Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

agree that being lonely in old age as the main reason is ridiculous!
In the modern world people move around for jobs/partners all over the world, or at least kids aer likely to move to a coity while you may want to be in a village.

Most people in assisted living and care homes do have kids (with busy lives and own families possibly). Yes it's a morale boost to be in touch with kids on the phone or occasional visits but hardly enough not to feel lonely on daily basis - you need friends and ideally a good partner for that.

I would rather hear that a woman has consciously decided not to have any children than hear a woman has not been able to cope with the ones she does have and that it has ruined her life. To witness poor parenting and so on.

Yes I think it is rather nosey and presumptuous of strangers potentially telling women who choose to remain childfree 'it would be the making of you'. How on earth do they know that!

Each to their own and all that.

But why would she feel bad, assuming as you say that she made her decision freely?

Exactly. What a patronising and erroneous attitude. Lol

What I have found is, women who didnt want children, and lived a very nice , indulgent life syle with magnolia homes and lots of expensive holidays - suddenly realise they won't have grand children
I don't think so.
They can relax enjoy their pension, savings.
Your post is very judgemental.
Woman choose to not have children for lots of reasons, genetic illness, MH family history.
My good friend choose not to, as she saw shit abusive men all her life as a child, between her DM and older sisters bad relationships, she decided never.

People spout on about how you'll never regret a child but yes, I think some people do. It's far better to NOT bring a child into that situation. Plus there are enough people in the world. There are plenty of positives to being child free and definitely think you can be fulfilled without them. Don't get me wrong, I adore my son and have never questioned having him, even for a second, but it's definitely a 'no going back' thing. Good on you for knowing what you want!

Great post. In anonymous surveys, about 10% of parents say they regret having kids. Obviously, that means that the vast majority don't, but it also shows that all the "no one ever regrets having kids" propaganda is crap.

Surveys/studies also suggest that there is no difference in happiness between parents and people who have chosen not to be parents (as opposed to people who wanted to but couldn't).

Please don't be guilted or shamed into having kids, OP. Have them if you want them. Don't have them if you don't.

If someone said to me oh but you'd be such a brilliant mum I would just say and?

Ah, but's not what they mean, is it? What they actually say is "I'm fundamentally questioning your life choices" in a way that "oh, but I think you'd really enjoy gardening" just doesn't mean.

I don't, by the way, agree that I'd be a brilliant mum at all. Having employees drives me pretty bonkers half of the time - and they're all adults with degrees, fully capable of feeding and clothing themselves and supposedly emotionally mature. I'd be a pretty shit mum, actually.

I've never wanted children. What I find annoying is the insidious assumption in society that all women want children. So many things are geared towards women with children. All the 'you don't know what love is until you've had children' type comments irritate me too.

Ironically for a site called 'Mumsnet' this is one of the least judgmental places I have found as a non-parent.

Before I had my own children I would have secretly felt a bit sorry for them as I was always sure I wanted children and would have not felt complete. Now I have 2 DC who I love to bits I recognise just how much you have to sacrifice in your life for children.

I would encourage anyone to be absolutely sure they want children before making the lifelong commitment!

No I admire them. So much of wanting to be a parent is society foisting the idea on us.

There's a feeling that you're "not normal" if you don't want them. But you can be just as normal as anyone else! Just without kids!

Women have value above being Mothers. I'm happy to have mine but I don't judge those who choose not to.

I think life can be hard for an older person with no children.

Maybe, maybe not. But much as I love my niece & nephew, I always knew I'd hate being a parent & at 45 I haven't changed my mind on that. I'm blissfully single & childfree. So the idea of sacrificing my happiness when younger to provide a possible safety net when I'm older? Nope.

@rosa - were you born rude or take lessons in cuntery ?

People spout on about how you'll never regret a child but yes, I think some people do

Someone said that to me after she spent an hour moaning about how tired she is nad how she need some me time, but just can't and it's annoying. I laughed and pointed out the irony. She hasn't really spoken to me since. I think this was a case of misery loves company and so tries to create it 😂

@emerald - amazingly - this is a shocker - when people post on this board they tend to offer their own anecdotes - I offer mine - I'm so >oozing sarcasm in case it doesn’t transmit< that you have never experienced some of the old loves I deal with daily. When you do, you can comment on my thoughts. Ok?

suddenly realise they won't have grand children

I doubt they 'suddenly' realise it. It's an obvious implication of not having children from the outset.

@Ellabella989 - no, I don't judge women who decide not to have children - my own sister made that decision when she was 25, and I completely respect it.

If anything, having had three children myself makes me respect the decision even more - I love my boys, and wouldn't change my decision to be a mother, but ohhh boy it was hard work sometimes - sleepless nights, tantrums, bedwetting, school problems, homework, sibling fights, teenage tantrums, money worries. I can't imagine dealing with all of those if you didn't really WANT children!

There have also been times where I will confess to a sneaking envy of my sister - she and her dh were able to have some lovely holidays because they didn't have the expense of children, so they could afford them, plus they weren't tied down to school holidays, and didn't need to find holidays/accomodation/activities that suited children as well as adults.

I'm sure my decision to have children was right - for me. And I am equally sure your decision is right for you - and people in your life should respect it.

Some people have children, some people don't want them, I don't judge. I have two sons who are now grown up and it wasn't easy parenting them. I sometimes used to look at people without children and think they had made a good decision, much as I loved mine. I would certainly never think it would be a decision anyone would regret as I think once we have made big choices we tend to stick with them. There are plenty of older people whose children are not interested in them at all, they are not all ministering angels!

The thing about only 10% of people saying they regret having children, I think the framing of the question is important here, if you say that you regret having children it feels as if you are saying that you regret the existence of people who you love and are responsible for, or it can feel like saying you don't like your children or even you wish they were dead, it can feel like a shocking thing to admit to.

What if the question were 'if you were given another life to live would you choose to have children in this one?'

Gosh, tell them to get lost.
i have a 15 year old dd who is saying this, now. of course she may change her mind in the future, but if she doesn't I'll support her decision 100%.
I will say that I was the same and dc1 was a huge shock, and not planned. I absolutely fell in love with motherhood right from the start, even though I was 100% never having any.
This isn't a reason to have kids, but just to let you know sometimes an accident can be the best thing that happens to you, against all the odds

What I have found is, women who didnt want children, and lived a very nice , indulgent life syle with magnolia homes and lots of expensive holidays - suddenly realise they won't have grand children

And that is a bad thing because of what?

They probably see all the martyrdom of grandparents looking after grandchildren when they'd rather be on holiday/enjoying their retirement while they are still healthy and think they made the right decision all the more!

And to be honest I think there is far more judging of parents (mothers) who choose to have one child, than those who don't have any.

I think life can be harder for an old person without children with no partner when they get to the really ill housebound stage. I would agree with that. Because at this stage for most people, there friends are also very elderly and can often not even visit them. But for most people this is a very small part of their life. Having children so you have someone to visit and help you at this stage of your life would seem a very poor reason, and of course may not actually work out.

A childless friend who recently died and who was retired was the least lonely person I know. She had loads and loads of friends, family neighbours who she all visited and kept up with. I would actually be overwhelmed by the amount of social contact she had with people. But the fact she did not have children meant nothing.

no i think i went through a phase of wanting them in my teens but then thought about it and couldnt stand the thought

i used to get asked and i just said it straight thyre annoynig time consuming and id rather do what i like when i like-soon shut them up

nowadays i get the opposite how lucky i am and sane!

What I have found is, women who didnt want children, and lived a very nice , indulgent life syle with magnolia homes and lots of expensive holidays - suddenly realise they won't have grand children

I call bullshit on this. They did not suddenly realise they will not have grandchildren unless they are total idiots. This reads to me like the post of someone who is jealous of a childless friends lifestyle.

No way do I judge. But then I do work in a field where people travel and change jobs a lot and are quite often single and child free well into their 40s. So I know lots of women who don’t want kids.

That if you don't have kids you are instead required to win multiple Nobel Prizes because otherwise wtf are you doing with your life, you slacker.
absolutely spot on, Harolds! I ALWAYS hear how women with no kids has a VERY full busy life, people have the need to add that bit as if they are defending her choice.

It really isn't about compensating out of some sort of guilt about not having kids. Not everyone is turbo-charged or talented enough to have a great career. Some people (incl men) don't want children just because it means too much stress/anxiety/energy needed and they know they won't cope well - whether due to health issues or types of personality or a way of life they prefer.

You know, you can just be and enjoy whatever you enjoy. If it's a pet - so be it, if it's being free to be able to travel around (as some people get miserable with being in a routine) and not having to earn much to support a family - equally valid as everyone is different. If you aer just essentially low key person who is laid-back - that's not neghative. After the war people were encouraged to have as many kids as possible to boost population - that's hardly the case or the duty now, ha.