Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

[Ellabella989]

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

Yeah people look at you like you are the biggest weirdo for not having kids it isnt for everyone and you should t need to justify it. My situation has meant not having kids is a decision we had to make due to partners genetic conditions and my own health, im not sure if i ever wanted my own kids but people who dont know my circumstances can be pretty rude questioning me why i dont have any.

I am amazed that anyone judges woman posting on fb about their holidays if they do not have children. That is just an ordinary thing to do. Its innocuous news. If you think they are trying to show off their lifestyle, that really says more about you than them.

Well the happily childless by choice will remain happy as long they remain childless. And any notion otherwise would cause major cognitive dissonance.
Someone must have sajd it, its the red vs blue pill in the matrix!

I'm quietly a bit judgemental of those who have loads of children, to be honest. It seems irresponsible to me given how stretched resources already are.
You wouldn’t be alone. People are vile about it. I expect most of us looking ok at others lives and aren’t enthusiastic about the choices they made. I have a large family and definitely feel boarding school is not an admirable choice. The world needs all sorts of people.

But I still feel they’re missing out, I understand that’s not popular but I can’t help how I feel! It’s a unwinnable debate though isn’t it as only one side understands both states so I’d never convince anyone!

No. You know how you felt before and after you had children. You. Not every woman.

You’re like those posters who claim to understand what it’s like to be infertile because at one point in their lives they didn’t have children.

No judging here - if anything I admire you for having the strength of mind not to cave in to societal mores, to know yourself well enough to know what you want and I absolutely support your decision based on (from my experience) the constant drudge and restrains of motherhood, as well as the environmental factor. Good for you.

Imagine I said I felt a bit sorry for you. That you probably bowed to social and biological pressure to have a child and now you're missing out on a childfree, full of joy life. That you might regret later on. I don't have that opinion, I'm just trying to illustrate the point.

It’s an excellent point & one I made upthread to another poster. I don’t think anyone’s responded to it yet.

I don’t judge women who don’t want children. Each to their own. No skin off my nose what you do with your life.

But I do find it perplexing when they change their minds at 40 and go onto the conception boards wondering why they are finding it difficult to conceive, or expecting to be given free ivf on the NHS when they’re peri menopausal.

only one side understands both states

Oh really? So someone who had their first kid at, say, 25 knows what it's like to have spent your 30s and 40s without kids then? They know through their handful of years of adulthood before they had kids what it's like to be able to dedicate the prime of one's life to whatever one wants, with the benefit of a much better financial position in most cases than young parents.

only one side understands both states

But that side are the ones expressing their puzzlement at our not wanting kids, & providing patronising & unwished-for sympathy because they can’t get their heads round the idea that some of us would absolutely hate to be parents and are very happy with our own choices.

I'd never say to someone who happily chose to be childless that they might regret it, but many parents cant help feel inwardly or try to gush about parenthood, what its like putting someone totally innocent and often annoying before yourself unconditionally, love and all that crap.

Parents can only compare to the state they themselves knew b4 kids, the one where u booked a flight and walk out of the door if u so wished.

Happily childless by choice could just enjoy their lives and not let anyone ruffle their feathers or trys to make them feel otherwise. Who questions anyone's life choices anyway??

Imagine I said I felt a bit sorry for you. That you probably bowed to social and biological pressure to have a child and now you're missing out on a childfree, full of joy life. That you might regret later on. I don't have that opinion, I'm just trying to illustrate the point.

It’s not really though because I lived 38 years child free and know what it’s like. I know what the other side is like too and prefer it. I’ve experienced both

@badlad accepted if someone has children at 25 they probably don’t know both sides of the coin. I do though as was childless for 38 years and with my partner for 18 years before children

From the outside, having kids just doesn't make sense. Financially you'll be worse off, at the cost of sleep, more stress, no time for yourself, only as happy as unhappiest child, etc etc. The daily drugery of cooking, cleaning, homework, at the sacrifice of your own life? Just doesn't appeal.

And there's no guarantee your DC be happy or healthy. Or want to stay in touch when they grow up. Or give you the happy family moments you'd like. By thousands of posts on MN, you're likely to be unappreciated at best but at worst your DH will have an affair/leave/become abusive and you'll then be a single parent.

My friends lives, again from the outside, look worse now they have kids. They've aged really quickly. Lost a lot of themselves. Of course they love their kids, but that's because they've biologically evolved to. No one else will love their DC like they do. Everyone else's kids are annoying - but theirs are angels.

Several friends have said 'I wouldn't be without my Little Johnny, of course, but if I could have my time again....'

@Shiverrrrmetimbers

But you'll never experience your 40s, 50s, 60s etc without the burden of kids.

You might regret it.

(Again, illustrating a point).

You might be happy (at the moment) but that doesn't mean everyone would be happy with that choice, does it?

It's incredibly narrow minded to think what was right for you is right for everyone.

Shiverrrrmetimbers I don't agree that you can understand both sides simply because at some point you changed your mind. You therefore decided that having children was something you wanted. It doesn't matter at what age you decided that because you are clearly on the side that thinks having children is wonderful and we are somehow missing out. I am still not clear on what you and many others think childfree people are missing out on? When I see toddlers or babies having a happy time with their parents do you think I secretly think awww isn't that nice because I don't. I find even that part of it something that is just unwelcome in my life.

I don't think that comments like "You don't know what you're missing are judgemental". Everyone who enjoys anything, thinks that people who don't know that thing are missing out!

I think people that have never skiied or can't ride a bike are missing out. Dog lovers probably think I am missing out because I can't stand dogs. That's fine - I know I'm not missing out on anything, because I only get slobber, sneezing, annoyance and ripped tights from a dog. I don't get any of the positives or "furry love" or whatever dog lovers feel. Just like people who don't want kids only really see the drudgery and loss of freedom part - the good for them is either nonexistent or doesn't outweigh the bad. For me there is 0 good and 100 bad about having a dog so I know I am not missing out! I wouldn't be offended at comments like that. It doesn't make a judgement on me as a person, it's just the other person's opinion on what having dogs is like to them.

However if someone were to say "you're a cold hearted b because you don't like dogs", that is a judgemental comment because it makes a judgement on me as a person, just like people who call childfree people selfish.

*I don't think that comments like "You don't know what you're missing" are judgemental

-wrong quotation!

HolyForkingShirt

Those comments about missing out are very very rarely said in isolation. They are usually followed up by feeling sad for us like our life is worth less than theirs or the 'you will change your mind' brigade.

Btw I have a dog and he is lovely. Totally understand why others choose to go their whole life without one.

You know what? With a miserable full-of-cold 11 month who has had me up half the night and a jealous 4 year old intent on attacking her sister at any given opportunity, not having children seems like an eminently sensible decision at this moment.

Everyone who enjoys anything, thinks that people who don't know that thing are missing out!

Really?! You can't understand that people have different interests?

I love travelling but I totally understand why someone wouldn't. I don't think anyone is missing out by not travelling if they don't want to travel.

In all seriousness I feel a teeny bit jealous when people say they don't want kids. I love my two to pieces and yearned for them for years before they came along but, god, they're hard work. We're skint. I miss sleeping and lazy mornings with papers and coffee and brunch, holidays abroad, skiing, bingeing on box sets, a tidy(ish) house, seeing a football match all the way through, meeting mates for dinner or drinks. There's pros and cons to each situation. That said, I'd have been devastated if I couldn't have children. But that's me. Everyone is different, horses for courses and all that.

Just like people who don't want kids only really see the drudgery and loss of freedom part - the good for them is either nonexistent or doesn't outweigh the bad.

I get that having kids is hugely important to a lot of people and I see the bond between friends / family & their children. I love my niece & nephew & am happy to spend time with friends' kids. But even the best bits of parenthood have no attraction for me personally. It's that simple.

Disclaimer - I'm heavily allergic to dogs so that's probably a lot of the reason why I avoid them.

My partner's parents had a year without a dog then they got a new one. They always moan about having hair and mud everywhere, they have to get up at 5 to walk her, fork out money for food and vets, and pick up turds every day. Plus get barked at and jumped on. In my eyes it's like "wtf?! Why would you bring all this on yourself? There are no positives!" but they obviously love her very much and she brings happiness to them, even though she's the dog equivalent of a hyperactive child. It just wouldn't be the same for me (Well....maybe if it was a hypoallergenic toy poodle...)

I used to feel exactly the same way about kids - why the hell would anyone do it, there are no positives - until one day I met my dad's adopted kid and felt so much love for him. All of a sudden I just "got" how kids could bring happiness and have wanted one since. But I haven't yet had that epiphany about pets and don't think I will tbh.

It’s not really though because I lived 38 years child free and know what it’s like. I know what the other side is like too and prefer it. I’ve experienced both

I had just under 40 years entirely happily childfree, and my belief is that my life was just as good without a child, just different.

I am still not clear on what you and many others think childfree people are missing out on

@biteyshark for me it’s the pure love you experience for this tiny amazing human that is a part of you. It’s hard to describe. I’ve never felt a joy like it. As an example when I first went back to work, as I neared the end of each day when I’d go to pick her up I thought I felt nervous but then I realised it was excitement bubbling up in me as I couldn’t wait to see her again. That doesn’t go away.

And I’m not a child person. Really I’m not. I don’t much care for friends or child relatives past mild affection. And that’s not changed! It made me worry before I had a child but it’s just different.

And I don’t live a life of drudgery often painted of mothers. I go out a lot in the evening to see friends for dinner and drinks both alone and with my husband, I have hobbies, I go to the cinema and the theatre. I have a career, I have alone time. I sleep uninterrupted 99% of the time! As a personality I am the same as before.

In an equal partnership these things are eminently achievable. I guess the only thing I truly miss is extravagant city hopping road trips (hence the jealousy I guess!) and not having to parent when horrifically hungover!