Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

At OP...yes, I think you have met some very judgmental people, they are all around.

I have one son, I had quite a few comments off nosy interfering bastards well meaning people, advising me to have another child because only children grow up lonely, depressed, etc etc, and it wasn't fair not to give him a sibling.

Ignore them.

and no i dont want gradnchildren people looking after me which they shouldnt have to do

*have a very full life

I absolutely do not pity them. If I'm honest I'm usually a bit envious. It isn't that I regret having kids, but I have a feeling I could have been happy to remain childless. So I respect a woman who's felt comfortable enough to say "this is my choice and I'm happy with it".

I'm looking forward to a time when my kids are adults and I can go off and do my own thing. No plans here to be one of those grandparents who retires and turns into the childcare provider.

What if the question were 'if you were given another life to live would you choose to have children in this one?

Very good way of phrasing it, IMO. I have one child. I am very very glad I only had one. To answer the question above - No.

I love the person she is and I am glad of her existence but unless I could guarantee I would get her in my 'new life' then the answer would be no.

@clairemcnam

As I said before, it's my private thought that I don't share IRL. I don't therefore see how it could be patronising.

People will probably flame me for this, but the reason I feel that way is because there is nothing else I have experienced like having my child, it has helped me to discover new things about myself, and even if people don't like the sentiment, I personally never did know this kind of love before.

Also, a reason I personally chose to have a child is because I think it is an essential (as in basic/elemental, not literally necessary) part of the human experience and I thought it would be a shame to miss out.

In a similar way, I feel a little sorry for people who have not been able to (or haven't wanted to) travel to different places, try different jobs, meet different kinds of people.

All of these are things I think inside my mind. If someone else would rather not go through the immense hassle, expense, and stress of having a child, I don't begrudge them this choice. However, I will still feel a bit bad that they won't experience the aspects of it which have meant so much to me.

I'm also aware that there are things like this that I probably miss out on and which would make people feel bad for me. I hate sports so I am probably missing out on some sort of exhilarating thrill of winning, challenging myself, and being part of a team. I don't especially like dogs so I am missing out on the unconditional love and furry affection they can offer. I can't make myself believe in God, try as I might. If someone who does have/experience these things feels sorry for me, I don't consider that it has to be patronising. I probably am missing out.

Kids are great but they massively curtail your life on one hand. I don’t ever regret having my child but I do sometimes miss my old life, not being able to jet off somewhere exotic at the drop of a hat etc.
Enjoy your life and make some better friends.

thinking about it, if I do judge someone is people who have kids but can't afford them and knew fully well they couldn't.

I know people who have chosen not to have children, a couple down the road in particular. They are blissfully happy together in a way that people with children don't often seem to be.

The wife told me her reasons were that she thought she would not make a good enough mother, having had a horrible mother herself, and she didn't want to put a child through that. She was very fond of her nephews and nieces.

However, a big but is that she told me this when she was in her early 40's and her mind was made up, no going back etc, no regrets. As time went on, and my 3 children grew up around her I think she began to realise she could have been a "good enough" parent, and that it wouldn't necessarily have destroyed her happiness with her partner and the things they liked doing together (ie go to the Caribbean, cook delicious meals, have an orderly house)

In a way it was lack of confidence in her own abilities and I think she was very maternal deep down and very attached to living things (animals) but had sort of convinced herself children no need/too much uncertainty.

And now she does feel she has "missed" out on something precious, as she hits her 60's.

But that is only a little tiny bit of regret, mostly she is happy with her choice.

Most people without children haven't made a conscious decision, but have had to deal with infertility and accept it in a more positive way. I also have friends like that, and they also have good lives.

I don't have children and never will have. I too have had some awful comments but I'm rude back and rather argumentative. I refuse to back down in the face of this kind of judgement.

When people do this it's projection, narrow mindedness and arrogance (how can anyone think differently to me?!).

I find it bizarre when my sister badgers me all the time to consider having kids when she appears to resent motherhood massively.

Perhaps it's a case of "misery loves company" or she doesn't want you to escape the chains.....

I have friends that don’t want kids, I don’t judge them, I kind of envy them. Having kids isn’t easy and although I love my kids, if I knew how hard it was going to be I would have opted not to have any. I respect anyone’s choice not to have them, I also respect those who chose to have lots.

Your choice - but why would you join a group called 'Mumsnet'?! Just seems a bit ironic.

I never ask people about their life choices.
No time for prying opinionated busybodies. ( Apart from MN of course )

I do, however, judge Mother’s that do have kids and then spend all their time trying to get rid of them! Or constantly feel they need a ‘break from them’

Why do you only judge mothers for this? What about fathers?

I think there was a Guardian article about someone who had chosen not to have children because both she and her husband had agreed on this. Then when her husband died in his 60's (early death, unexpected) she couldn't help thinking, what a wonderful child he might have left behind him to be part of her life in his absence. I think she had counted on their happiness lasting till their 80's.

One of the reasons we have children is I think to take us out of our own troubles, we live vicariously through them in many ways, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It spreads the load. I absolutely love the fact that my children do things I never thought to do or think things I never thought to think, look different from me. It is a constant delight to never know what the day will bring. yes your friends and work can give you this, animals, nature, but having children, well it is all so interesting..for many years to come. Not drudgery at all. Limiting yes, but also expansive in other ways.

I've never discussed it with them, but I have a few close couple friends who don't have kids. I am not sure why, and tbh I've never given it much thought. They always seem to be having a lovely time, going on nice holidays and when they visit they look young and happy and always bring lovely wine. Quite envious of them tbh!

No. I don't judge other peoples choices i think its weird to assume others want the same life as me. You're right thought that it is common. I find alot of people seem to have some kind of religious like conversion when they have kids and its all they can imagine. Its rude and shit though.

And to be honest I think there is far more judging of parents (mothers) who choose to have one child, than those who don't have any.

I can report that both kinds of judgementalism are alive and well. I had my one child at 40, so spent decades being subjected to the intrusive/patronising/disbelieving comments people up the thread have detailed. The second I had my son, I started getting the guff about how I couldn't let him be an only child, how selfish it would be, and how he would skip straight from being a spoilt little emperor to dealing solo with the geriatric care and the funerals of his parents.

Some people comment in faux-concern that they're sure I would really have wanted more children, but that of course my Advanced Age when I had DS made that impossible, and oh, what a shame, and are unimpressed when I say that I could have had more, but chose to have one child.

As far as I understand this 'logic' and I've had it often enough for it to be comparatively widespread, rather than restricted to one or two individuals I went from taking the easy option by being child-free to taking another easy option, by only having one child. This seems to be considered cheating.

If there's anything a certain type of person hates, it's another person choosing the easy option. Which they could have chosen themselves, but didn't.

I think I do judge people (not women) who don't want to have kids...I judge them to be more sensible than me!

I totally fell for the drip drip drip of societal group think that tells you from the moment you're born that you're life won't be complete without them.

My life was just fine. Now its hard. Really hard.

I really really resent that I didn't make a proper reasoned decision to have children...I mean I might have come to the same conclusion...and who knows, maybe it was even the right one for me (though it seems unlikely)....but I hate that I slipped into it without properly thinking.

Ribbons I judge them if they loudly bang on about it in front of me, who clearly has two young children... I'd find that very rude.

Er, welcome to the point of the thread. Childfree (and childless) women spend a lot of time defending their choice. It is exactly as rude as it is for you who has children.

Having not wanted children until recently, I've been on the receiving end of comments like:

"You'll never be truly happy"
"People who don't have kids are egotistical and always regret it"
"What's the point of your life then"

All from my close family! I also got lectured about my environmental impact of using Teflon and going on exotic holidays, from my auntie who has 2 kids, drives and eats only meat.

SO no, I would never judge anyone for not wanting kids. Our planet is going down the shitter with our plastic use, traffic jams, pollution fast fashion and obsessive cleanlines. Our kids and grandkids will probably be scrabbling in bins and fighting over grain like in "Interstellar".

I actually feel exactly the same about men who don't want children. Except I think men who don't want children are much much selfish than women who don't want children, because they are usually persuading a woman that she shouldn't have children if she wishes to continue their relationship, and blackmailing her for entirely selfish reasons, and there is a far greater inbalance in this respect that the other way round. Women usually want MORE children and men usually want LESS. Not always, but usually.

I judge people who have kids and then are neglectful or mistreat them. I don't judge people who don't have them whatsoever

Your choice - but why would you join a group called 'Mumsnet'?! Just seems a bit ironic

BINGO!