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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you judge women who don’t want kids?

827 replies

Ellabella989 · 29/03/2019 10:33

I’m in my early 30s and have decided I never want kids. Literally every single female who I’ve confided in about this, from family members to friends to work colleagues, have been incredibly judgemental and told me i’ll be missing out and will eventually regret it and could potentially spend my later years very lonely if my partner dies before me.
AIBU to find these opinions very irritating? I don’t list all the reasons to them why I think their way of life is less appealing to mine so I don’t see why I have to sit back and basically be told I’m a freak for not wanting kids. Maybe I just know some very judgemental people :-(

OP posts:
Loveglee · 02/04/2019 17:18

Shiverrr...Why do mothers believe it is only children that can make you feel that way? I feel that way about my partner coming home in the evening. I always feel excited to see him. I’m also an artist, and feel joy in my work that I feel is indescribable at times. People experience the wonder of the world in different ways.

Corneliawildthing · 02/04/2019 17:23

MY DD has decided she doesn't want kids. I have no interest in being a grandmother despite being told how marvellous it is by most of my friends.

She is worried that she will lose most of her friends as they are all starting to have babies and that is all they talk about and all their social occasions now revolve around baby-friendly stuff.

Has anyone else experienced this?

WeSaidNo · 02/04/2019 17:24

I've always assumed that the drive to have children is ultimately just an innate biological function to continue the human species, like a flower pollinating.

WeSaidNo · 02/04/2019 17:26

I'm undoubtedly missing out on some things by not having them, but on the other hand most of my friends who have kids have become so incredibly mundane.

EscapeAnywhere · 02/04/2019 17:31

@Corneliawildthing it's true in many cases. A lot of my friends who had babies stopped getting in touch and preferred to make plans with other mums.

No matter what effort I made (bringing home baked cakes, playing with their babies & listening with patience to their new experiences, being very flexible to pop to theirs) they soon fizzled from close friendships to aquaintances.

Sad really.

BiteyShark · 02/04/2019 17:35

for me it’s the pure love you experience for this tiny amazing human that is a part of you. It’s hard to describe. I’ve never felt a joy like it.

Clearly not all mothers or fathers feel like that otherwise we would not have abuse or neglect so it can't be a universal feeling for everyone who has children.

EscapeAnywhere · 02/04/2019 17:35

for me it’s the pure love you experience for this tiny amazing human that is a part of you. It’s hard to describe. I’ve never felt a joy like it.

That's sad you weren't able to feel that joy before you had kids at 38.

I recognise that feeling but with other things in my life, similarly to @Loveglee so we're all different and get those sorts of feelings from different things.

WeSaidNo · 02/04/2019 18:05

for me it’s the pure love you experience for this tiny amazing human that is a part of you. It’s hard to describe. I’ve never felt a joy like it.

Whilst this is undoubtedly an amazing feeling, it seems clear to me that this unconditional love is a biological imperative like female spider protecting her young. It's different from affection which has actually grown.

Trills · 02/04/2019 18:06

I thought I felt nervous but then I realised it was excitement bubbling up in me as I couldn’t wait to see her again. That doesn’t go away.

That sounds exhausting and unappealing.

Someone upthread made a good comment that when they said they didn't want kids, it's not just the bad parts, it's also the "good parts" that don't appeal.

Some people choose not to have children because they think the bad parts will (for them) outweigh the good parts.
Others think that even the supposedly good parts don't sound like something they fancy.

WeSaidNo · 02/04/2019 18:07

And I do appreciate that the connection starts long before the baby is actually born. However, babies are just little red blobs without any individual personality (at least initially) and barely any sentient thought.

Lokidokiartichoki · 02/04/2019 18:07

I am still not clear on what you and many others think childfree people are missing out on

You’ll never be able to understand it. If you don’t experience the biological urge to have children then it’s pointless trying to both describe it, and expect the happily childfree to comprehend. It’s like trying to explain sight to a blind person or sounds to a deaf person.

Lokidokiartichoki · 02/04/2019 18:10

And before anyone jumps on at me I’m not comparing being childfree to being blind/deaf - just that it’s impossible describe something that can’t be experienced by another

EscapeAnywhere · 02/04/2019 18:13

@Lokidokiartichoki so you're saying someone without kids is missing out on a certain 'feeling'?

Trills · 02/04/2019 18:15

Maybe having that urge to have children is like being addicted to nicotine. Cigarettes aren't actually nice, they just make the craving go away.

Are children definitely enjoyable, or was the urge so strong that anything that makes the craving stop seems like it is good?

Maybe the childfree are truly "free", in not having that urge and so not needing to take drastic steps to make the craving go away.

Lottapianos · 02/04/2019 18:16

'Shiverrr...Why do mothers believe it is only children that can make you feel that way? I feel that way about my partner coming home '

Same here. You can feel joy and intense excitement from all sorts of things

'She is worried that she will lose most of her friends as they are all starting to have babies'

I hate to say it but she's probably right

Bobfossil2 · 02/04/2019 18:26

The experience of having this tiny person that I grew myself is unbelievable and for me indescribable. That doesn’t mean that I think women without children are missing out on anything at all. I had a perfectly fun filled, love filled and interesting (mostly) life before I had a baby. Had I not had her, my life would not be lacking anything. That said, if I had my time again I’d choose that fat little baby over and over.

Lokidokiartichoki · 02/04/2019 18:26

@EscapeAnywhere you’ve misunderstood. It’s not the not having kids, it’s the not wanting kids.

I know when I’ve had my children there was a ‘need’ for want of a better word, like an itch. I also know someone so consumed by being infertile she took her own life.
Whether it’s a feeling or sense some people experience or not, I don’t know

Shiverrrrmetimbers · 02/04/2019 18:28

Because I guess we’ve felt those feelings too about other people but these feelings about your own children are different. It’s hard to say without sounding like an arsehole but you don’t / can’t know how it feels different.

Shiverrrrmetimbers · 02/04/2019 18:30

Maybe having that urge to have children is like being addicted to nicotine. Cigarettes aren't actually nice, they just make the craving go away.
Are children definitely enjoyable, or was the urge so strong that anything that makes the craving stop seems like it is good? Maybe the childfree are truly "free", in not having that urge and so not needing to take drastic steps to make the craving go away.

I never experienced any sort of craving to have a child yet am ever grateful I did. Do I win most of all then?!

HarrysOwl · 02/04/2019 18:31

I also know someone so consumed by being infertile she took her own life

That's truly awful.

Posters have been really careful to phrase 'childfree by choice' so hopefully those affected by infertility are not triggered or upset at all by the opinions offered.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 02/04/2019 18:31

And before anyone jumps on at me I’m not comparing being childfree to being blind/deaf - just that it’s impossible describe something that can’t be experienced by another

Actually I can accept that. You & (hopefully most) other parents feel that imperative & get that special feeling from having kids. But I feel joy from having my life as it is & know I’d find parenthood unbearable.

We don’t need to understand each other’s choices Grin just to respect them.

BiteyShark · 02/04/2019 18:34

Shiverrr I think the key difference for me is those feelings of being so overwhelmed and all consuming stuff for you which you describe as pure joy and love sounds bloody awful to me. What you choose as being the good side to parenthood simply doesn't sound appealing. After all, being so overwhelmed with love is only one feeling. With that comes huge responsibility with a tiny person who is totally reliant on you. I have no biological urge to experience that and therefore I can use my head to make the choice not to have children.

Shiverrrrmetimbers · 02/04/2019 18:40

@trills

I thought I felt nervous but then I realised it was excitement bubbling up in me as I couldn’t wait to see her again. That doesn’t go away

That sounds exhausting and unappealing

Depends if you want joy from life I suppose or to feel a non descript level kind of nothing. What an odd comment!

@escapeanywhere I thought I’d felt joy like that before but I hadn’t till I had! It’s why these conversations go round in circles. If you haven’t had children you don’t know how it feels. It doesn’t feel like love for a partner. And, as an above person said, this is because it’s entirely unconditional and a human drive.

Lokidokiartichoki · 02/04/2019 18:42

We don’t need to understand each other’s choices grin just to respect them

That’s it precisely. I can only think of one instance where someone else’s choice to have or not have children would have any impact on my own life, and that would be my husbands. Other than that then what right do I have to an opinion on how someone else lives their life? Just do what makes you happy

IcedPurple · 02/04/2019 19:08

Discussions like these always have people - @shiver is the best example here - who say "Oh I never wanted kids but changed my mind and it's the best thing I've ever done. Therefore I'm here to tell you that you won't regret it if you do the same"

Thing is.... you DID change your mind. Therefore at some level, at some time, you DID want children. I didn't, and I don't. So no, we are not the same and no, you can't really tell me I'll regret it because I'm pretty certain I won't, but thanks all the same.

Also, others have mentioned how for them, even the 'good' parts of motherhood don't appeal. I'm the same. Even the moments of 'utter joy' people describe leave me cold. and yes, I know, you can't fully understand something if you haven't experienced it, but that's true of everything, and nobody says we should go around doing things we're pretty sure we don't want just on the off chance we might like them. That would be nuts.