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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
BillywigSting · 29/03/2019 13:01

Nope I wouldn't judge at all.

I only decided to have a child when I conceived accidentally on the pill and couldn't bring myself to have a termination. I seriously considered it though. I only went with it because I had been with my partner for so long and we had the money and stability to roll with it.

I stopped at one. I most definitely do not want more. Though I adore ds, and being a parent is so far easier than I anticipated (though still not a breeze), the older he gets the more I like him.

As a general rule I'm still not a massive fan of other people's children either unless they're impeccably behaved.
There's the odd one or two that I quite like though.

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 13:02

@rollerjed what would you find selfish about me? Would you not think it’s more selfish for me to have kids I don’t want?

OP posts:
buzzbobbly · 29/03/2019 13:03

BurnstonesBabies Your choice - but why would you join a group called 'Mumsnet'?! Just seems a bit ironic.

Ha! Predicted this on page 1 I think. Knew it wouldn't take long.

Chloemol · 29/03/2019 13:03

I have never wanted kids, I have my nephews and god children who I spent time with as children but definitely did not want any. My family have never questioned my decision. As to those who say you will be lonely in old age, they could be as well, with world movement much easier now people live all over. I know someone whose three children all live abroad, two in Australia, so she’s hardly going to see them us she. Next time they start just say it’s not up for decision and change the subject. If they continue ask them to leave

HolyForkingShirt · 29/03/2019 13:05

I have to admit I don't get the "childfree = selfish" thing at all.

Having kids is selfish if you think about it. Bringing another person into an overcrowded world where they'll probably be bullied at school, rack up £££ of student debt, get messed around in relationships, be a mortgage slave working 9-5 in some dire office, fight over resources that are running out and then feel pressured to look good and repeat all of the above by having their own kids! And what's the reason? "Because I wanted them".

Wishimaywishimight · 29/03/2019 13:07

I never wanted children - it wasn't something I consciously gave much thought to, it was always just something that other people did. I don't feel judged at all, certainly not to my face - behind my back I have no interest in what people may or may not say about me. I'm 50 now and have never had a moment of doubt or regret.

I have been asked "do you have children" to which I answer "no". If anyone goes further and asks "is it by choice" I just say (truthfully) "yes, absolutely, I don't have a maternal bone in my body". That pretty much ends the conversation with a laugh!

Chloemol · 29/03/2019 13:08

@RollerJed so glad you are not my friend then. Have you thought that some people who say they don’t want children perhaps say it to cover the fact they can’t have children but don’t want to discuss that?

What’s selfish about not bringing a child into this world? Look at all those parents who do, but perhaps shouldn’t,

In my opinion it’s your opinion that’s selfish

Home77 · 29/03/2019 13:08

I actually read a study about old people and how they felt having not having children when they got old, and surprisingly (the authors thought) the old people who didn't have children were just if not more happy, mainly due to not getting on with / seeing enough of / worrying about the said adult children, whereas ones without had done on and made more of their own support networks rather than relying on family to support them. So it's not always the case old people are sad through lack of children.

stevie69 · 29/03/2019 13:09

Yes, quietly I do judge. I wouldn't say it out loud but I do think you must be pretty selfish

Do expand. What exactly about not having children makes me selfish?

Reddragonqueen · 29/03/2019 13:09

Before I had kids I probably would have thought not wanting kids was weird. It wasn't ever really said out loud by people then though. I've got two now and see its such hard work, not everyone can cope with that and I don't begrudge people not having them.

It much more spoken about now and I've no judgement on people who don't want them. I also wonder if I did the right thing bringing children into a world which is going to shit.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 29/03/2019 13:09

Your choice - but why would you join a group called 'Mumsnet'?! Just seems a bit ironic.

BINGO!

IntoValhalla · 29/03/2019 13:11

I will admit, my immediate thought when I hear someone say they don’t want children is “Omg why?!” - but then I have a little word with myself and think actually there’s lots of very understandable reasons why someone might not want children Smile
I am a very maternal person, and knew from a young age that I definitely wanted children. I got married very young (19), and am now pregnant with our third baby at 24. I love my children with every ounce of my being, and they have enriched my life in so many ways - but on the flip side it’s sometime soon all too apparent that I’m choosing g to have a family so young, I am missing out on so many things that my old school friends are getting to experience. For example: one of them is halfway through 6 months travelling the Southern Hemisphere. I will be well into my 40’s, maybe even my 50’s before I will have a chance like that again. Having my kids now has meant that I’ve had to put my chance of forging a career for myself on the back burner, while friends are climbing high on the employment ladder.
It’s a very personal decision, and it is no one’s business except yours! If I wasn’t totally sure that wanted to be a mother, I wouldn’t have had my children. It’s not exactly something you can jump into being 50/50 sure that you want it, and then change your mind later.
And as for those who say “you’ll regret it” - so? It’s not their life. So they need to keep their beak out.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 29/03/2019 13:11

Yes, quietly I do judge. I wouldn't say it out loud but I do think you must be pretty selfish.

What a weird & judgy attitude. Why am I selfish to know that I'm healthiest & happiest single & childfree?

Gottalovesummer · 29/03/2019 13:13

Hi OP, I certainly don't think you're selfish. It's a real shame your family judge you.

I have 3 close friends who don't (and won't) have children. 1 regrets her decision, 2 don't.

Their careers and social lives have continued uninterrupted, but I don't envy them and wouldn't want to be them, that's my honest feelings. (To be fair, they probably wouldn't want my life either, my career took a nose dive and I don't travel as much as I used to.)

But I certainly wouldn't tell them that. How hurtful and rude.

Home77 · 29/03/2019 13:14

Here's the study I saw about the childless older people if anyone's interested.

sciencenordic.com/older-people-just-happy-without-children

NeverSayFreelance · 29/03/2019 13:15

I'm also childfree and I get this as well. A lot of "but who will look after you when you're old???" Eh, the state that I've funded with my taxes for most of my life? There are people who also say it's selfish to not have childrenHmm as if I'm depriving my unfertilised eggs of a life or something.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 29/03/2019 13:16

I will admit, my immediate thought when I hear someone say they don’t want children is “Omg why?!”

Honestly....

I'm glad you've got so much from being a parent. But that's my immediate thought when I hear someone say they do want children (and yes, I then have a little word with myself too!) I can see it's fundamental for a lot of people but in my head it just doesn't compute.

ValleyoftheHorses · 29/03/2019 13:16

No, to be honest I was in two minds myself! We’ve ended up with one. (Don’t regret him for a second though.)
Enjoy your child free life Grin

Sakura7 · 29/03/2019 13:17

How on earth is it selfish to not have children, if you've never felt that urge? My best friend is sadly struggling with infertility, and she has an almost primal longing to have a child. It makes perfect sense that she would want to act on that. But if you've never felt that desire, what's the point in having a child?

It's more selfish to have children just to avoid being lonely or to provide care in old age, as you're placing demands on others to meet your needs. How on earth is the childfree person selfish? Their decision affects nobody else.

Ellenborough · 29/03/2019 13:17

I don't judge them, no. I just don't understand them. But that's fine - they don't need me to understand them.

If anything I judge women who do want children, but choose to leave it until their 40's to try, for no other reason than that they were 'too busy' to do it earlier.

CabbageHippy · 29/03/2019 13:18

@stevie69 - totally with you on all your points

As for those that say people who choose not to have children are selfish, have you considered that it may be less selfish than bringing children into a world that is becoming more polluted, violent, unstable & over populated than ever before?

Wishimaywishimight · 29/03/2019 13:18

Yeah, I really really don't understand the 'selfish' comments. Who am I depriving and of what??

HaroldsSocalledBluetits · 29/03/2019 13:19

@Catandhiskit actually I think you're right. People are keen to say "well she doesn't have kids but she's got the most amazing life" as though a woman has to justify her choice.

@Hearhere I actually think the fetishisation of motherhood, that a woman can't be complete until she's a mother, is one of the most nefarious cons going.

I see it as a similar process to the tories getting the working class to vote for them (stay with me here!)

By which I mean that for a woman all aspects of her life changes when she has a child. Her body changes, irrevocably actually, although perhaps mildly but often in quite harmful ways. Her earning power is affected, her stamina, her independence and autonomy in ways that a man is not.

So, in order to get us to take all of this on, what do we do? Why, tell women that if they don't do this they'll be incomplete, that motherhood is the only possible path to self realisation, even the only path to love and fulfillment. And so we end up where we are now with women feeling like men are doing them a favour when they get them up the stick and men still getting to call the shots, because how could a woman ever complain about the status quo when everyone knows that if she didn't have kids she'd be somehow lacking?

Women without kids are the innocent bystander casualties in all of this, cast as the spectral horror of how empty a woman's life must be if she doesn't experience all of the aforementioned 'joy'.

HelloSunshine11 · 29/03/2019 13:20

Not in the slightest. My only judgement would be that it's a very wise decision indeed!

IntoValhalla · 29/03/2019 13:20

EmpressLesbianInChair
I think my view on it was forged very early on in life. I grew up around lots of extended family, and there was always lots of babies around - there’s was always at least one aunt or cousin pregnant at any one time! I remember being about 5 years old and meeting my cousin’s newborn for the first time and being completely in awe of him. I bugged my parents for years to have another baby - that dream was smashed when I was informed my dad had got a vasectomy after I was born Blush I’ve just always been very drawn to babies. I love everything about them - the smell, the cute little noises they make, the teeny tiny toes Grin All of it just turns me into a ball of oestrogen soaked mush Grin

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