a choice. If you think of having children as something that everyone has to do if they are able, it's easier to reconcile yourself to all the downsides: you don't have to judge yourself for making choices that you might be regretting.

HolyForkingShirt · 29/03/2019 12:50

Your choice - but why would you join a group called 'Mumsnet'?! Just seems a bit ironic.

Because Reddit is mainly American, can't go on TheStudentRoom anymore cause not a student and haven't really found any other forums that are as busy.

Bibijayne · 29/03/2019 12:50

You do you. Not everyone wants kids.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/03/2019 12:51

My life was just fine. Now its hard. Really hard
MIne too.

stevie69 · 29/03/2019 12:53

You'll never be truly happy Oh, I will. I am.

People who don't have kids are egotistical and always regret it Yeah, I probably am; I can live with it. Doubt I'll regret my choice but ....never say never.

What's the point of your life then Oh, I dunno. I enjoy it. Will that suffice?

HoustonBess · 29/03/2019 12:55

I judge people who make the choice in a negative way, as in 'having kids is dreadful and a waste of your life'. This is rude if presented to people who either have kids or want them but can't have them.

If someone makes a positive choice that they want to do something with their life which is incompatible with children, or that having kids would involve unacceptable sacrifice of something important to them, that's good.

Onceuponacheesecake · 29/03/2019 12:55

We all judge. I judge and think good for them. It seems appealing to me, not sure why there is so much confusion

buzzbobbly · 29/03/2019 12:55

Earlier on we had the "not until I met the right man" cliche; which has now been followed up by another poster spouting the "spent my youth with no responsibilities but now I have kids, I am all about responsibility" line.

Yeah, cos my mortgage, job, pets, ageing parents and life is one of unbridled, ceaseless folly, day in, day out, and I have not a single care in the world, all because I have no small versions of me alongside.

Should've brought my bingo card to this thread!

BlueSaphire · 29/03/2019 12:56

Speaking of people being judgmental.....just read this thread for some very good examples of that..

soulrider · 29/03/2019 12:56

I don't find this, in fact I find parents often express that they wish they'd made different choices to childless people when they wouldn't express the same thoughts to those with children.

MTGGirl · 29/03/2019 12:56

I don't judge. I do tell my friends though that they are missing out on great fun: nappy changes, barfs, screaming, shouting, and the likes. :) On the reality side: I can't help but tell them that in my opinion they are making a mistake. But it's not my life and my opinion doesn't really matter in this case.

kaytee87 · 29/03/2019 12:56

@buzzbobbly or maybe that was the posters own experiences

Daisydoesnt · 29/03/2019 12:56

OP I'm a lot older than you (late 40s, very late!) and I find threads like these bizarre. I have never once in my 30-odd years as an adult had one person be judgemental towards my decision to not have children. Not even challenged me, or make the sort of comments your reporting. Although TBH I would say someone saying that you'll be missing out to me isn't "judgemental". It's expressing their opinion, but so what?

I also find your choice of words odd: "confided in".

I think you seem very emotionally charged about the whole topic. Perhaps people sense this, and feel that you are not as sure about it as you profess to be? Be a bit more blase, that will throw them off.

Jackshouse · 29/03/2019 12:58

I feel slightly envious. I love my DD and I have chose to have another but occasionally I’m jealous of the life style of my friends who have decided not to have children

malificent7 · 29/03/2019 12:58

I have 1 child and get judged for not wanting another! Yanbu op.

ginghamtablecloths · 29/03/2019 12:59

I think I've only ever had to explain myself to about two or three people about choosing to be childless.

"No, and I don't regret it now that I'm over the hill when I look at all the shit that parents have had to go through."

One woman in particular has a daughter from her first marriage who has gone NC and two step-daughters from her second who have made her life hell. I don't think I need her advice, do you?

RollerJed · 29/03/2019 13:00

Yes, quietly I do judge. I wouldn't say it out loud but I do think you must be pretty selfish.

Of course it is totally up to you and if you were my friend I'd think you were fab, because well, we are friends.

But choosing not to have kids makes me think you're selfish 💁‍♀️

TheGoogleMum · 29/03/2019 13:00

I might ask about it but don't judge. It isn't for everyone and that's ok!

CalmDownPacino · 29/03/2019 13:00

Me too malificent7. People have only just started to stop now she is 16 and it's becoming clear that I am NEVER going to produce another.

Lokidokiartichoki · 29/03/2019 13:00

Not at all. What’s to judge?

FWIW I’ve told my kids to just stick me in a home if/when the time comes and not worry about looking after me. I didn’t have them to be my carers

BiteyShark · 29/03/2019 13:01

I have never wanted children and my life is complete without them. I just ignore the daft judgmental questions or comments from parents and judge them back for being too stupid to understand that not everyone wants the same things in life and values different things.

CalmDownPacino · 29/03/2019 13:01

Yes, quietly I do judge. I wouldn't say it out loud but I do think you must be pretty selfish

What a load of absolute bollocks. I can't even try and be polite about that.

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